Category: Rants

What do people do at four in the morning?

Christanna Rowader6 Comments

I’m up. Not just up, but wide awake. You would think that after a long, exhausting night at work I would have fallen asleep immediately. Instead, I’m tossing and turning, blowing my drippy nose, coughing, going to the bathroom, drinking some water, pushing my annoying cat out of the way of my face, then finally deciding to take a sleeping pill at around 4am.

After that, I went to the kitchen and got a Klondike bar, cookies and cream, and scarfed it down. Though I couldn’t taste it because I’m sick, so that didn’t really satisfy my craving.

Then, while I wait for the sleeping pill to kick in, I started surfing the web, but…there was nothing really interesting to surf through. So, here I am again, falling back on my blog to write another randomly, self-spilling, thoughtless rant that makes this more like a public diary for the whole world to see.

Not that there are that many people reading this particular blog. I know of only a few…

But seriously, I used to be a great sleeper, but now I find that my brain won’t stop spinning in crazy circles about solving THIS, or fixing THAT. And it won’t let me rest one bit.

So I’m gonna spill all the annoying thoughts on here so that maybe writing about it would help me vent out my brain so I can sleep, for the love of GRAPES! Yes, that is a very irritated and heated sentence. I would also like to point out that I’m writing this without my contacts so I’m relying solely on my fingers to not mess up while typing. Fingers lead the way cause I’m blind as a bat!

Hold on to yourself because I am going to write the next paragraph as one big run-on, thought flowing sentence so you can get an idea of how my brain would not SHUT UP! So here we go…

my cat is so cute all snuggly i’m so glad i brought him with me to california but i’d rather him not be in my face all the time when i’m trying to sleep i hate it when he climbs on the pillows while i’m sleeping it makes me think he’s gonna pee on them right on my face man i feel miserable man i hate being sick if my nose drips one more time i’m just gonna let it drip it’ll have to deal with it ugh i hate that feeling do i really have to blow my nose AGAIN yep okay so back to thinking about stuff that can help me fall asleep why hasn’t he called why was he so mean why do i feel this way did i do the right thing nope of course i didn’t i always screw everything up i can never do the right thing i always feel like i cant do the right thing with him i’ve apologized i think more times all together in my life to him than i have to anyone i think could be exaggerating but whatever that’s what it feels like i cant do anything right with him always making mistakes just like i treated chris oh no that’s how i treated chris made him feel like he never did anything right he always felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me which makes it obvious that we weren’t meant to be together but still i feel like i should write him a letter apologize i must be on an apologizing streak no that’s a bad idea let it stay in the past no need to touch it but wouldn’t that be okay wouldn’t it to just say i’m sorry to amend things to make things better yes and no and definitely not right now cause i’m being impulsive which i always am but when i’m impulsive with letters bad things tend to always happen i hate thinking about my ex boy am i lame could i be any lamer sleep sleep cat get off my fucking pillow dammit i hope i’m better tomorrow i wonder if he will call tomorrow i wish i had my best friend i wish i didn’t say anything how did he replace chris i hate saying i love you bad things always happens best to wait until its safe best to not do it thought that would be silly because then i would be a pathetic loser who couldn’t fall in love lame oh well and my period’s started so you would think i could think rationally nope guess not confused as always think i’m gonna close everything off now but still can’t sleep i feel nauseous damn period and stupid tampon i wonder if i’ve got toxic shock syndrome should i ever write chris an apology letter simple i’ve got it all worked out but why so i can be at peace with that but i can be by just letting it go two different states a new beginning a fresh start i can replace everyone and never have to look back again can i do that to him that text was so mean not like him that’s what i do to guys piss them off i really tried hard to focus on what i was saying i’m stupid though go figure leave it to me to say the wrong things i excel at that maybe he meant it as something else maybe he didn’t mean it to be mean always fucking things up over a text go figure i regret everything i shouldn’t have slept with my best friend i shouldn’t have let us get close like that i knew better but as always i think i’m above the norm outside the usual think i can survive it in the end i’m still human that keeps perfecting myself i must perfect myself must make things better with all people except for the ex should let that disappear under all the dust no need to uncover it wouldn’t matter apology wouldn’t matter his reaction would probably piss me off again again and remind me of things i shouldn’t remember holy shit its 4am fuck!

Okay, so there you have. If you were able to read through that entire jumble of pure unadulterated honesty, the window to my brain, then I applaud you. I’m finally feeling the sleeping pill kicking in…and it does feel somewhat better now that I’ve got most of that stuff off my brain. Aw man it’s 530am. You gotta be kidding me!

How do you choose the right vs the wrong?

Christanna Rowader1 Comment

When all is well and good, where I have successfully kept myself out of trouble, staying out of relationships, keeping myself safe from heartbreak, guarding my heart and controlling my feelings, I’ve realized that I let one slip through the gates.

What do you do when you’re faced with a difficult decision, confusing and depressing? Where you can’t make sense of what you’re feeling? When you don’t know what to do anymore, and the answer that once was so clear is now so skewed?

Making decisions can suck
Making decisions can suck

Human feelings can suck and screw with logic. No wonder Vulcans look down upon us so. When we are faced with something we don’t want to do, but know is best in the long run, we delay the inevitable. We hold on to what we know we’ll lose. We run from what we know is coming. All the while, we go on with our daily lives, pretending there’s nothing to choose from.

I’ve found that I am exactly in this annoyingly difficult situation. I always knew it would come some day, where I would have to let go of my best friend, but I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be. Considering I’ve been through a lot of hard “letting go” situations, I thought this one would be easier to deal with.

But of course, it’s not easy, and while I convince myself and my feelings that I don’t know what to do anymore, somewhere in the back of mind the answer is glaring at me. I just don’t like it. So I don’t listen.

I’ve always hated making the big decisions. I never feel like I’ll make the right one. There have been many times where I’ve felt like I made a big mistake. But I suppose that’s how it is in most cases. I seem to always choose the bumpy road versus the smooth one. Maybe it’s my personality. I like the challenge rather than the simple. Who knows?

So I’ll leave it all up to God. Won’t claim any responsibility… Just kidding. 😉

But things like this really are out of our hands, and we should just pray and hope the answer is near.

Two weeks aren’t so bad after all…

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

So I’ve been in California for about two weeks now and have already been having too much fun. I’ve been working a lot at The Restaurant, met some great people (stunt people no less) at the BBQ my roommate hosted, have already been asked out and gone on an all day long date with The Terminator, and have been making some good friends!

Last night, I encouraged a small group of us from work to go out to an English Pub after work. I was happy to find them very willing and excited to go. I felt pretty proud of myself, considering I’m the newbie, but I was the one asking people to come out for a good time. Unfortunately, my roommates are always so busy and gone all the time that I haven’t been able to get close to them yet.

However, The Terminator, who is close with my roommates, had inspired the idea of a game night for tomorrow. I’m very excited for this because I haven’t been able to really hang out with my roommates yet.

I’ve also made a very good friend at work. Her name is Anne (Anne with an E, lol) and she and I clicked right away. In fact, we clicked so easily and fast it was kind of shocking. She wants to take me around the area and show me what’s cool here. Yay! 🙂

What’s funny is that I am not the least bit homesick. I’ve never felt so comfortable in a place before, even though everything is still so new. Last night, a guy was overwhelming me with tons of questions about why I had moved here.

He asked, “Did I come out here alone?”

I said, “Yes.” I keep wondering why that’s such a big deal, moving alone. It seems for some people a strange thing, unless you’re moving for school. I also said that I wanted a change of scenery.

Then, Corey (that’s his name) said, “Now, I have to know and this may sound really personal, but…are you running away from something in Arizona?”

I stared at him for a second, and for the strangest reason—I don’t know if it was the way he said it—but I felt extremely exposed.

Corey smiled because my second of a hesitation gave me away completely. He said, “You running from some crazy ex-boyfriend, family member, or something?”

I laughed this time. Not exactly, I thought.

One of the rules I made for myself before moving out to California was to not mention or talk about “the past” if it was a bad memory.

California is my fresh start, where nothing and no one is related or connected to anything negative. For some reason, it’s a huge comfort to know that I left everything that was bad behind in another state. Feels as if nothing bad ever happened in the first place. And that is a great thing! The chance to have a new beginning is a chance worth taking.

So, all in all, it’s been a great week!

Boys and Girls can’t just be friends…

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

Unless the boy is gay of course.

I’ve been very stubborn to admit this statement can be true. I mean, come on! I grew up with boys, felt more comfortable with them, and many times considered myself to be one of them. In fact, many of my closest friends were boys. There were a few years here and there where I actually asked my best “guy friend” if he would be my maid of honor (whenever the day would come I would actually get married). We had a good laugh about it. How it would be unheard of. And how I’d better find a husband who wouldn’t mind my bestest friend in the whole world to be another (straight) guy.

I believed I could pull it off having a sans-sexual-tension best friend relationship with the opposite sex. Of course, I always think I can pull anything off, be above and beyond the norm. I was a very stubborn thinker during my teens and to my early twenties. Now that I am nearing my mid-twenties and have attempted to continue this way of thinking, I’ve realized I made a mistake.

Years ago, I saw the film When Harry Met Sally, which is supposed to be a story about two opposite sexes trying to ignore the ultimate sexual attraction they have for one another. They indulge in relationships with other people and keep their best friend relationship. As the movie continues, their friendship gets more complicated (of course!) and lots of random fighting start to sour everything up. Ultimately something needs to change in their friendship, but I’m not going to say what it was in case you haven’t seen the movie. Don’t wanna spoil the ending. 🙂

It’s funny, these platonic relationships. Because someone always seems to be more attracted to the other and has to learn how to control their feelings in case of ruining the comfortable friendship they have (now when I say friendship, I’m talking about really close friendships; best friend status). In most cases, I’ve found that it’s always the guy who starts to feel the sexual tension for his best “female” friend. Usually, for the girl, it never occurs to her unless someone else says something like, “Hey, you guys look cute together…” and only then does the sex idea pop up into her head. Otherwise, usually the girl is completely clueless about her best friend’s attraction to her. Usually.

Where am I going with this? Well, what happens when those two friends start to explore their sexual attraction for one another, all the while trying to stay “just friends?”

Crap happens. The deeper, romantic and complicated feelings start to come out and if the relationship isn’t defined appropriately, the friendship becomes more troublesome and messy than it should be. Everything you once thought was clear becomes cloudy and confusing. And your best friend becomes the source of your problems, instead of the problem solver. There’s no getting away from it, and there’s no sense in denying it.

So what do you do? Seeing as I really don’t have the answer, I’m gonna have to admit that I don’t know. But what I can tell you is to do this: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and wait for the answer to come. You’ll only see it on a clear day.

Crazy dream #3: Werewolves, aliens, and ex-boyfriends…oh, and did I mention teeth falling out! Ah!

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

Okay, I’m gonna have to say this particular dream gave me the cold sweats. As much as I love exciting dreams involving aliens and werewolves, this one made me more vulnerable that I’m normally used to. Whatever happened to my machine gun I’d always carried with me? It seems in my old age I’ve become more vulnerable in my dreams which sucks!

So I had another random dream about being attacked by aliens (from James Cameron’s Aliens), but honestly, as I write this, I can’t seem to recall the details. All I know is that I was running from them and then found myself in some neighborhood in California. I was with my ex-boyfriend, in his car watching the sunset on this mountain top nearby a high school my dad worked at, and I was vaguely aware of a practicing marching band as well. It was a peaceful moment, but as I lay in his arms listening to him talk, I felt an impending doom approaching. I had to get out somehow. There was somewhere I needed to be. But I didn’t know where.

I rushed out of the car and went inside the high school which evolved into a large dentist’s office. I looked into the mirror and smiled. My teeth felt funny, so I pushed against the front with my tongue, and BAM! A massive chip came off my tooth! My eyes widened in horror and felt with my tongue again, and BAM! Both front teeth tore out, detaching from the permanent retainer I had in. I caught them both with my hands, looked away from the mirror in disgust, and stared in horror at the broken teeth laying in my palms.

I couldn’t believe it! I worked so hard on straightening these teeth, and then they just randomly fell out!

Nonetheless, I felt I was on a mission. I pocketed the teeth, ran outside, my ex was waiting for me in concern, wondering where I’d gone. He started to follow me as I ran towards the west (or east, but it was one of those). But I ran too fast for him and he disappeared from my dream.

I was alone now, but I knew I’d eventually run into my dad. I was looking for him. There was a particular dirt path, surrounded by desert, that I was journeying on. I somehow met up with my old best friend Amy Baker and my mom. We were all following the same path. I was told by some others that I should beware of the wolf people in the next town I’ll be passing.

As soon as I got there, the wolf people came out to hunt. Then it was a full out fight. I somehow ended up with a sword…my only weapon to defend myself. Pretty lame against werewolves, if you ask me.

These things freak me out.
These things freak me out.

So here we were, running around like crazy people trying to fight off the strange pirate looking wolf people. Amy and my mom disappeared from the scene. There was a little girl I found and was compelled to pick her up and make a run for it. But the lead wolfman wouldn’t let me go. I used my negotiating skills on him (which turned out to be flirting) and suddenly he wanted to do me. I thought to myself, having sex with a dogman isn’t what I would call fun. He started to mount me, but before he could do his thing, I kicked him off, grabbed the girl and got the hell out of there.

I continued down the path, the little girl disappearing as well, and I was alone again. All I knew was that I needed to meet up with my dad at the train station. After miles of walking and fearing of being found by the wolves, I finally found my dad. By now, we were in the middle of a desert in Arizona, waiting by the train tracks. We were somehow going to jump onto the train and hide in one of the box cars to continue the rest of the 600 miles. The 600 miles were very specific, but I have no idea why. And there was one more wolf lair we’d have to pass by. It was the most dangerous of them all. They were the real vicious wolves that if they found “food” (humans) nearby, they would attack and eat them. Much different from the wolves I had fought earlier.

This worried me because we had to cover our scent and be very quiet in order to not alert the wolves. And, for some reason the 600 miles to the mysterious destination was very depressing to me. I felt I’d already gone so far. But I had 600 more miles to go. Ugh!

The dream ended with the train passing by, and me nearly missing it. My dad disappeared from the scene as well. I didn’t even get to see what the mysterious destination was. Dreams are lame like that.

Dream #2: Zombies, malls, and Alzheimer’s!!!

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

So, I had another awesome dream last night about being in a mall with lots of my friends ranging from high school to college. It started out as trying to escape off the planet featured in the movie Aliens, but since we failed to actually get off, the dream evolved into us escaping into a giant mall filled with zombies.

So instead of fighting off aliens, we were fighting off zombies the whole time. Only, I don’t remember us really having any weapons, so we had to use brute strength…and a lot of running. I remember as the zombies kind of chilled out for a second—meaning the calm before the storm sort of thing—we were taking the opportunity to really find a way to get to an escape route and rid our selves of the zombies forever. As we got a head start, journeying towards our destination, we passed a store that was giving out free designer clothes—they were closing because of the zombie infestation—and I couldn’t help myself and walked in. The sales reps were really in a bad mood, but I didn’t care. I was hunting for a very specific dress. I didn’t find it unfortunately, but I did find an equally cute dress. As soon as I grabbed it, another hand reached out and grabbed it too. I looked to see who it was, and it was my old best friend Sara from high school. She claimed she saw it first and had dibs. I claimed that I saw it first and had dibs. There was only one size left and we were fighting over it. She said that it couldn’t fit me because it was too small. I told her I wear a size small! After a little tiff, the zombies we were coming back, so I won the dress and got the hell out of there.

Then, as it seemed I was to be free of the zombie infested mall, I ended up in my grandparents’ old house in Glendale, AZ. I saw my grandma there, and my mom, but I couldn’t find Papa. It turns out we were waiting for my Papa’s return from Wisconsin. He was arriving at night, and I vaguely remember that I was really nervous for him to be traveling by himself because of his Alzheimer’s.

More and more of my family members showed up and I was curious as to why everyone was here. Finally, my Papa arrived. He was standing perfectly straight, smiling brightly, walking fast, and seemed so much more energetic than ever. As if he had gotten younger somehow. I was ecstatic! He had gotten better and was moving like he was young again. I waited to give him a big hug as he approached me. He looked me in the eye, but then bypassed me completely, going straight for my grandma, as if he didn’t recognize me. He scooped up Mana, surprising even her, and took her into the house, laughing all the way. Though, I was happy that my Papa had been cured of his old age, I realized he didn’t know who I was, despite the fact that he brought me up as a child. Knowing the zombies could appear any moment, feeling depressed that my Papa no longer knew who I was, though he knew everyone else, I decided to continue my plan to eradicate the zombies once and for all.

And that was it. I don’t remember anymore.

Two weeks are the toughest, so hold your breath…

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

So it is 2am and I am still awake. I think I successfully watched nearly four different movies all in a row today. I’ve never done that. This is what happens when I get really anxious for things to happen.

I’m waiting on work to get me on the schedule and they are taking their jolly time with it, all the while, I am entirely broke and have only a week and a half to make 850$! Can I do it?!!!

I have too.

So, I opened a new bank account with Chase and also applied for my very first ever credit card with Chase. My plan is to use the card if I am not able to make my October’s rent and then pay it off immediately. Needless to say, I will be working overtime, gritting my teeth all the way.

But no worries. It’s not like I have anything else to do…yet. First order of business is to save money and work lots.

And that’s exactly what I need to do! If only I could do RIGHT NOW!

So, there you have it. I’m sitting here roaming around the house, taking pictures of horses in the yard, watching a sci-fi, a horror flick, part of a horribly cheesy and stupid porno (I just don’t get how it gets people off, it’s laughable), another horror, and historical drama ALL IN ONE DAY!

Then when I’ve run out of interest in watching anymore movies, I sit here and write…very, very numbly, hoping that I can survive these two weeks.

And, I have too.

Because there’s no turning back. Because I know that if I couldn’t, I would fail myself in everything.

Oh, and did I mention that I did 200 crunches just for the fucking hell of it?

Two more weeks and I’ll be able to breathe again.

What do you do with a cat that pees on you?

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

Okay, so I already said that my cat had peed on me while I was sleeping the first night I moved to Cali.

Well, he peed again on my pillows last night! It was a good thing I had the light on when I laid down to sleep because the pee was so carefully hidden between my pillows—not on top of them, but between them!—as if Indy had actually given some thought as to where he could hide it. What the hell!

I love my kitty. He’s very loving as well, but I am not a fan of is PEE!!! Is there anything I can do to make him stop peeing on my bed? If anyone has any suggestions, please tell me. My friend Anthony told me to pee on him back, but…that would just start a whole peeing war, I think. Let me know what I can do. 😦

Day 2: Simi Valley Zoo

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

Today I checked out Simi Valley and nearby towns, went to BJ’s Restaurant to let them know I’m here—they all seem really cool, so I’m excited about that—hunted for a bank and came up empty, then relaxed on the patio on one of the outdoor bed/cabanas, watched a tortoise walk past me on the lawn, played with the neighbor’s dogs, held a baby chicken and fed it bread, then snuggled up to the two horses that live in our backyard.

Awesome day. Not to mention 75 degrees out.

Hello, California, nice to meet you.

Christanna Rowader5 Comments

Well, guys, I’m finally here. I’ve had a lot to do this weekend, unpacking, getting a tour from Ed Lojeski of Thousand Oaks, Malibu and Simi Valley, then doing extensive grocery shopping. Then, tomorrow, BJ’s in Westlake, my first day meeting with the managers.

When considering my acting career, I’ve decided to take it slow this year to make sure I make enough money at work before getting fully sucked in. But, with the help of my new roommates and Ed Lojeski, hopefully I can get into some little shows here and there just to keep me busy.

While I was unpacking, I realized I was barely choking down panic. I had to keep reminding myself that the first two weeks are always the hardest. But, once I got food in the house, I started to finally feel at home. Food always fixes things. 🙂

My poor cat, Indiana, is not too happy about the move. He’s panicking a hell of a lot more than I am and won’t eat or even go to the bathroom. So I bought little mice toys and some treats to try to cheer him up. He’ been spending all day and night under my bed which brings a tear to my eye. But it was time for him to become independent and move out of the house…sound familiar?

That’s all for now. I promise to get my Revolution Chapters done as soon as I get completely settled in. Tomorrow will be another busy day.