Ice

Christanna Rowader3 Comments

So I just drove forty-five minutes from Burbank to my house and it was a little past midnight. As I entered Simi Valley’s dark and quieter streets, I felt safe and, for once, felt as though home was nearby. I had, forty-five minutes earlier, just turned my back on a recent ex-boyfriend/friend/the Terminator. We hadn’t really been together for a month and a half now since our last “break up” discussion, but things between us were never solidified. At least, not what I understood of it. However, in recent weeks, we had been speaking and randomly seeing each other at convenient intervals. Needless to say, I had to make things clearer, for myself, in any case. I wasn’t going to endure another on and off relationship where the guy could never honestly love me back or truly want to be with me. Which is fine, in retrospect, because this is what happens to people. But I, personally, don’t think I have it in me to keep holding on to something so uncertain, confusing, and slippery.

I have attempted to think like a guy and enjoy the moments of uncertainty run by pure animalistic instinct. I lasted about three days of not letting my emotions get to me, and then it failed once I shared my stories with close and not-so-close friends. No matter the differences between each friends’ status, the answer was the same. “You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you.”

So, as reality clicked in on punctual time, it struck me that I was allowing myself to fall into another disastrous loop trap with an ex. This time I put my foot down, which was really hard to do, and drove away from Burbank to home, with no tears, but definitely a deep frown creasing my brow.

I knew, as I drove down the blackened highways of Southern California, that this time I was on my own. My last break up was comforted and surrounded by loyal and loving friends who did everything in their power to help me survive. Those friends still exist, but are far away and are no longer available. My parents are no longer available because, they too, are far away. This time, I’m in it alone. Just me and my cat. But really, just me.

Fortunately, in this particular case, I have become much more durable. It only frightens me a little that I have been able to cut off direct connection to deep feelings, that I have become colder inside, and that that coldness has given me the strength and confidence to move on.

What can a person do? When they have no close friends? When they have no loved ones nearby? When she must live with the fact that the man she was with didn’t want her anymore? What does a person do in order to survive the isolation? She becomes like ice, freezes over until someone decides to make her warm with the sun again.

The Revolution: Chapter 11 part 1

Christanna Rowader3 Comments


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Luke sat alone, cross-legged on the stone floor inside the Jedi council chamber. The room itself was round and sat atop the main spire of the temple, the wide windows looking out towards every direction. Luke could see far behind the Forest of Ood, the academy grounds and out towards the deserts. Ossus’ sun had set, basking everything in a silver hue allotted from the small moon, except for the little orange glow lights that glittered sporadically throughout the grounds. It was dark and quiet and peaceful.

Here, alone inside the council chamber, Luke could think. He thought on the recent events that had occurred within just a matter of weeks. It was only a few weeks ago when all he needed to worry about was his relationship with his son Ben. Mara would not approve, of course, of their growing distance. This made Luke smile a little, thinking of his late wife, and watching a little glowfly float outside the chamber window. If Mara was still here, things with Ben wouldn’t be so difficult.

But he couldn’t keep falling back on that thought. There was no way to move forward without letting go. Still, there were nights where he feared sleep, feared he would relive feeling his wife fade from the Force, her life taken by his nephew Jacen, and the dark journey he would follow after. All the while, his love for Ben, his fear of losing him too, had now become a problem in of itself.

Sitting against the cold stone floor, gazing at the barely visible reflection of himself against the window opposite him, he realized just how old he’d become. The creases lining his brow, the corners of his eyes, the sides of his mouth were deeper now than they’d ever been. And he was alone. More alone than he realized.

He needed Ben, needed to fix what had come between them. But he didn’t know how. And now a new enemy threatened the galaxy, once again, and was somehow related to the strange golden-haired woman with the diamond-shaped scar. Whom Ben despised and the other JedI avoided. Whom remained a blank spot within the Force and was not human nor Yuuzhan Vong, but an unidentifiable alien unaware of her invisibility to the Force and the fear that fact created? Jacen was the only JedI he knew of that could remain hidden within the Force enough to be non-existent for long periods of time. But Lilliya knew nothing of the Force.

It occurred to him that if there was another invasion or war outbreak connected to whatever it was Lilliya said had attacked Endor, Luke didn’t know how much longer he could survive it. He wondered vaguely how his sister would fair as well, being the leader of the galaxy’s government once again.

At the point, his comlink beeped at him and he knew immediately that it would be Leia.

“I was just thinking of you,” Luke answered with a bland smile.

“Yes, I know,” she responded, her voice tight. “Listen, we’ve got a problem. We’ve lost contact with TwinSuns. I can’t get a hold of Jaina and I can’t sense her presence in the Force.”

Luke frowned, concerned by the fact that he didn’t even notice her disappear.

“What do you want to do?” Luke asked.

“Whatever is going on, we need to stop it fast,” Leia said, her voice low and gruff, as if she hadn’t slept in days. “I don’t want another crisis on my hands and I can’t do anything from here. The Council wants to send warships to Endor, but we don’t know what we’re up against and I don’t want to send thousands of people blindly to their possible deaths. Sending a battalion will also scare a lot of worlds. Any news of our taking action will throw the galaxy in a panic.

“But I can’t just let Jaina’s team disappear. I can’t let Jaina…” Her voice dissolved into deep sigh. It was a minute before Leia spoke again, clearing her voice. “The Council is having a meeting in five hours. I want you to be there with a group of JedI. I’m going to propose for you to lead a small group out to Endor, find out what happened to Jaina and find that ship Commander Lilliya Tentle mentioned. But I wanted to ask you first if this was okay with you; if the JedI are up to it.”

Luke understood. Ever since the Alliance and Corellian civil war, JedI involvement in government business was a touchy subject. Leia herself was torn between her duty as a JedI Knight and the elected President of the Alliance. She had to put down her lightsaber once more for the better good and safety of the rest of the JedI, otherwise the Alliance would have declared JedI practice dangerous and illegal.

“I think bringing Lilliya would also be wise,” Luke said. “She has had first hand encounters with this ship. As far as we know, it hasn’t left the Endor system?”

“Planet Security has been put on a full range defense system alert. If anything enters their systems, doesn’t identify themselves or attacks, we’d know about it,” Leia said.
Luke nodded, standing from his seated position. “I’ll come now with a group. Ben and Lilliya included.”

“Thank you, Luke. I’m really worried about Jaina.”

“We’ll find her. I promise,” Luke said. And he meant it. The worst thing that could happen was for Leia to lose her last remaining child to another terror from the galaxy. It seemed as though death was always at their heals.

He contacted Ben, Sori, C’obin, and two other Jedi Knights named Tzahn and Kerri, making it a total of six, not including Lilliya. These JedI were talented in more ways than the Force and were well-educated in military ground tactics. Sori and C’obin were once black market trackers before deciding to join the academy, and Tzahn and Kerri were once with the Galactic Alliance Guard, but defected once Jacen had seized the galaxy.
The JedI confirmed to meet by Luke’s ship, the Jade’s Fury, named for his wife, and Ben thankfully didn’t argue, Luke knew, due to the fact they were going after Jaina.

Luke made his way to the infirmary where Lilliya still lay resting. When he entered, Uhala pointed him towards one of the med center’s private bedrooms where Lilliya slept.
Luke stepped inside, the door hissing gently behind him. She laid in a bed near one of the windows, the moonlight flooding the room in a silver glow. Her hair was silver again, glistening brighter by the moon’s light, and she looked so calm, her features empty of any sign of frustration, sadness. He was used to seeing her deep in concentration, or deeply angry. But never peaceful, even when she tried to meditate. Luke hated to wake her, tell her she was needed to find the ship that destroyed her home and family and possibly fight another battle.

But these things needed to be dealt with. Lilliya needed to face her enemy.

As he neared her bedside to reach out and wake her, he realized her body, the cuts and bruises that had littered her arms and hands, were all gone. He wondered if that was the work of Uhala or if Lilliya’s body had a natural ability to heal quickly. He was tempted to reach out and pull at the bandage that dressed the bite wound to see if that too had healed entirely.

As his fingers brushed the skin of her shoulder, he felt a shock of electricity and then heard something. It was a whisper somewhere far away. He thought maybe he was hearing things, but as he touched her shoulder again, he heard another whisper, as though a pair of lips were barely brushing his ear.

Luke stood in silence, staying perfectly still, keeping his fingers against Lilliya’s skin, and listened. This was the first time Luke had any physical reaction or connection with Lilliya through the Force. Or, at least, he assumed it was the Force. And he didn’t want to lose it. Every moment around Lilliya was a new discovery, one that made him feel only more curious and drawn to her.

Closing his eyes and holding his breath, he listened. There was barely a voice, but it was there, a word, he just couldn’t make it out. He wanted to grab Lilliya’s shoulder as if that would make the connection stronger, but stopped himself. Opening his eyes, he looked down at Lilliya’s sleeping form. She wore only a night sheet and her crystal necklace.

Luke cocked an eyebrow. So she still hadn’t removed the necklace like he’d asked. Maybe the necklace had everything to do with it. After all, JedI did build their lightsabers from very rare Kaiburr Force crystals. Maybe her necklace was the key to the mystery. Even now, when he touched her and felt the shock of electricity he noticed the crystal glow slightly in the darkness.

There wasn’t time, of course, to investigate it any further. Luke gently shook her awake, whispering her name.

Lilliya’s eyes popped open as if on automatic. She glanced at her surroundings, then at Luke.

“I’m alive?” she said, her voice cracking.

Luke smiled down at her, and then it quickly faded. “You were attacked by an android,” he said. “We don’t know why yet.”

Lilliya frowned, then tried to sit up. Luke attempted to help, but realized she was fully capable of doing it on her own. She touched the bandaged bite wound with her fingers and looked as if she didn’t remember.

“Ben saved me?” she asked.

“Yes, he found you. The android appeared to have injected you with some kind of paralyzing venom. But your body was able to fix itself without any assistance,” Luke said as he grabbed a thermal robe to wrap Lilliya in.

“Hmm, interesting,” Lilliya murmured. “I have in the past been a fast healer. I don’t bruise easily.”

Luke nodded, pretending not to be too interested.

“Why did you wake me?” Lilliya asked as she wrapped herself in the robe.

“I’ve spoken with Leia. She says they lost contact with Jaina’s team as well. Leia wants us to rendezvous with her to Coruscant. The Council is holding a meeting as to what their next plan of action is. Leia wants the JedI to go in after Jaina.” Luke said.

“What makes you think she’s still alive?”

Luke stiffened. “Because I’d feel it if she died, and so would Leia. So far, her presence has just disappeared.”

Lilliya frowned. “So who’s us?”

“Me, Ben, four other JedI Knights, and you.”

“I assume I am to act as advisor to you,” Lilliya said, a twinkle of disdain glittering in her left eye. Or maybe it was the diamond scar reflecting oddly in the moonlight. “Considering I’m not too talented with a lightsaber.”

“More than that,” Luke frowned. “Your military expertise and your experience with this ship makes you the best chance we have at finding Jaina and possibly combating the assailants.”

“All the more reason why I should have been first pick on the investigation team. I still don‘t understand why I got sent here to an academy I don‘t belong at.” Lilliya’s demeanor was colder than he’d ever seen it. “I can sense the other students disapproval of me. Especially Ben. He acts as though I’m a walking parasite.”

Luke frowned distractedly. “You can sense?” He seemed to be drawn to her specific word-choice.

Lilliya huffed in annoyance. “What I mean is I can see it in their eyes. I can’t sense like a JedI. But who can miss the obvious glares I get anytime I walk past a student?”

“I can’t explain to you right now as to why the other students receive you so negatively.” Suddenly, Luke felt the urge to be completely open with Lilliya and spill out all the little secrets. “But I can tell you why you were really brought here. Do you remember the short but deadly insurrection we experienced nearly a decade back? My nephew, Jacen Solo, was the leader who tried to end that insurrection. He tried by slaughtering innocent lives believing he could control the galaxy with an iron fist and that that was the only route to peace.

“He could also be invisible to the Force and he could use his powers in ways no other JedI could imagine. He was dangerous. You remember what else was dangerous? The Yuuzhan Vong. They were invisible to the Force as well. These two foes were deadly to the galaxy and a difficult assailant to fight against because the JedI, who base most of their fighting skills on aura sensory, could not sense their auras.

“You, Lilliya, are invisible. No one can sense you. It is as if you don’t exist. But you stand in front of me breathing. I can physically touch you. But I can’t touch you.” Luke tapped his brow at this point gesturing to his mind. The expression on Lilliya’s face was a mix of wonder, confusion, and anger. But he couldn’t sense those emotions radiate in her life’s aura like he would in any other being. He could only guess what she was feeling.

“So,” Lilliya murmured, finally able to work her mouth into forming words, “you fear me.”

Luke remained silent, but offered her an apologetic look.

Lilliya continued, as she came to grips with this new and somehow irritating news. “You also believe I had something to do with the Raider Base’s attack. Because I am the only survivor, you think I’m a decoy or infiltrator. And the reason you believe this is because…I’m invisible to the Force.” She scowled at her own words. “That’s why you had YVH guard droids flanking my side night and day on Coruscant. That’s why I’m here. So you can watch me, surrounded by all the other JedI Knights, in case I decide to escape. I’m on the perfect secure planet because you…think I’m the bad guy.” A look of astonishment crossed over her face as she finished. She had no idea the Alliance thought she was a threat, a liability. And it frightened her, the idea that the most powerful government was now aware and scared of her, the same government she grew up in, worked and fought for. So much for hard, patriotic loyalty.

“What now?” she said, after a long silence between a Grand Master JedI and unnerved, young suspect of the Alliance. “Are you really taking me to this Council meeting, or is this a ploy to keep me under wraps? I know how paranoid and over-protective this galaxy can get.”

Now Luke felt bad. He felt as if he just tore a young girl’s already broken heart into shreds and scattered them. He could see how this revelation had broken her spirit. The sadness in her eyes was only sadder now. Her porcelain face a pale gray. And she couldn’t meet Luke’s face. Her gaze remained still and fixed on the med chamber’s door.

“Know that after these few weeks, I have come to trust you,” Luke finally said, taking her arms and urging her to stand. She stood without effort but continued staring at the door and away from Luke. “I believe you are not the enemy. If you had been, your real identity would have slipped up by now. However, that does not stop me from being suspi—curious about you and your strange abilities within the Force. In the next few months, you will feel very alone. After we find Jaina and intercept this mysterious ship, if you wish to return to Ossus and continue your learning, I welcome you. Maybe we can discover the answer to your own mystery.

“You are not alone, Lilliya. I will be here.” That last statement took Luke off guard. He hadn’t expected to give Lilliya that much hope and he certainly didn’t want her to think he was suggesting taking her in. Luke had enough problems as it was with his own son and trying to reconnect with him.

But maybe the Force was telling him something, although it wasn’t the same whisper he heard minutes ago even though he was touching Lilliya now. But the comment I will be here just spilled out of his mouth involuntarily. Of course, if Lilliya decided to return to Ossus after who-knows-what happened on Endor, then obviously he would be around to stay in touch with. He just hadn’t meant for his comment to sound so…promising. Especially one he wasn’t sure he could keep.

Lilliya was looking at him now, a little glowing hint of reassurance in her eyes.

“Just tell Ben to keep his distance,” she said, breaking the second round of awkward silence. “I know he saved my life and all, but he sure has a bad attitude.”

“He’s dealt with a lot in life,” Luke grumbled. This time it was his turn to glance away. The pain of Mara’s death had never quite left him and he knew it affected Ben ten times more. “But, that’s no excuse. I’m sure he’ll warm up to you sooner or later.”

Lilliya grunted in disbelief and headed towards the med exit. “I’ll get dressed then. I had packed a few clothes Jaina lent to me, so I’m sure I have something else to wear other than training jumpsuits and cargo gear.”

“Cargo gear I’m sure will be appropriate,” Luke said, but she was already out the door. He stood for a minute in the dim moonlit room amazed at how smoothly Lilliya had taken that bit of information about her non-existent presence. She seemed to be able to soak it up and bury it along with all the other agonizing thoughts she tucked away neatly. At least, he assumed that’s what she did. She was a professional, a military pilot bred to disregard all other mentally distracting and torturing feelings. She would make the perfect JedI, if only he knew how to do it. And he wish he could more now than ever, if only for the success of Jaina’s rescue mission and whatever horrors lie waiting for them on Endor.

Are you an Eponine or a Cosette???

Christanna Rowader8 Comments

Tell me, girls, do you consider yourself the sweet, charming beauty who can pretty much snag any guy she ever wants, or are you “one of the guys,” the cute but tough chick who can’t, for the life of her, EVER catch the man she wants? If you are, in fact, the beautiful sweetness men sing arias for, then you’re the lovely Cosette.* But if you’re the one nestled in the couch with the rest of the boys playing Nazi Zombies or battling it out in Halo Live, laughing and swearing, and somehow always shoulder to shoulder with the one guy you’d die for, you are, unfortunately, the doomed chick Eponine.Eponine

I am an Eponine dreaming to be a Cosette. I have, for twenty years, had the unfortunate bad habit of falling madly for the guy who will ALWAYS put me in the friend zone. I can remember since I was five years old having obsessions and wishful-thinkings over a particular guy which would last a good amount of years. But instead of him responding back, I got the cannon in the stomach. This is what makes me Eponine. I just haven’t had the chance to sing a “Little Fall of Rain” as I pathetically die in my Dream Guy’s arms. I am not a girl who falls in love easily OR can jump from guy to guy. My feelings, sadly enough, seem to think loyalty will be rewarded even if the loyalty to whom it is given isn’t wanted. I can even name off the guys I had become a glowing idiot for: Mark Pritchard, 1st thru 4th grade; Paul Sims, 4th thru 10th grade (extremely pathetic); James Gastonguay (11th into first years of college).

After James, I had figured out I was stupid for letting myself attach to guys like that. These were also the guys who knew very well that I was crazy for them, but were more interested in punching me playfully in the arm rather than kissing me on the cheek. I wasn’t “chase” worthy, I suppose, because my feelings were too obvious. Since James, I told myself to never let a guy know that I like him too much.

However, I have slipped up in the past year. I have crushed on a few guys and let it be known, and LO AND BEHOLD, they lost interest AGAIN. The only time I’ve ever had success in catching a guy I liked was pretending I didn’t notice them. But that sucks, because as soon as I started to express my love for them, they run off, and to some better, sweet pretty girl named Cosette! as I take the gun shot to the gut once again.

I get a bad feeling I’ll be singing “On My Own” for a good chunk of time. Which, on one hand, isn’t all bad because of my focus on my career. But nobody wants to go it alone for too long. I could always request a character change and go for Lucy (Jekyll and Hyde slut) and hook up to get a fix. But that leads to craziness!…and death.

Ah, challenges are the sweet pieces of life which make this world interesting. And as I come to terms with the reality of my character, I have decided being Eponine is way more fun. I also get the big, show-stopping solo, and I’d rather have that, than a duet. The mystery and adventure of wondering where he is or what he’s doing is always exciting as I crawl into bed dreaming of the day we’ll meet. I believe Eponine did the same before she died. Only she knew where her man was, he was just off doing it with Cosette and MariusCosette. Tough luck. But that’s the fun of it.

Who are you? Are you Cosette with no problems in getting your guy? Or are you Eponine, always dreaming?

* PS-For those of you who don’t know these two lovely ladies, they are the leading women from the musical, Les Miserables. Eponine gets killed with a gun shot wound in the gut as Cosette gets the man of Eponine’s dreams and lives happily ever after.

So you wanna challenge?

Christanna Rowader6 Comments

I got one!

I’m starting to feel the heat of life. It’s been nine months since I moved from Arizona to California, and the first eight were easy, smooth, controlled, and, honestly, a lot of fun. I had a boyfriend, a job that generally made good money, and beautiful weather. But I wasn’t in any shows yet, which was fine. I think the only patience I have in my strong-willed, stubborn brain is literally reserved for the days when I pretend to be an actor.

But then, in just one month things pop! Near the end of May, I was leaving for my cousin’s wedding in Missouri. On that day, I knew I was recently cast in Cinderella and also got a call announcing that I was approved for Wonder Woman within Six Flags Magic Mountain. Good news, wouldn’t you say? I tell my boyfriend at the time how excited I was and then realized how busy I was going to be. He responded with a very dry, “Good luck.” That marked the first step towards the downhill slope coming my way.

To back track ever-so slightly, I was also on the hunt for a new job. This being because my General Manager was turning everything to hell and I wanted out. Unfortunately, I can’t go anywhere until I have another job lined up.

Back on track—I’m at my cousin’s wedding and I realize just how truly happy she and her husband look. Believe me, I can smell faux-happiness anywhere. Except in myself, funny as that is. So at this point, she tells me to never settle, that he’s out there, that she’s been in many relationships never fully satisfied until this one. This sinks hard into my over-analyzing brain and I leave Missouri with a sour lump in my stomach.

Weeks go by and I still can’t find a job. Nobody’s hiring, or they say they are, put me through two interviews, then never call me again. I go into one place weekly just to see if they have an opening and I’m never able to see a manager. At this point, I feel like a stalker.

“Well at least I have Wonder Woman and Cinderella,” I mutter aimlessly.

Oh wait! Not so! I had been approved by Warner Bros. and DC Comics, but Magic Mountain wouldn’t pick me up. They neglected to set up any interviews or even return my calls. I actually had to drive 40 min. up to Magic Mountain thinking I had an interview scheduled at 1030am to find out they wouldn’t see me until 1230pm. I was so angry because my life is already too busy that I just left. There was no way I was going to sit around for two hours. No way!

So Wonder Woman is out of the picture. On top of this fabulous discovery, my boyfriend and I were having deep conversations. Conversations about calling it quits. And then it happened pretty much in the same week.

So now Terminator is out of the picture. What do I have left? No real close friends, that’s for sure. I spent most of my free time with my relationship, neglecting to work on making any friendships. I actually sobbed one night—obviously with a glass of Merlot nestled tightly in my grasp—and I’m talking a full-gusty meltdown of pathetic gush where I cried to my cat about how “alone” I am and how “I have no friends.” The only thing that could actually sober me up was, shockingly, the Vicodin I took thinking it would put me to a hard sleep. Not so. I was as chill as a popsicle.

Then I could really ponder on what I had left. What was it? Oh yeah! Cinderella and my awful serving job. And the sad thing is, every time I walk into a new restaurant to apply, they all say, “We’d love to hire you! But we need you to have more availability…” Go figure, Cinderella would be the one thing keeping me from escaping my current job.

So as I sit here typing out smoking little letters of impatient frustration…I realize the challenging part of California has finally arrived. I’m either having to fight very hard or submerge myself in utter patience—which I actually fight very hard to do anyway. But I won’t be beaten! My stubbornness would rather kill me. And if Plan A never works, I have plenty of Plan B’s waiting…patiently.

Not even a year

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Many things have occurred since my last post. I have done numerous auditions for film and theater of all kinds. I also did an audition for the character Wonder Woman for Six Flags Magic Mountain. Warner Brothers and DC Comics had to approve of my appearance for Wonder Woman. Amazingly, I got the approval on top of being considered one of the best looking Wonder Women they’ve ever seen. If only they’d do a movie…

Also, I got cast in Roger’s and Hammerstein’s musical Cinderella. My first rehearsal was today and it felt great to be apart of a musical once again. Cinderella marks the first big show I’m apart of in California. Of course, I was in the monologue show called Sex, Relationships, and Sometimes Love, where I played a seductive, sexy rapist who lost interest in her prey, but that lasted only for a little while.

I feel pretty good about my almost first year in California. Although the only thing I realized after being here for nine months is that I haven’t made any close friends. And because of that, I’ve found it very lonely. One of my closest friends came to visit me recently and I noticed just how much I missed having good, close girlfriends. I had such a good time with Marilyn and her fiancé that I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. For the nine months of living here, I had failed to make any good friends. In reality, the closest friend I made was the Terminator, the man I had been seeing for, ironically, nine months, but since he decided to “terminate” the relationship, I found myself back at the beginning.

So, if that’s the case, I’ve always been good with beginnings. I think the one thing to learn from this is to make good friends first before anything else, otherwise you end up alone.

The Revolution: Chapter 10 part 2

Christanna Rowader1 Comment

Luke stood at the edge of the forest, sensing Ben’s fear, but couldn’t understand the meaning of it. It didn’t make sense for Ben to fear Lilliya unless she had turned on him violently. And then the possibility hit Luke like bolt of hard energy. Maybe Lilliya was the alien imposter he and Leia surmised she could be. image

Luke’s hand automatically drifted to the hilt of his lightsaber as he was vaguely aware of other Jedi gathering a few meters behind him. Maybe they felt Ben’s fear too. Ben hadn’t expressed fear since the death of Jacen, so feeling it ripple through the Force was shocking.

But before Luke decided to run in there after him, Ben’s figure finally broke free of the dark jungle. And in his arms was an unconscious Lilliya, sickly white with an odd tinge of blue.

“She was attacked!” Ben answered the unasked questions of his father and the other Jedi behind him. “About seventeen hundred meters from here. I killed the attacker, but left the body.”

Still refusing to use levitation to carry it with you, I see, Luke thought. “Sori, C’obin, retrieve the attacker’s body and bring it to the science lab,” Luke gestured to the two Jedi Falleen standing side by side. Without a word, they unhooked their lightsabers and disappeared into the jungle in the direction Ben instructed.

Ben looked very worried as he approached his father with Lilliya cradled.

“I can’t tell if she’s dying or if she‘s already dead,” Ben spoke quietly so the other remaining curious Jedi didn’t hear.

Luke observed the main wound, a deep bite mark, on her shoulder. The bleeding had stopped and it was already blackening over. She didn’t look like she was breathing.

“Let’s get her to the infirmary,” Luke said, eyes tight with concern. “I’ll call Uhala to see what she can do.”

Uhala was the leading Jedi Healer on Ossus and had brought many of those near death back to perfect health. She was also the first-ever Chiss to be a Jedi Master. Luke wasn’t sure how she could handle someone invisible to the Force, but there wasn’t much of a choice at this point.

Ben laid Lilliya down on the white bed. Uhala was already there wrapping herself in sterile robes. Luke stood outside speaking quietly into his comlink.

“How bad?” Ben asked as Uhala scanned her.

Her blue skin glowed under the bright lights and her red eyes flickered at Ben briefly before settling down on Lilliya’s bite wound.

“Scans say she is alive, but the venom inside her has paralyzed all functions,” Uhala said, her tone betraying no emotion. “It won’t be hard to extract the venom from her body. She should be fine, as far as I can tell with just these instruments.” Uhala gently probed the wound with a gloved finger. “Fascinating…” she murmured.

“What?” Ben said anxiously, glancing from Luke standing outside deep in conversation and Lilliya’s paralyzed form.

“This wound seems to already be healing itself. I will sterilize it anyway,” Uhala shrugged as she gathered solution and dressings to wrap the bite mark with.

Ben gazed down at Lilliya’s shoulder and noticed how drastically it had healed. When he had found her, the shoulder was oozing blood. The wound was not only scabbed up, but the skin around it was no longer inflamed or bruised.

“Is that also bad?” Ben asked, feeling like an amateur with this medical stuff.

Uhala shrugged again, barely glancing in Ben’s direction as she began to wrap the wound. She grabbed another needle-like instrument and began to hook Lilliya up with a computer. “This will detect the venom from the blood and extract it from the body,” she said and Ben knew she was just humoring him. Uhala never spoke unless she really had to, but she could sense his unease. He was nervous about Lilliya dying because he felt guilty. And this irritated him because he didn’t want to feel guilt.

“Sori and C’obin found your attacker,” Luke said suddenly as he walked into the med room. “They have it in the science lab and are examining it now. I want to see this thing. We can leave Lilliya here with Uhala.”

Uhala nodded in confirmation. Ben seemed strangely reluctant to move away from Lilliya’s bedside, but followed Luke out anyway.

The two Skywalkers walked side by side silently down the long corridor then through a metal doorway into the labs.

Sori and C’obin stood around a dissecting table with the strange white humanoid already being disassembled. Luke and Ben stood on opposite sides of the table as the green-skinned Falleen Jedi stopped their work.

“I was worried because I couldn’t sense Lilliya in danger,” Ben explained without being asked. “It was only when I heard her scream that I could detect where she was. I couldn’t sense whatever this thing is either.”

“Master Skywalker, may I explain,” Sori, the female Falleen, spoke.
Luke nodded.

“It is an android, built to look and feel like an organic humanoid,” Sori said. “Not so different from our own organic droids, but it’s tissue isn’t registered in any of our droid banks. Although the computer is still scanning its origin, all of our organically manufactured tissues are registered within the droid marketing corporations including black market droid sects.”

Luke’s brow furrowed as he stared down at the white face and wide black eyes. They seemed to be staring back at him, watching him.

“Are you sure this thing is dead?” Luke asked, looking up at Sori.

Sori and C’obin looked at each other, then back at Luke. “It’s primary functions are no longer operating,” C’obin said. “Ben Skywalker had severed the main server in its chest.”

“Continue the autopsy,” Luke said, moving away from the humanoid’s range of vision. “And cover those eyes while you’re at it.”

Sori and C’obin looked at each other again and shrugged. Luke and Ben exited the lab and continued back down the corridor toward the infirmary.

“I got a bad feeling,” Luke murmured.

“Yeah so do I,” Ben said, turning to stop Luke. “If that thing isn’t from Ossus, what the hell is it doing here? And why is it just as mysterious as Lilliya. I mean, the fact that it wasn’t detectable in the Force, Sori and C’obin say it’s tissue samples aren’t recognizable by the computer, and it was after Lilliya. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen anything like that thing.”

“It is a big galaxy,” Luke said mostly to himself, looking deep in thought.

“Come on, Dad,” Ben said, frustration seeping into his voice. “That thing is just as weird and out of place as Lilliya. And what about Lilliya’s mysterious battle ship? What about Jaina? What’s happening on Endor? I haven’t heard from her in two weeks. Her mission shouldn’t be taking this long without an update.”

“Calm down, Ben,” Luke said, snapping out of his reverie. “It won’t help anyone if you’re panicking. I want you to get some rest while I speak with Uhala and Leia on this.”

Ben crossed his arms. “I thought we’d figure this out together,” he said.

“We will figure this out together, but right now I want you to rest while I get a hold of Leia and talk to her first,” Luke said more firmly, placing a reassuring hand on his son’s shoulder.

Ben looked as if to argue, but held back. Instead, he nodded briskly, spun around and disappeared down the corridor.

Luke waited until Ben was out of sight before he returned to the med room where Uhala continued to examine Lilliya. Luke hated to be so secretive with his son, but he wasn’t ready to explain to him that Lilliya wasn’t human and that they didn’t know what she was. Luke had already contacted Leia, letting her know that Uhala would soon find out that Lilliya wasn’t human and that meant that Lilliya’s secret would then be known by one more person. And this made him uneasy. He wasn’t sure how long they could keep it a secret, or if they needed to at all. Perhaps Lilliya did know she wasn’t a human. Perhaps she already knew what species she was. Maybe they just needed to ask. But what would asking bring?

“How is she doing?” Luke asked Uhala.

“Quite well, surprisingly,” Uhala looked up with her bright red eyes.

“When will she wake?”

Uhala glanced down at Lilliya’s peaceful form. Her skin had already brightened back to its normal creamy hue and they could see her chest moving in shallow breaths.

“Probably within the hour,” Uhala answered, her gaze seeming to hide something.

“Should I keep her here under observation?”

“That would be a good idea, in case anything goes wrong,” Luke responded, staring back at Uhala. “Did you find anything on the venom’s origin?”

“No,” Uhala said bluntly. “The computer could not recognize the venom. The computer also could not recognize Lilliya’s blood, therefore was not able to determine what to extract as a toxin. It determined her as…unreadable.” For a female Chiss with barely any emotion, she looked as though she was actually excited by this information.
Luke glanced from Uhala and back to Lilliya, not quite making the connection. “Are you saying…she healed herself?”

“Precisely.”

But how? Luke thought. Maybe she was able to go into a Jedi healing trance before she went unconscious. But that didn’t make sense when she didn’t even know how to lift a rock with the Force.

“Uhala, you mustn’t tell anyone what you have discovered, not even Lilliya,” Luke said.

“I understand,” Uhala nodded professionally and as Luke exited the med center, he suddenly realized just how much he didn’t understand.

***

Maurel watched a holo image of a man in black with shocks of gray above each ear frown then disappear from view.

“That is Luke Skywalker, the Grand Master of the Jedi Council,” Captain Jorn explained as they watched the images change from a white ceiling to a green-skinned Falleen female and male. A few minutes later the image was lost to darkness, probably, Jorn surmised, by the Falleen Jedi disabling it.

Maurel had a grim smile on his chiseled face, but remained introspective.

“Was it her?” Captain Jorn asked, his sad, wrinkled face looking older now under the control of the Chrystallite Regime.

Maurel turned to a computer pad and read the readouts the probe droid had sent out before the Jedi, Ben Skywalker, terminated it. The droid’s mission was to identify and capture the woman Maurel was after, and if the droid couldn’t do the latter, then at least the identification readouts would be enough.

And as Maurel read the DNA readings taken when the droid bit the girl, his smile broadened.

“Reverse image back to point one-oh-five clicks,” Admiral Maurel commanded, and the holo images reversed back to a close up image of the woman backed against a tree.

“So you gonna eat me, or what?” the woman had said, right before the probe droid bit her.

“Back point one-oh-two,” Maurel said again. And the image showed a longer duration of the woman’s appearance struggling against the tree. Gold-blonde hair streaking with silver as darkness came, flawlessly ivory skin, one sapphire eye, one emerald and within the emerald was a diamond scar flashing a dark purple.

Dark purple, Maurel knew, meant fear. But only Maurel would know this. He watched the image of the young woman with a ferocious hunger, listened to the recording of her voice say, so you gonna eat me, again and then listened to her scream. The scream seemed to send Maurel a thrill of excitement, his sapphire eyes glittering bright.

“Set course for Ossus,” Admiral Maurel finally said. Then he turned to give Captain Jorn a fiery glare. “That’s her,” he said with a slow smile.

Captain Jorn nodded and turned to his second in command, giving the order. Maurel continued to watch the recording, repeating the same image of the young woman, and Jorn turned to leave him to his disturbing pleasures, all the while feeling sick to his stomach. Jorn had never seen anyone take so much pleasure in hunting someone. Even in his younger days, while growing up in the Imperial Remnant, the Moffs never showed such animalistic desire to kill.

But Jorn could have no opinion. Jorn had no freedom. Jorn was Maurel’s pet, along with all the other human captives forced into the Chrystallite Empire. They were all pets. And Jorn couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before Maurel decided he had no more use for them and kill them all.

Once upon a time…

Christanna Rowader4 Comments

…There was a very young girl who liked a very young boy. She’d punch him and shoved him into trees and was so sure he’d know she meant love. But the boy cried, running to the first grade teacher, pointed at the girl, “telling” on her. The girl’s face fell in sadness. She was so sure he knew! And then there was detention. This made the girl very angry, and she vowed to never love the boy again, rather to kick his butt just a little harder next time.boy and girl

As I was growing up, I wanted more than anything to be impervious to emotional pain. I believe most of us strive for this in vain. Because when it comes to relationships, pain is part of the warning label. WARNING: YOU MAY DEVELOP A BROKEN HEART.

As a constant analyzer of human emotional reactions, throughout the years I have examined my closest friends’ relationships, and have been occasionally envious of them. I watched how they showed the most complicated and controversial emotion, love.

First, there was Emm and Jay. The two expressed their love for each other so publicly and so unashamedly it was sickening! And after a year of nearly spending 24/7 with each other, they still seemed stuck in the “honeymoon” phase. In fact, they said the “love you” words to one another within the first week of dating, so who is to say “love at first sight” doesn’t exist.

Then there was Rach and Tony, a tug-o-war sort of relationship. One always being more needy than the other, and when things seemed to be finally leveling out, suddenly the tide would shift and the other person would do all the needing. Always in love, but always unbalanced, grasping at something too far for them to reach.

In my recent couple encounters, I had met a very unique girl and boy called Stunt Gee and Stunt Bee…for they are stunt performers. The two spent nearly every day together for about two years. They were very private with their affections for one another and acted very practical. During one of my conversations with Stunt Gee, she mentioned how she has never said “I love you” to Stunt Bee and believes very strongly that it shouldn’t be thrown out so easily as most people tend to do. She explained to me her viewpoint on the “love emotion” and felt that it should only be said when you mean it. MEANING you will NEVER take it back. Her opinion on love leaned more on the “forever” aspect of things.

I said to her, “Sometimes it feels I’ll never get there.”

She said, “That’s called a broken heart.”

Which leads to me and my new adventures on exploring relationships again. After surviving a fabulously destructive unrequited love relationship, my emotions on love automatically went into full lockdown. This was all subconscious of course, because I honestly didn’t notice myself locking up. That is, until I met the Terminator. I noticed that with such a nice guy, I felt absolutely nothing and wasn’t doing it on purpose. It took a long conversation with my dad, who apparently went through the same lockdown when he was my age, to help me warm up. So I pushed myself into trying love again, allowing it to happen naturally. It was like getting back in the water after nearly drowning to death. I’d been analyzing my every move and emotional response in an attempt to figure myself out, to see if I even knew what being in love felt like. And when I finally decided that I got it, I collected enough courage to whisper it to the Terminator, who, in turn, remained…silent.

So now, after being jealous of my girlfriends’ relationships, how they were all so quick and eager to profess their love and have it returned, after surviving a horrible relationship where the boy never really loved back, then being surrounded by a couple that didn’t believe in saying “I love you,” I find myself not wanting to be involved in the whole mess.

But there’s no getting away from it, not when you decide to get involved with someone else. So I must learn to love happily without being loved in return. Though it sucks! I’d rather take the detention…but not this time. Time to grow up just a little more.

Had the craziest dream last night…

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

I am visiting Marilyn, my old roommate in Arizona, and Bellie, our kitty, wasn’t really dead, then in L.A. trying desperately to find the Terminator, gave up and met some other actors to do a stunt show in the water with a real great white named Jaws, "Jaws" decided not to cooperate and really try to eat me, not cool, then left the beach to go find Terminator again, ran into a gang of motorcycle dudes from Mad Max, I started shooting them up because they were bad, then they chased me all over Australia, me on my own motorcycle trying desperately to lose them and find my baby and…wife? Yep, I physically turned into Mel Gibson in Mad Max.

The Revolution: Chapter 10 part 1

Christanna Rowader1 Comment

As soon as Lilliya hit the edge of the jungle and was out of the sites of Luke and Ben, she made run for it. Running felt good, felt the wind on her face, felt the branches brush away her tears. Running felt just that—running from her past, from her future, and definitely from her present situation.image

After a mile of pure sprinting, she stopped, winded, but feeling rejuvenated and free. She was deep within the jungle called The Forest of Ood. When the Jedi students created it, as they did with all the other green, blue, and orange planet life not inherit of Ossus, they named the forest jungle after the ancient Great Jedi Master Ood, whose spirit had resided within a tree on Ossus for centuries until Luke came upon it decades back.

Ood’s spirit was only a memory now, remembered by Luke Skywalker and other students of the Academy. And Lilliya had just come to learn about him briefly during one of her long conversations with Forra on the history of Ossus. Now, as she stood leaning up against a tree, alone and deep within the darkening jungle, she imagined what it would be like to talk to a Jedi Master in tree form. She wondered what wise things Ood would tell her.

She wondered when the hell she could get off this planet! Or if she should stay…

Maybe Ben was right, about her not belonging. She knew that was the root of it all. She had his father’s full attention, was his prized, mystery artifact. Ben was cast in the shadow she did not want to create.

But maybe Luke was right. Maybe learning the ways of the Force was something worth while. Just maybe…it would reveal something about herself she desperately needed to know.

Still leaning back against the ominous tree, the sharp edges of its bark gently pressing into her jumpsuit and bare skin, Lilliya watched the tops of the branches sway slightly in the breeze—a breeze she could not feel from where she stood—but felt a subtle warmth spread against her chest bone. Lilliya closed her eyes and soaked in the familiar heat she knew was radiating from her crystal buried underneath the jumpsuit’s shirt. It felt like home for a moment, the peace, the quiet, the movement of the trees and other life forms around her. Although, she noted, it was quieter than she would have expected for a jungle.

And her crystal never glowed for fun.

Lilliya let her eyes slowly open, leaning forward and away from the tree. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a white figure amidst the dark greens and blues of the jungle trees. She turned to look.

Standing just a few meters to her right stood a humanoid-like creature. Very gaunt and very white, it wore no clothing, but its body shivered with every twitch of a muscle. Its mouth hung open slightly revealing nothing back a black gape, and its eyes met hers with an unnerving, unblinking black glare.

It looked like a feral white human.

And it stood very still.

Lilliya didn’t move a muscle. She found that she almost couldn’t. She stood frozen, staring wide-eyed, waiting for it to make a move. She recalled for a second that she didn’t even hear the white humanoid approach in the first place.

It didn’t move. It continued to stare with its wide black eyes, hands hovering beside its hips, long, gangly fingers stretched like claws.

Lilliya thought about trying “hello,” but then already knew its intent. Its malicious stare said it all. Still frozen in place, Lilliya forced herself to unhinge her taut muscle, readying for a run. She was a good runner, at least she had that to be confident about. Her foot shifted about an inch in the other direction, knocking a tiny pebble, barely making a sound.

The white humanoid darted forward in a flash coming straight at her.

Lilliya was so surprised by the speed of the creature that she tripped over her own feet in an attempt to turn and run, falling flat on her back, her legs sticking up in defense.
The humanoid flashed to her side, stopping immediately at her feet, and looked down. Its mouth slowly opened baring silver metal-like teeth, terrifyingly sharp.

Lilliya let out a shout of horror and defiance as she punched her feet into the chest of the white creature, knocking it back a few paces. But it didn’t fall. Lilliya rolled back and onto the balls of her feet, rising slowly in a combat stance.

The creature stood hunched now, fingers clawing the air. The humanoid bared its teeth like an animal.

Lilliya knew she wasn’t prepared to fight something she didn’t know anything about, especially being weaponless. But that was the point of combat training, right?

The thing lurched at her and Lilliya charged, double kicking in the air towards its head. It moved with lightning speed—literally a blur of white—to the left side of her and punched her in the left kidney. She cried in agony and surprise, clutching her left side for an instant. The thing tilted its head to the side as if confused by her scream, then came towards her, mouth wide open.

Lilliya swung her fist up under and to the left of its chin, and felt her fist crack, as if it just contacted with durasteel. She had to bite her lip to swallow another cry. The humanoid retaliated by swinging its white fist towards her temple. This time she ducked and ducked again when the humanoid came for another swing. By the second dodge, she punched it low in the stomach, turning slightly and ramming her elbow into the center of its chest.

It backed away miming a howl. The humanoid made no sound and she faintly realized it hadn’t from the moment it appeared. And then it rushed toward her, another white blur, something she couldn’t even react quick enough too. It punched her square in the chest with a flat hand, but the force was strong enough to send Lilliya flying backwards and smash against a tree. She slid down, tiny blue leaves littering around her, and spat blood.

The humanoid made a sniffing sound and its black eyes widened at the blood on her lips.
Ignoring every ounce of pain coursing through her body, Lilliya jumped up, turned and ran, deciding she was no match for this thing…at least without a weapon. She hoped, at least, that she was going in the right direction toward the Academy grounds. At this point, she really didn’t know.

She ran as fast as her legs could take her for about two minutes before she stopped. She quickly looked behind her. There was nothing but dark jungle, and considering how white that thing was, there was no way it could blend in. Breathing raggedly, she watched behind her to see if anything was coming. She was hoping it was just a random animal born of Ossus that she just happened to accidentally run into…

And then her hopes were lost as something slammed into her from the left, sending her skidding to the ground. Dirt and debris dug into her bare skin and tore open her jumpsuit. She looked up with bleary eyes and saw the white shape of the creature standing above her, perfectly posed for attack. At this point, Lilliya’s mind was out of ideas. She quickly scurried away on all fours, but the humanoid came at her in a flash, shoving her up against a tree, its fingers like ice, gripping her arms.

Lilliya closed her eyes and pushed all of her will into transporting her form from the vice-grip of the creature. She opened her eyes and was disappointed. She was still pinned against the tree, face to face with the humanoid. She thought this would be an ironic way to die. Not in battle, not from a Jedi too lightsaber-happy, and not from Ben Skywalker.

But from an animal lost in the Forest of Ood. Fitting.

It peered at her with its large black eyes. Lilliya could almost see her reflection in them, saw her dirtied face, her resignation, and for a moment, its eyes only seemed curious and gentle. It moved closer, their noses almost touching, and Lilliya cringed. But there was no smell to the humanoid. And no sound.

Interesting, she thought. “So you gonna eat me, or what?” she said, a little surprised she was so casual about the whole thing.

As if to answer her question, the humanoid leaned forward and bit her above the left shoulder.

“Ah!” she screamed in pain, the scream so loud it bounced off the trees and into the distance. The humanoid bit down deeper too, sinking all the way through skin, muscle and nearly to the bone of her shoulder. This made Lilliya’s scream raise in pitch. She wanted to raise her hand to slap it away, but found she couldn’t move. The pain was searing hot, burning through her veins, but that wasn’t why she couldn’t move. She was paralyzed.

Before she could even understand what was happening, the humanoid stood up, blood dripping down its chin, a stark contrast to its blinding white skin, took her by the left arm and started dragging her one-handed.

Lilliya’s ears were ringing and her vision was blurring. She could see the tops of the trees still, even though the sky was darkening towards sunset. She looked up to her captor and wondered vaguely how it was going to end. She couldn’t feel her body being dragged, couldn’t feel its hand grasping hers. She imagined it eating her alive and hoped that this paralysis would keep until the very end. She looked back up towards the sky and smiled, or at least thought she smiled. This was it. Lilliya Starr was done…

***

Something fast and dark flew above and past her, but out of the corner of her eye, she could see a glowing blade. Lilliya glanced up and saw the humanoid’s hand was no longer holding hers. Whatever was happening was happening outside her field of vision. She could barely make out the muddled humming of something powerful, but that was the only sound present. It could have been the ringing in her ears for all she knew.

And she didn’t know how much longer she could stay conscious. The venom that was injected into her was either going to kill her or knock her out to be a convenient dinner for this thing. She had no idea what to expect.

Suddenly she saw the white shape of the humanoid fly past her right, smacking against a tree. And a black boot stepped into her site, a barrier between her and the humanoid.
The humanoid charged in a flash again, coming straight for the person in the boots. But this time, it charged right into the glowing blade of a lightsaber, skewering itself through the center of its chest. It stood still for a second, shivering and twitching, and finally its black eyes rolled white, falling backwards to the ground.

The person in boots moved forward a bit, peering down at the humanoid, making sure it was dead, Lilliya was certain. And then, whoever it was, hurried over to her paralyzed form and knelt down to her.

Lilliya was surprised to find herself looking straight up into the distraught face of Ben Skywalker. She could tell he was trying to check her pulse and see if she was alive, but she couldn’t feel his fingers on her. His mouth moved and it looked like he was saying her name. Lilliya just stared back, feeling the darkness overwhelm her consciousness. And then she was out, the last image in her mind being the anxious blue-green eyes of Ben Skywalker.

“Lilliya!” Ben exclaimed, shaking her limp form in a sad attempt to revive her. He glanced hurriedly at the white form of the humanoid. He was certain it was dead, but it unnerved him that he couldn’t sense the creature in the first place. Just like Lilliya.
His gaze turned back to her pale form and noticed the deep bite mark above her left shoulder. Her eyes were barely open, but she wasn’t responding, though he was confident she would live. Her pulse was slow but steady. He cursed Lilliya for being invisible to the Force. It would be so much easier to monitor her life if she was apart of it somehow. And then he cursed himself.

For everything he knew he’d done wrong.

But there wasn’t time for self-pity. Ben lifted Lilliya into his arms with ease and ran at a Force-sprint back to the Academy. Though he’d denounced the Force in his life, he knew very well how to recall it when necessary. And he was quite aware of the hypocrisy of it all.

I’ve Had a Revelation…

Christanna Rowader4 Comments

…Just recently. While I was talking with my girlfriend Rachel on the phone earlier today, we got on the topic of suicidal thoughts.

...a blast of a second.

NOW DON’T FREAK OUT JUST YET!

She and I confide in each other our deepest dark sides, one of them being our crazy, spur-of-the-moment, suicidal thought-flashes. I call them thought-flashes because…that’s exactly what they are. Flashes shooting from one of end of the brain to the other in the blast of a second.

“Sometimes, while I’m driving,” I say to Rachel, this being nearly a year ago, “and maybe while I’m on a ramp, I have these sudden urges to drive my car off the edge and end it all.”

“Me too!” Rachel exclaims, probably relieved that she wasn’t the only one who had crazy flash-thoughts like that.

Earlier today, we reminisced on these thoughts, and then it occurred to me! I hadn’t had one of those flash-thoughts (at least in the suicidal sense) NOT ONCE since my move to California.

I used to have them consistently throughout my life…and if I am truly honest and look back from when it first started, these dark thoughts arose when I was only a kid in third grade…and had just moved to Arizona with my parents.

Now, granted I was a generally happy kid, with the occasional meltdowns here and there. But there’s nothing really RIGHT about suicidal thoughts. I can’t tell you what inspired them in the first place, but I can tell you they’ve finally disappeared. And that makes me very happy. I now cringe when remembering how I once thought like that, almost feeling like it was a whole ‘nother dimension.

Obviously I couldn’t be happier now that those thoughts have gone. For some people, it takes a person. For others, it takes a place. For me, it’s the place. 🙂