IT’S MY BIRTH…wait for it…………………………………………..

 

A lot of changes have happened over the past months since I last wrote. A lot of mental changes and feelings and other things I can’t quite explain. At first, I thought maybe it was because I was feeling the “three-year itch” being an actress. I’ve gone into turbo mode. I am, for lack of a better word, throwing myself at people as if to say “HEY I’M ALIVE AND VERY TALENTED!!! LET ME PERFORM FOR YOU!!!” Then I thought it was because one of my most favorite movie series was being added on to and it switched on my “I don’t give a crap-fighting for what I want” mode. Star Wars was something I lived in since I was 13. Hell, I’ve even written my own stories to the series! Memorized every line of Luke’s. Wanted to be Luke, AND was in love with him. I even compare the guys I date to Luke Skywalker. THIS, alone, is proof of my obsessive compulsiveness. Or was it the fact that all my past girlfriends were married and having children, and I wasn’t. Or was it…simply…the feeling of the clock…ticking.

My birthday is in a few hours. There were many moments where I felt like I should write, but tonight felt like the right moment.

I have a dog sleeping in my bed right now. Tiny, white and cream colored, with long silk hair, and gentle eyes and a quiet demeanor. I rescued him yesterday. It seems like everyone was having babies…and I produced a dog. I named him Toby Lee Orion, aka (just) Toby. Yeah, so I wanted a little touch of sci-fi to the name, I couldn’t resist. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, though…I’ve never been a “small dog” person. I guess you could blame it on my whimming personality. But I feel there’s something else changing in me.

I mailed George Lucas a letter yesterday as well…AND Kathleen Kennedy AND J.J. Abrams AND Disney. I mailed them because I am THAT desperate to have a chance to audition for Star Wars, I’m starting to feel a little nuts. But I figured I have nothing to lose, because currently in the film world I am pretty close to nothing anyhow, so what better thing to do but send George Lucas and friends a “Hello, you don’t know me, but I love you!” letter…for those of you who don’t know me, the “I love you” part is completely satirical……so I say……

I also have a boyfriend that I can’t admit is a boyfriend because the term freaks me out SO much, I immediately turn off and don’t want him anymore. But as long as he stays in the friend zone, I want him. This may also prove I’ve gone officially nuts, but haven’t seen a professional yet… He’s my Number 1 and he’s my best friend. He’s also my intimate lover. But labels really sit sourly with me…to the point of an upset stomach…to the point of me running like there’s zombies after me. EXACTLY!

My mother asked me recently if my motivation as an actress has been spurred on because of the new Star Wars movies and I told her, “Yes.” As a child, I really wanted to be an astronaut. Truly, I still want to be one, but because my bad eyesight wouldn’t be able to make the cut AND when I was young I didn’t think of myself as smart enough, the dream of being in space was limited to just pretense. But an actor CAN travel space within the mind’s eye. So, yes, I know the new SW movies have become my main motivation in life. There’s nothing I want more. There really really is nothing!

For the first time, I’m taking workshops with casting directors that work for J.J. Abrams, sending out headshots and resumes to people I don’t think would ever even care to look at (that’s why I’ll be sending them out every month Winking smile) , buying my first dog that acts like a fabulous stress reliever, and pulling along a fantastic guy/person because I can’t seem to relax in a committed relationship.

So as a result, I have spent more money this year than I EVER have just to somehow make sense of things in my personal life and catch someone’s attention in the Star Wars world. And every bit of it has felt worth it. Because I know that if I don’t get a chance, at least I can say I didn’t try my all……in BOTH worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to me because I’m a MayDay baby

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Whimming with Shatner

 

 

Ilia’s Theme by Jerry Goldsmith

Shatner: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship, Xanna D, her continuing mission to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no girl has gone before.

THAT’S RIGHT, KIDS! I FINALLY MET WILLIAM SHATNER!!!

First picture with Mr. ShatnerAnd I pretty much nearly died from euphoria.

You all know I am the biggest science-fiction female freak in the entire universe. And if you don’t, then what the heck are you doing reading this blog? I write Star Wars books (that someday I hope to make into a television series), I write sci-fi reviews for movies, I read sci-fi novels, I play sci-fi video games, I have Star Wars posters all over my room, my movie collection consists of 99% sci-fi. Even now I am currently watching ALL the Star Trek series—EPISODES IN ORDER.

Now, I don’t wanna start up a war on who’s more sci-fi-nerdy than the other, but I just wanna prove that I am, indeed, OBSESSED with all things to do with space, truly the final frontier.

To this day I still want to be buried on the moon when I die, or be put in a capsule and shot into space. That would make all my dreams come true.

But, first things first. I met the man himself, Mr. William T. Shatner…sorry, I just had to throw in the T. Forgive me, Bill. Winking smile

Let me just tell you, my life is officially complete. I can die tomorrow and by okay with it.

So let me tell you how it happened…

One day I posted my status on Facebook saying “I still can’t get over William Shatner…sexiest man ever!” Or something like that…

facebook quote

The next morning, I woke up to a Facebook message from a theater friend of mine saying, “You know Shatner’s going to be at my house filming in two weeks, right? Why don’t you come over and just hang out?”

I bolted out of bed and a slew of shocked profanity flew from my mouth. “Are you &*^@$#$&**&%*@ KIDDING ME?!?!”

Of course I said yes. But there was a little voice inside my head saying it’ll never happen, you want this too much. Anytime I really want something, it usually evades me. So I tried to forget about it. Then, a few days before the shoot, my friend contacted me again to remind me to come out. Yeah, sure, okay…

I wanted this so badly I could feel the bad karma finding me.

The day came for me to hang out during the shoot. Also, on that day, I had a scheduled audition later that night. I wondered ironically, How is it that everything happens on the same day?…

I went to my friend’s house around lunch break, ate delicious halibut, gourmet steamed veggies, mashed potatoes, and pineapple slaw, finishing it with Perrier Lemonade. I met most of the crew members, all of them extremely friendly and welcoming. But William Shatner was nowhere to be seen. He was having lunch privately in his room.

A few hours went by and I anxiously kept checking my phone’s time. I was cutting close to when I needed to leave for my audition. The location was two and a half hours away.

I finally came to terms with myself: when will you get another chance to meet William Shatner??? Probably never again. So I decided to sacrifice my audition for Mr. Shatner.

Many hours passed. I got to see Shatner shoot his scenes. I even caught him glancing at me sideways, which thrilled me to the bone. I smiled at him and he smiled back. He seemed like such a nice person, pleasant and good humored. He laughed with the filming crew and his voice was a deep bass, husky and sweet.

Finally, they wrapped at 5pm. I knew I had missed my opportunity to audition at this point, considering my scheduled time was 6:30pm…again, two and a half hours away.

But then I finally got to meet Mr. Shatner. Handsome, charming, gentle and polite, he was. Smile

I got my first picture with him, in which I very much noticed how strong a grip he had around my waist. More thrills to my bone.

But when I checked my camera to see how it turned out, I noticed he blinked.

Oh no, I need another! I thought. I had to have a perfect picture. Who knew when I had another chance like this?

Finally I worked up the nerve to ask him again.

“Mr. Shatner?” I said meekly. “Is it okay if I have another picture of you?”

And he said, with his deep bassoon-like voice, “Well, it depends on with whom?”

And I said, “Well, with me.”

“Well then, get over here,” he said, smiling with arms wide open.

With that, I nearly died, falling into his arms and into the stars of the universe.

Mr. Shatner and me

I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I was. I was beaming the rest of the day and more. I have had so much admiration and respect for this man. I’d seen things he’d done even before the Star Trek series aired, aka Thriller’s Grim Reaper, which is one of the most frightening episodes I’ve ever seen. This was mostly due to William Shatner’s performance, selling the horrific image of the Reaper purely through facial expression (you never got to see the actual Reaper) as Shatner went to his death.

After the picture was taken, I said, “It was truly a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Shatner. Really a pleasure.”

He smiled and said, “No, no. It was a pleasure for me.” Which, of course, made me blush as red as my jacket and I had to escape. So I nodded, smiled and walked away.

I said goodbye to the film crew that I had mingled with for hours, thanked my friend for inviting me out to enjoy the day with them, and made my way to my car.

“We’ll see you next week, right?” Shatner’s assistant called out to me.

I turned, startled. “What do you mean?”

“You’re coming back next week?” she repeated.

I looked at my friend, confused and not sure what to say. My friend nodded and smiled encouragingly.

“Is that allowed?” I asked finally, turning to the assistant.

She said, “Of course!” Then she leaned in closer, saying, “Trust me, all the guys here want to see you again,” and winked.

I was tempted to say, Does that include Bill?, but I knew better. The man was spoken for, of course.

In any case, being invited to hang out with the crew is a big enough thrill for me to not turn down. How could I say no? And besides, I’m a whimmer. And that’s what whimmers do.

And so begins another whimming adventure. In a galaxy far, far away…oh wait.

 

P.S. I DID make my audition later that night, only I was an hour and a half late. I decided to go anyway for the hell of it. I ended up getting a callback for Sweeney Todd. Smile

Stargirl: part 2

 

Superman Returns by John Ottman

Listen while you read.

stargirl

I left Earth once.

I was sixteen years old and I was standing on Endor’s fourth moon, surrounded by the dark jungle of giant trees, smelling the damp earth rise from beneath my shoes, and the warm air, still and clingy, engulfing me as I watched Luke finish building the fire pit. He didn’t want help when I offered.

In the distance, I could hear the Ewok and Rebel Alliance celebration: singing, cheering, the clanging of instruments.

I was still in my shimmery red gown, smelling of burnt skin and silk. My flesh felt like it was pulled so tightly over my frame that if I dared to move, it would split and spill my insides out.

Luke didn’t seem to notice his similar injuries. He had finished the fire grave and was levitating his father’s body on top. And then he lit it with a torch. Fire enveloped the wood and soon Darth Vader’s body, the terror of the galaxy, his ashes floating up into the sky.

Luke stood watching in solemn silence. I moved to stand next to him. He didn’t seem to notice me there. I felt his sadness, but beneath it was a sense of hope. It was finally over. And he hadn’t failed. He saved the only father he’d ever known to have, even if their reconciliation lasted for only a few minutes. There was hope still, for him, Leia, Han, and the Alliance. Where they would go from here, who knew?

“I’ll be leaving soon after the celebration,” I said quietly. I had decided my time in this universe had ended. But Luke wouldn’t know that. He would only think I was to disappear somewhere in his galaxy. It didn’t matter what he thought, after all. My adventure—my experience—was over. I had learned what it was like to be outside my world and that I couldn’t change the things to come.

“I’m sorry—“ but that’s all I could make out. What I was going to say sounded stupid and pointless. He won’t care that I tricked him into thinking I was someone else (and I really was someone else anyhow) because he wouldn’t remember me after I left.

I looked at him, his melancholy profile shadowed in firelight. He didn’t look back. This was as close as I’d ever be. And he hated me. I didn’t sense it, so to speak, but I might as well have guessed it.

Without another word, I turned and left Luke alone in the red-orange firelight and returned to the Ewok village. I wanted to feel what the others felt (joy, love, real happiness) before I left.

The celebration was wild and jumping. The bearlike Ewoks singing in a language I could not understand, but it felt like victory words. Leia, Han, the Wookie Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian all gathered in a tight circle, laughing, embracing. Wedge Antilles and the other Rogue Squadron pilots stood off to another side, clapping each other’s backs, playfully pushing each other around. They paid no attention to the girl in the red dress, obviously overdressed and sticking out like a warning beacon in the midst of browns, greens and greys. They didn’t care. The battle was won. But the Empire wasn’t beaten yet. It still had control of the capitol planet, Coruscant, and it was the Alliance’s job to overtake it. That would happen on another day, though.

Tonight, they drank, ate, and cheered each other and their survival.

I stood off to the side, watching in wonderment. R2-D2, the silver and blue astromech droid, bumped into my leg. I glanced down and smiled. R2 tweeted and cooed at me, and remained at my side.

“Luke!” I heard Han call out.

And there he was, smiling and embracing his sister Leia, coming in for another by Han Solo. Everyone gathered around Luke, relief flooding through those who hadn’t known if Luke had survived the destruction or not.

It was time, I thought. I turned away, but then in front of me, flickering into view were the soft white-blue silhouettes of Ben Kenobi, Yoda, and then, finally, Anakin Skywalker. They were looking right at me, smiling. I thought they wouldn’t have recognized me, but somehow they knew who I was.

Then I noticed Luke standing directly beside me. I hadn’t even realized it until he turned to smile at me. All the hurt was gone. He seemed more at peace now.

“Where will you be going?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, although I knew exactly where I was going. “Somewhere away from all of this. To start a new life, I suppose. The Empire will think their only other rightful heir was also killed in the destruction of the Death Star. The Moffs will be fighting for power. It’ll be the perfect time for me to disappear.”

Luke nodded slowly, then said, “You could stay here, with the Alliance. They could use someone with your knowledge. It will definitely help the tide of the war.”

I shook my head no. “I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. If I were discovered alive…well, let’s just say the Moffs won’t stop to try to kill me and anyone near me.”

Luke then turned me to face him, his blue eyes full of sincerity and confidence. “You are now exactly how I met you. Alone, your family killed. If you stay with us, you’ll have somewhere to be. You can start again. Think about it, Christalee. And if you still don’t think it’s a good idea, you can always leave any time you want.”

I wanted to stay, more than anything. Looking into his ocean-blue eyes, I felt suddenly like I belonged, that this was where I was meant to be…maybe…possibly. I smiled and Luke embraced me in a warm hug.

“Come on,” he said brightly, “I’ll introduce you to Leia and Han.”

***

I decided to try it for a couple of days, to see how long I could stay in this universe. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and before I knew it, I was apart of a culture I only ever dreamed of. Luke and I had agreed to keep my identity as the Imperial Princess a secret, even to Leia and Han. I became a Rogue Squadron leader, fighting alongside Wedge Antilles, helping break through the security defenses of Corsucant and fighting the Empire into a little corner of the galaxy. This took years, of course, and before I knew it, I was in my late twenties. I had helped bring up the New Republic after the Empire had been finally beaten. I became Leia’s personal aide and guard when she became Chief of State. When I wasn’t with Leia, I was with Luke, helping him create the Jedi Academy. There were many times when I tried to leave, or when I thought it was a “good idea” to leave. Luke and I would have an argument about his decisions. I would tell him not to do something, or not to trust somebody, and he would fight with me on my reasons. Those reasons being because I couldn’t give him one. I couldn’t tell him how I knew certain things were to happen because I would give away my real identity: which was that I didn’t belong there.

I knew bits and pieces of the future, but it didn’t help. I would save Luke’s life in extremely impossible situations, and he’d wonder how I did it. It pained me that I couldn’t let him know who I really was, or how I was able to seem invincible. And I wondered on that too, how I was able to have nearly unlimited power. The longer I stayed in Skywalker’s world, the more powerful and knowledgeable I became. I slowly began to forget home, becoming fully integrated into this other world.

Before long I was in my thirties. Luke and I had become very close friends, but there was something else. There was romance somewhere, but we both buried it far below. I knew Luke was afraid to let anything more happen between us because of his bad luck with women (every romantic relationship he’d ever had either ended up in betrayal of the worst kind: assassination attempts, death, or mysterious disappearances). I was afraid because I knew I’d have to leave someday.

Luke and I were two of a handful of Jedi Masters at this point, with an academy going strong. Leia and Han had been married and had three children who attended the academy. I was still involved in the political affairs of the New Republic, splitting my time between the Jedi Academy and the capitol. Lando wanted to sweep me off my feet, much to Luke’s annoyance, and I let him take me out on a few wild space nights. Nothing that amounted to anything but a good friendship in the end.

By the time I was in my late thirties almost forties, I had resigned as a personal aide, left the academy temporarily to embark on some “legal” smuggling missions with Mara Jade and Talon Karrde. A year flew by and I had been out of touch with Luke, Leia, and Han. Then a rescue mission forced Luke and I back together. That was when we had decided to forget about our inhibitions (that made no sense anyhow!) and allow ourselves to grow into more than just “close friends.” This rescue mission had me nearly drowning in cave of water when Luke openly cried out, “I love you.”

I found it to be perfect timing.

In all this time, I had been kidnapped, tortured, stabbed, brainwashed, seduced, shot, enslaved, hunted, and exiled.

And in all this, I had fallen in love.

Then the Yuuzhan Vong came, an alien race from another galaxy that existed outside of the Force, and they nearly wiped out our civilization, changing our planets to adapt to their lifestyle. The darkest years of our lives painfully crept by. Every day knowing you survived was a day to be grateful. But then you feared to sleep. Leia lost her youngest son to the Vong. Chewbacca was also lost. Jacen, Leia’s oldest son, and I were captured during a near-fail mission to eradicate one of the Vong’s most brutal weapons to the Jedi: acid spitting wolf-like creatures undetectable by the Force. Jacen was tortured, but after a year, he escaped. I was tortured as well, and became the plaything for the fleet commander Warmaster Tsavong Lah. He was fascinated by the Jedi and the “magic” we could wield. So he kept me as a pet on a leash. I eventually escaped, stabbing the warmaster straight through the heart with his own amphistaff.

Through the years of fighting for our lives, our homes, our planets, Luke and I had a child: a boy we named Ben. I couldn’t believe it! I had a little boy with little blue eyes and a little nose and a little mouth, little feet, hands, toes and fingers.

I never felt anything like it. The feeling of overwhelming love. The connection I felt with him through the Force was unimaginable. He was my child. Every day was a wonder—and a nightmare, because the war hadn’t ended yet. An animalistic side in me grew when I fought against the Vong. I wanted to wipe them out, one by one, so that my baby could grow up in a safer place. I refused to lose my child the way Leia lost hers.

Suddenly the tides had turned, and we finally had the upper hand. After finding a solution between our two peoples, that solution being a living planet called Zonama Sekot, which seemed to be a portion of their homeworld, a wary peace finally spread across the galaxy.

Sitting across from my child playing in our apartment on Ossus, the new home for the Jedi Academy, I watched him attempt to levitate a ball off the floor. He was barely two years old. It reminded me of when I was two years, sitting next to my cousin, fighting over a doll she thought best to pull away from me. My mother surprising both of us. I froze, thinking I was in trouble for “not sharing.” But then my mother pulled out a camera and flashed us with a bright light. Just a picture. She only wanted a picture. So I’m not in trouble after all—

Mother? What mother? I was grown in a tube. —No you weren’t, you were grown in a womb.

I sat, watching my son lift the ball successfully into the air, smiling and giggling as he let it bounce back to the floor.

“I could never do that at two,” I said to Ben, smiling. Ben looked over to me, a wide smile spreading across his face, a few baby teeth glistening in the pale yellow sunlight which flooded the room from the large viewport.

“Momma!” he burst, then crawled towards where his ball rolled away to.

Of course you couldn’t at two because there is no such thing as the Force where you’re from.

I frowned. Where am I from? Coruscant. No. Corellia. No!

I was forty-six years old, with a two year-old child, and—No you’re not! You are not forty-six. Forty-four? No. Forty? No!

Well then WHAT AM I ???

I sat in silence. Ben was staring at me, a tiny little crease indenting his forehead. His big blue eyes showed worry. I gasped in air suddenly, realizing I had not been breathing for a handful amount of seconds, and tears began to burn my eyes. I’m not from here.

“Ben—“ But I stopped, my throat closing in on me. I already knew what needed to be done. I had stayed too long, far too long. I took Ben into my arms, pressing him tightly against my chest, and rushed to a neighboring apartment, one where Ben had spent many nights when Luke and I were away on missions.

Corran Horn’s son, Valin answered the door. Valin was a Jedi Knight. I told him I had to find Master Skywalker quickly and that it was very important. Ben’s little fingers gripped my shirt-blouse and wrapped into my long golden blonde hair. When I tried to place Ben in Valin’s arms, he pulled a part of me with him.

“Mommy,” he called out. He could sense my despair and knew something was wrong. His tiny fingers reached out for me. Valin held Ben tightly, but was becoming worried himself. Valin must have been only thirteen or fourteen.

OR MAYBE SIXTEEN!!!

“No!” I barked. And I realized I made Valin jump away, scaring Ben too. “I’m sorry, Valin. I’m sorry, Ben. It’ll be okay,” I said. My eyes began to burn again. “Valin, I want you to contact Mara Jade quickly. Tell her that—“ My throat closed again. I swallowed a couple of times until it cleared somewhat. “Tell her that I need her to watch over my son.”

I turned away as fast as I could before the look on Ben’s desperate, round face changed my mind. I had to go home. I felt something was wrong there. I had to get back to my family, to my life that I once knew, but couldn’t seem to remember too well.

You don’t belong here. You never have…

I kept going, even as I heard Ben crying for me to come back, and made my way to my ship, the Starfire. From there I sent Luke an urgent message with coordinates for a meeting place.

When I finally arrived on the Sanctuary Moon of Endor, I landed my ship in a field clearing. Exiting the Starfire, I walked up to a hill that looked over into a valley of forest. The breeze was cooler for Endor this time of year. I could still hear the distant tribal hunting calls of the Ewok, the smaller, more subtle clicks of the insects, and the rustle of leaves and creaking tree trunks as the wind played gently through them.

“You know I can feel your panic from thousands of kilometers away,” Luke said from behind me. “’Urgent’ message is rather redundant, don’t you think?”

I smiled. He was nervous. He knew I was thinking of doing something. I could barely hide anything from him these days—these years!

“Where are you going, Christalee?” he said. He was now directly behind me. I could feel his warmth radiate off of him. And I was going to have to give this up?

I turned slowly to look at him, his deep blue eyes accented by subtle creases of age, his mouth bent into a soft smile, but there was tension behind it.

“You know how you’ve always wanted to know how I know things?” I started. “Things that I knew would happen and did happen. And I said to you that I couldn’t tell you. It used to drive you crazy.”

“Yes,” he nodded, still smiling. “I remember. And I decided to stop pressing you about it because I figured eventually you would tell me.” He pulled me in close, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Is this that time?”

I looked up into his eyes, my throat constricting on me again. I swallowed hard, my face hardening as I did so.

Luke’s smile melted away. But his body stayed calm, no twitching of nervous muscles, and he kept a solid grip around my waist.

“Yes,” I barely made out. I cleared my throat again. “Yes, this is that time.”

Luke stayed silent.

“I am not who you think I am,” I continued, and as I spoke, I slowly slipped from Luke’s embrace. “I wasn’t supposed to be here this long.”

Luke kept quiet, but I could see the multitude of questions forming on his face.

“The night we met on Endor was supposed to be it,” I said. “But I stayed because I wanted to know what it was like to be a part of this—your—world. The longer I stayed, the harder it was to leave. I fell in love with this place. And I fell in love with you. And it seemed as if everything was okay here, that I was allowed to be here. I forgot about where I came from and the life that I had had. I made a life with you. With Leia and Han. Chewie and Lando. I didn’t want to let it go.

“But the longer I stayed here, the more my world fell away. My world is in danger now and I have to go back. I have to help save it.”

Luke was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand,” he said. “What world? What danger? Let me come with you to help you—“

“No, that’s the thing, you can’t,” I said, and a sudden serenity fell over me, even as I saw the panic grow in Luke’s deep blue eyes. “Where I’m going, you can’t follow. Our two universes can never meet.

“Let me show you who I really am.” I took a step back and a white-gold shimmer haloed around my body. My face, lined with the same age as Luke’s, dissolved into my younger self, and the jumpsuit I wore was replaced by jeans and a simple t-shirt. Then I pointed towards an empty spot on the hill. White light shot from my fingers and opened up a portal. Inside the portal was, at first, black with stars, then, rising into view, my home planet.

Luke stood in completely awe, watching a blue and green planet merge into view on the other side of the portal.

“This is where I’m from,” I said, wistfully watching as the image moved past the planet’s atmosphere, through thick white clouds, racing over the blue-black oceans, reaching city-scape, forests, rolling dunes, deserts, mountains, and then—

“My home,” I said, as a medium-sized house flew into view. “I’m from Earth.” I turned to Luke.

He stood there, unable to move, a deeply sad understanding sinking onto his visage.

“And I can’t come with you,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

I shook my head no. “It’s too far away from here,” I said. “Luke, I never belonged in your universe. I have to go back and save my world.”

“Don’t do it,” he said suddenly, moving forward ever so slightly, as if afraid one more step would make me run. “Don’t leave us. You can’t.”

I went to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, knowing that this was it, that this was my last chance to feel this, before it all went away.

“Luke, when I leave…” my voice trailed off. I cleared my throat. “After I leave, you won’t remember this.”

“No, you can’t—“

“You won’t remember anything and all will be as it should be,” I said firmly. “The way it was meant to be. But I will always love you. Know that.” I choked and my eyes burned so hotly that I couldn’t stop the tears this time.

“You and Ben will always feel loved,” I continued brokenly, “even if you don’t know where it’s coming from.”

“Don’t…” And then I kissed him before he could try to say anymore. I knew this was my last chance, my last kiss, my last moment to feel this way, before reality sucked me into the portal. It was beyond anything I could imagine, this feeling. Kidnapped, tortured, stabbed, brainwashed, seduced, shot, enslaved, hunted, exiled, and loved.

And loved back.

I broke the connection. I stepped towards the portal. My home was in there. The sun was shining bright in both worlds. The wind picked up, a burst of pine rode with it, and it was even cooler this time in my Earthling t-shirt. I looked back at Luke one last time before stepping through. Clad, still, in all black, his lightsaber dangling at his side, his brown hair ruffled by the wind, and his blue eyes glittering brightly in the sunlight.

“Christanna,” he said. How did he know my real name? “Will you remember?”

I smiled. “I’ll remember everything.” I stepped through the portal.

***

I was back.

I was nineteen years old. I stood standing in the gravel outside my parents’ house. Time had passed by, but not a lot. The sun beat hotly on my skin and I felt a trickle of sweat trail down my spine.

“Mom? Dad?” I called out. No one was home yet. That was usual. I wondered if they even knew I was gone. That I went to the stars and back.

I looked behind me where the portal had been. There was no trace of it. As if it never happened. But I remembered everything.

Sweat built up on my brow, I made myself move towards my parents’ house and go inside—shut the door—waited for them to come home—and never looked back.

But, every once in a while, I’d look up.

Stargirl

 

 

Superman Returns by John Ottman

Listen while you read.

stargirl

I left Earth once.

I was sixteen years old, home alone, watching Return of the Jedi. It was dusk, and I knew I would have the house to myself again, a medium-sized house in the middle of a mountain pass surrounded by nothing but forest and brush, all half dead and dried-out. I spent most of my hours alone in the Family Room, marathoning movies like Aliens and Star Wars until I’d had the entire series memorized.

This night felt different. My attention was split between the television screen (Luke, Leia, and Han entering the Sanctuary Moon of Endor’s atmosphere) and the red sun sinking behind the mountainous terrain outside my window. A blanket of star-studded black inked out the red sky. Luke and Han were being held hostage by the Ewoks. I felt a wave of yearning like little pinpricks across my skin. How I wanted so much to be apart of something else, to live in a different world and time, to travel beyond the mountains and the moon and the stars.

I blinked my attention back on the screen. Threepio just assisted in the release of Han and Luke’s capture, and Leia came out greeting them both. Blink—the sky was fully black with only half of the moon reflecting a soft silver light. If I wanted, I could go there. But I would have to do it now. This was my only chance.

I took a deep breath, looked back at the television screen, Luke and Leia were just discovering each other’s familial relationship, and I blinked hard.

I kept my eyes shut. A warm breeze floated by and the sound of night animals echoed in the distance. It smelled like pine and rich green lush, damp, with a hint of earth.

I opened my eyes. I was surrounded by trees, their tops disappearing in the darkness above. Distant stars glittered faintly through the thick foliage at the top, and the animal sounds became more distinct. They were the creatures called Ewoks, their tribal calls echoing throughout the jungle of giant tree trunks.

I shivered slightly, despite the warm air. I glanced down. My clothes had changed. I wore only a crude leather skirt and top, two pieces that barely covered me, and I wore sandals made of simple flatwood and string. The entire outfit looked to be more Ewokish than human, but big enough to be fitted onto me.

Why was I here?

Oh yes! I remembered. I was sent down to Endor by my father, the Emperor. I was on a secret mission, that’s right! To make certain that Vader did not betray my father and join Luke Skywalker in a revolt. I had to make sure that Vader took Skywalker to the Death Star and that he was brought before my father, so that, in the end, Skywalker and my father could negotiate a way of peace and end the war between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance. I knew that Luke was Vader’s son and so did my father. If Luke could be persuaded, the rest of the Alliance would follow.

Of course, I knew the truth. I knew the Emperor wanted Luke to join the Dark Side of the Force and that my “father” was evil. But I was here now. I had to play along, otherwise they would all discover I didn’t belong.

I heard footsteps suddenly, off to my right and further down a bit. It was Luke Skywalker, fully dressed in a black jumpsuit, lightsaber hanging by his side. He was moving towards the direction of the Imperial shield generator.

I couldn’t believe it! It was really him!

I moved to follow, quickly in order to catch up. I only made it a few steps before Luke whirled on me, his right gloved hand trying hard not to rip at his lightsaber. He was, after all, preparing to surrender to the Imperial forces.

Surprise washed over his sullen face, his blue eyes glistening in the dark. “Who are you?” he demanded.

I paused. Who was I, after all? I had to think up a name fast. Lee, Chris, Lilliya (no, that’s another story!) Christalee!

“I am Christalee,” I said. I was elated. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. It took all my willpower to keep myself from springing around in some sort of wild ecstasy. Focus, Christalee, or else Luke will become suspicious and I will lose this chance! “I am with the Ewok tribe,” I lied, grimacing at my pathetic excuse. I should have rehearsed something before… “I followed you here because I overheard that you were going to the shield generator—to turn yourself in.”

“That is true,” he said, cautiously. But he said no more, starring at me in bewilderment, probably wondering why he hadn’t sensed me following him.

“You shouldn’t go.” What?! Of course he should.

“I don’t know you,” he said, coming a step closer. “But I think it would be best if you returned to the village.”

“If you’re going to the generator, I’m coming with. You’ll need someone at your back,” I said.

His mouth twitched into a wry smile. “Thank you for your concern, Christalee,” he said, shaking his head. “But what I’m doing must be done alone. Go back to the village. It’s safer there.”

He turned and continued steadily towards the shield generator. I followed (and I couldn’t believe that I was following!).

Luke stopped and turned around. “I’m very serious,” he said. “Please go back to the village. I won’t be able to protect you.”

“I’m not the one needing protection,” I said. “The Empire killed my family, Luke. I have nothing left. My decision here is my own and if I choose to follow you, so that I might have a purpose in life, to face the dangers with you, to fight next to you, that is my choice.” As the words tumbled from my mouth, I was astounded. My lie was getting better and better!

Luke stood there, struggling to argue back, but the expression on his face said that he felt pity. There was nothing he could argue against what I said, because he was that person too.

“I don’t know why you want to do this,” Luke said. “But I guess I can’t stop you. Remember, I won’t be able to protect you.” With that, his face fell sad, and he turned to continue towards the generator.

And I followed. I followed Luke Skywalker, the man with the green lightsaber. My adventure was beginning.

It all happened so quickly. Once we reached the perimeter, we were surrounded by Imperial troops. They shackled Luke and me, taking us into the base. There, Vader stormed in with his usual stride. I felt his surprise when he looked upon me (that’s right! I now had the Force). He recognized me and ultimately knew I was there to watch him. He gestured for the stormtroopers to take me into the shuttle, leaving himself and Luke alone for a minute.

As I sat inside the shuttle waiting, I could sense Luke’s struggle to convince his father to turn good again. The writhing battle of emotions: anger, sadness, and a strange hint of betrayal, all came at me in one blow. I choked, a wave of dizziness coming over me, and I fought back the urge to cry. I had to figure this Force stuff out fast before it overwhelmed me; it obviously took me by surprise that I had any connection at all.

But of course I did! I was the daughter of the Emperor, genetically engineered to be the strongest human in the Force. I had been bred in a tube, injected with midichlorians every growth cycle. I was one of many, but the only human to have developed successfully. All the others were terminated.

Soon, Luke joined me in the shuttle, Vader following a few minutes later. We took off for the Death Star.

Luke didn’t speak the whole trip. But I knew what he was thinking: that this was either the end or the beginning, that he might be on his way to die, that he would fail and the Alliance would fail…that this girl next to him might die too.

When we reached the moon-sized space station, Luke and I were separated. However, my experience was quite different. Everyone recognized me and stiffened noticeably when I walked by. I pulled an android aside to escort me to my quarters (because I had no idea my way around this station!) The android took me without question. (It’s all here, it’s all real!)

As soon as I changed into something more regal, a shimmery red gown, the material fitting around my sixteen year-old body in a way more appropriate for adults, I made my way to the Throne Room. I knew Luke and Vader would be there already, and I had no trouble finding this place. I reached out for Luke and found him. I also caught a glimpse of my so-called “father.” My skin crawled at the vast darkness I sensed in him. It was as if there was a deep, black hole in which something with teeth lurked, and if I got too close, it would grab me and drag me down to eat me.

I arrived at the Throne Room.

“Ah, my child,” the Emperor said, his voice drawing a shiver up my back. “Join us. We were just discussing the future of the galaxy.”

I made my way up the black, metal stairs, glancing at Vader who did not acknowledge me, glancing at Luke, whose eyes were full of accusation and shock as he stared me down, and then I finally dared to meet the Emperor’s burning gaze.

He smiled. Not a nice smile. It was full of evil and contempt, power and murderous desire. Pale light glinted off his rotten teeth. I repressed a shudder.

I stood by the left of my father’s chair. Vader was on the right. He hated me. I could sense it. Luke almost hated me too. It occurred to me that my father wanted this, so that I could assist in the turning of Luke to the dark side.

Luke gave me one more disdainful look before turning back to the viewport. Out in space, the battle was raging between Imperial and Alliance ships.

“…now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!” I heard my father say.

And then it started. A few more taunts and Luke was ripping his lightsaber off the Emperor’s chair, swinging. I cried out, No!, before I even realized it. And Vader interjected his red blade to block Luke’s green one.

They fought. The Emperor laughed. I stood helpless. There was an uncontrollable urge to run out there and stop them, father and son, from cutting each other down. Then Luke yielded, briefly, flying up to one of the higher-up walkways. Vader let loose his blade, vibrant red slicing neatly through black metal, sparks flying, and Luke’s platform crashed with him on it.

I moved forward instinctually, but the Emperor grabbed my wrist—knobby, cold fingers wrapping like an iron shackle.

“Wait, my child,” he murmured, his voice like a whispery husk.

I could feel Luke’s fear and pain and hopelessness. He was failing. And I couldn’t help him. And then a sudden rage built up from beneath the Throne Room’s floor where Luke was hiding and Vader was hunting. The rage was followed by a scream so strong it cut through the air as hot as a laser from a lightsaber: the word Never!

And then Vader was being overthrown by Luke wildly swinging his saber in every direction. One blow after another blow. Until Vader fell to his side against one of the bottomless shaft’s rail guards. Another blow, swing, crash, slice—Luke sheared through Vader’s right hand, it and the red lightsaber disappearing down the shaft. Luke pointed the tip of his green blade beneath Vader’s mask.

The Emperor laughed. “Good,” he said. “Good.”

Then something happened. Luke stopped, looked at his right hand, then disengaged his lightsaber. “I’ll never turn to the dark side,” he said. “You failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi. Like my father before me.”

Silence. I watched my father carefully, who had moved ever so slightly down the metal stairs towards Skywalker. But he was perfectly still. And I felt it—what was coming. An unstoppable wave, dark and suffocating. I knew that if Luke didn’t join my father, he was to be killed.

“So be it,” the Emperor said. “Jedi.”

“No!” I screamed out, flying forward to intersect the arcs of lightning that shot out from my father’s fingers.

I crashed right into Luke, knocking us both down in writhing electrical spasms.

The Emperor’s golden, burning gaze stared at me in horror. Then anger. Then a strange mix of serenity and control reflected in his eyes. “My child,” he said. “You too, then, shall die.”

Luke and I lay there waiting for the coming blow. It came all too quickly, the flesh burning under the arcs of electricity. We couldn’t help but cry out in response. Seconds passed like hours, it seemed, and death couldn’t be any slower. The Emperor would stop and start and stop again just to torture us with words of victory.

And all Vader did was watch. But through all the painful spasms, lightning licking at my limbs, crawling up my skull and injecting my eye sockets with fiery needles, I could sense in Vader his own torment. His sudden sense of doubt.

I thought I heard Luke scream out Father!, but I couldn’t be sure. I was deaf from the pounding in my head. So I yelled out, “Vader! Do something!” My teeth clamped back down together in another violent wave of convulsions.

Suddenly, I heard a new voice join the screaming, an old man’s scream, and the burning ceased. I looked up and saw Vader carrying the Emperor—my father—towards the shaft. Lightning crackled down my father and into Vader. And then he released, throwing my father down the shaft, screaming all the way. A few seconds later, a blue energy erupted from the hole of the shaft. Vader collapsed. And my father, the Emperor, was dead.

Luke was next to me, watching too. He glanced at me, gasping for breath, and then forced himself up to cradle his own father, the father he never knew, and would never know. I watched, stunned, my skin smoking. It smelled like charred meat and metal.

After what seemed like the longest minutes of our lives, we were able to get to our feet, sling Vader’s arms about our shoulders and carry him to a shuttle. The Death Star was about to explode, the evacuate sirens were blaring. Luke and I collapsed at the shuttle’s lip. I ran inside to start up the engines. I don’t know how I knew, but things were starting to just come to me, as if I’d known all along. By the time the engines were warm enough to take off, Vader had died and Luke was dragging his father’s corpse onto the ship.

Metal beams and platforms were crashing all around the shuttle as it slowly lifted off the floor. A fireball followed closely behind us as we left the landing bay. Luke and I both gasped in relief. The Death Star exploded in a glittering firework frenzy behind us. And we rode the trip back down to the Sanctuary Moon of Endor in silence.

—TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2—

The Revolution: Chapter 10 part 2

Luke stood at the edge of the forest, sensing Ben’s fear, but couldn’t understand the meaning of it. It didn’t make sense for Ben to fear Lilliya unless she had turned on him violently. And then the possibility hit Luke like bolt of hard energy. Maybe Lilliya was the alien imposter he and Leia surmised she could be. image

Luke’s hand automatically drifted to the hilt of his lightsaber as he was vaguely aware of other Jedi gathering a few meters behind him. Maybe they felt Ben’s fear too. Ben hadn’t expressed fear since the death of Jacen, so feeling it ripple through the Force was shocking.

But before Luke decided to run in there after him, Ben’s figure finally broke free of the dark jungle. And in his arms was an unconscious Lilliya, sickly white with an odd tinge of blue.

“She was attacked!” Ben answered the unasked questions of his father and the other Jedi behind him. “About seventeen hundred meters from here. I killed the attacker, but left the body.”

Still refusing to use levitation to carry it with you, I see, Luke thought. “Sori, C’obin, retrieve the attacker’s body and bring it to the science lab,” Luke gestured to the two Jedi Falleen standing side by side. Without a word, they unhooked their lightsabers and disappeared into the jungle in the direction Ben instructed.

Ben looked very worried as he approached his father with Lilliya cradled.

“I can’t tell if she’s dying or if she‘s already dead,” Ben spoke quietly so the other remaining curious Jedi didn’t hear.

Luke observed the main wound, a deep bite mark, on her shoulder. The bleeding had stopped and it was already blackening over. She didn’t look like she was breathing.

“Let’s get her to the infirmary,” Luke said, eyes tight with concern. “I’ll call Uhala to see what she can do.”

Uhala was the leading Jedi Healer on Ossus and had brought many of those near death back to perfect health. She was also the first-ever Chiss to be a Jedi Master. Luke wasn’t sure how she could handle someone invisible to the Force, but there wasn’t much of a choice at this point.

Ben laid Lilliya down on the white bed. Uhala was already there wrapping herself in sterile robes. Luke stood outside speaking quietly into his comlink.

“How bad?” Ben asked as Uhala scanned her.

Her blue skin glowed under the bright lights and her red eyes flickered at Ben briefly before settling down on Lilliya’s bite wound.

“Scans say she is alive, but the venom inside her has paralyzed all functions,” Uhala said, her tone betraying no emotion. “It won’t be hard to extract the venom from her body. She should be fine, as far as I can tell with just these instruments.” Uhala gently probed the wound with a gloved finger. “Fascinating…” she murmured.

“What?” Ben said anxiously, glancing from Luke standing outside deep in conversation and Lilliya’s paralyzed form.

“This wound seems to already be healing itself. I will sterilize it anyway,” Uhala shrugged as she gathered solution and dressings to wrap the bite mark with.

Ben gazed down at Lilliya’s shoulder and noticed how drastically it had healed. When he had found her, the shoulder was oozing blood. The wound was not only scabbed up, but the skin around it was no longer inflamed or bruised.

“Is that also bad?” Ben asked, feeling like an amateur with this medical stuff.

Uhala shrugged again, barely glancing in Ben’s direction as she began to wrap the wound. She grabbed another needle-like instrument and began to hook Lilliya up with a computer. “This will detect the venom from the blood and extract it from the body,” she said and Ben knew she was just humoring him. Uhala never spoke unless she really had to, but she could sense his unease. He was nervous about Lilliya dying because he felt guilty. And this irritated him because he didn’t want to feel guilt.

“Sori and C’obin found your attacker,” Luke said suddenly as he walked into the med room. “They have it in the science lab and are examining it now. I want to see this thing. We can leave Lilliya here with Uhala.”

Uhala nodded in confirmation. Ben seemed strangely reluctant to move away from Lilliya’s bedside, but followed Luke out anyway.

The two Skywalkers walked side by side silently down the long corridor then through a metal doorway into the labs.

Sori and C’obin stood around a dissecting table with the strange white humanoid already being disassembled. Luke and Ben stood on opposite sides of the table as the green-skinned Falleen Jedi stopped their work.

“I was worried because I couldn’t sense Lilliya in danger,” Ben explained without being asked. “It was only when I heard her scream that I could detect where she was. I couldn’t sense whatever this thing is either.”

“Master Skywalker, may I explain,” Sori, the female Falleen, spoke.
Luke nodded.

“It is an android, built to look and feel like an organic humanoid,” Sori said. “Not so different from our own organic droids, but it’s tissue isn’t registered in any of our droid banks. Although the computer is still scanning its origin, all of our organically manufactured tissues are registered within the droid marketing corporations including black market droid sects.”

Luke’s brow furrowed as he stared down at the white face and wide black eyes. They seemed to be staring back at him, watching him.

“Are you sure this thing is dead?” Luke asked, looking up at Sori.

Sori and C’obin looked at each other, then back at Luke. “It’s primary functions are no longer operating,” C’obin said. “Ben Skywalker had severed the main server in its chest.”

“Continue the autopsy,” Luke said, moving away from the humanoid’s range of vision. “And cover those eyes while you’re at it.”

Sori and C’obin looked at each other again and shrugged. Luke and Ben exited the lab and continued back down the corridor toward the infirmary.

“I got a bad feeling,” Luke murmured.

“Yeah so do I,” Ben said, turning to stop Luke. “If that thing isn’t from Ossus, what the hell is it doing here? And why is it just as mysterious as Lilliya. I mean, the fact that it wasn’t detectable in the Force, Sori and C’obin say it’s tissue samples aren’t recognizable by the computer, and it was after Lilliya. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen anything like that thing.”

“It is a big galaxy,” Luke said mostly to himself, looking deep in thought.

“Come on, Dad,” Ben said, frustration seeping into his voice. “That thing is just as weird and out of place as Lilliya. And what about Lilliya’s mysterious battle ship? What about Jaina? What’s happening on Endor? I haven’t heard from her in two weeks. Her mission shouldn’t be taking this long without an update.”

“Calm down, Ben,” Luke said, snapping out of his reverie. “It won’t help anyone if you’re panicking. I want you to get some rest while I speak with Uhala and Leia on this.”

Ben crossed his arms. “I thought we’d figure this out together,” he said.

“We will figure this out together, but right now I want you to rest while I get a hold of Leia and talk to her first,” Luke said more firmly, placing a reassuring hand on his son’s shoulder.

Ben looked as if to argue, but held back. Instead, he nodded briskly, spun around and disappeared down the corridor.

Luke waited until Ben was out of sight before he returned to the med room where Uhala continued to examine Lilliya. Luke hated to be so secretive with his son, but he wasn’t ready to explain to him that Lilliya wasn’t human and that they didn’t know what she was. Luke had already contacted Leia, letting her know that Uhala would soon find out that Lilliya wasn’t human and that meant that Lilliya’s secret would then be known by one more person. And this made him uneasy. He wasn’t sure how long they could keep it a secret, or if they needed to at all. Perhaps Lilliya did know she wasn’t a human. Perhaps she already knew what species she was. Maybe they just needed to ask. But what would asking bring?

“How is she doing?” Luke asked Uhala.

“Quite well, surprisingly,” Uhala looked up with her bright red eyes.

“When will she wake?”

Uhala glanced down at Lilliya’s peaceful form. Her skin had already brightened back to its normal creamy hue and they could see her chest moving in shallow breaths.

“Probably within the hour,” Uhala answered, her gaze seeming to hide something.

“Should I keep her here under observation?”

“That would be a good idea, in case anything goes wrong,” Luke responded, staring back at Uhala. “Did you find anything on the venom’s origin?”

“No,” Uhala said bluntly. “The computer could not recognize the venom. The computer also could not recognize Lilliya’s blood, therefore was not able to determine what to extract as a toxin. It determined her as…unreadable.” For a female Chiss with barely any emotion, she looked as though she was actually excited by this information.
Luke glanced from Uhala and back to Lilliya, not quite making the connection. “Are you saying…she healed herself?”

“Precisely.”

But how? Luke thought. Maybe she was able to go into a Jedi healing trance before she went unconscious. But that didn’t make sense when she didn’t even know how to lift a rock with the Force.

“Uhala, you mustn’t tell anyone what you have discovered, not even Lilliya,” Luke said.

“I understand,” Uhala nodded professionally and as Luke exited the med center, he suddenly realized just how much he didn’t understand.

***

Maurel watched a holo image of a man in black with shocks of gray above each ear frown then disappear from view.

“That is Luke Skywalker, the Grand Master of the Jedi Council,” Captain Jorn explained as they watched the images change from a white ceiling to a green-skinned Falleen female and male. A few minutes later the image was lost to darkness, probably, Jorn surmised, by the Falleen Jedi disabling it.

Maurel had a grim smile on his chiseled face, but remained introspective.

“Was it her?” Captain Jorn asked, his sad, wrinkled face looking older now under the control of the Chrystallite Regime.

Maurel turned to a computer pad and read the readouts the probe droid had sent out before the Jedi, Ben Skywalker, terminated it. The droid’s mission was to identify and capture the woman Maurel was after, and if the droid couldn’t do the latter, then at least the identification readouts would be enough.

And as Maurel read the DNA readings taken when the droid bit the girl, his smile broadened.

“Reverse image back to point one-oh-five clicks,” Admiral Maurel commanded, and the holo images reversed back to a close up image of the woman backed against a tree.

“So you gonna eat me, or what?” the woman had said, right before the probe droid bit her.

“Back point one-oh-two,” Maurel said again. And the image showed a longer duration of the woman’s appearance struggling against the tree. Gold-blonde hair streaking with silver as darkness came, flawlessly ivory skin, one sapphire eye, one emerald and within the emerald was a diamond scar flashing a dark purple.

Dark purple, Maurel knew, meant fear. But only Maurel would know this. He watched the image of the young woman with a ferocious hunger, listened to the recording of her voice say, so you gonna eat me, again and then listened to her scream. The scream seemed to send Maurel a thrill of excitement, his sapphire eyes glittering bright.

“Set course for Ossus,” Admiral Maurel finally said. Then he turned to give Captain Jorn a fiery glare. “That’s her,” he said with a slow smile.

Captain Jorn nodded and turned to his second in command, giving the order. Maurel continued to watch the recording, repeating the same image of the young woman, and Jorn turned to leave him to his disturbing pleasures, all the while feeling sick to his stomach. Jorn had never seen anyone take so much pleasure in hunting someone. Even in his younger days, while growing up in the Imperial Remnant, the Moffs never showed such animalistic desire to kill.

But Jorn could have no opinion. Jorn had no freedom. Jorn was Maurel’s pet, along with all the other human captives forced into the Chrystallite Empire. They were all pets. And Jorn couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before Maurel decided he had no more use for them and kill them all.

The Revolution: Chapter 10 part 1

As soon as Lilliya hit the edge of the jungle and was out of the sites of Luke and Ben, she made run for it. Running felt good, felt the wind on her face, felt the branches brush away her tears. Running felt just that—running from her past, from her future, and definitely from her present situation.image

After a mile of pure sprinting, she stopped, winded, but feeling rejuvenated and free. She was deep within the jungle called The Forest of Ood. When the Jedi students created it, as they did with all the other green, blue, and orange planet life not inherit of Ossus, they named the forest jungle after the ancient Great Jedi Master Ood, whose spirit had resided within a tree on Ossus for centuries until Luke came upon it decades back.

Ood’s spirit was only a memory now, remembered by Luke Skywalker and other students of the Academy. And Lilliya had just come to learn about him briefly during one of her long conversations with Forra on the history of Ossus. Now, as she stood leaning up against a tree, alone and deep within the darkening jungle, she imagined what it would be like to talk to a Jedi Master in tree form. She wondered what wise things Ood would tell her.

She wondered when the hell she could get off this planet! Or if she should stay…

Maybe Ben was right, about her not belonging. She knew that was the root of it all. She had his father’s full attention, was his prized, mystery artifact. Ben was cast in the shadow she did not want to create.

But maybe Luke was right. Maybe learning the ways of the Force was something worth while. Just maybe…it would reveal something about herself she desperately needed to know.

Still leaning back against the ominous tree, the sharp edges of its bark gently pressing into her jumpsuit and bare skin, Lilliya watched the tops of the branches sway slightly in the breeze—a breeze she could not feel from where she stood—but felt a subtle warmth spread against her chest bone. Lilliya closed her eyes and soaked in the familiar heat she knew was radiating from her crystal buried underneath the jumpsuit’s shirt. It felt like home for a moment, the peace, the quiet, the movement of the trees and other life forms around her. Although, she noted, it was quieter than she would have expected for a jungle.

And her crystal never glowed for fun.

Lilliya let her eyes slowly open, leaning forward and away from the tree. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a white figure amidst the dark greens and blues of the jungle trees. She turned to look.

Standing just a few meters to her right stood a humanoid-like creature. Very gaunt and very white, it wore no clothing, but its body shivered with every twitch of a muscle. Its mouth hung open slightly revealing nothing back a black gape, and its eyes met hers with an unnerving, unblinking black glare.

It looked like a feral white human.

And it stood very still.

Lilliya didn’t move a muscle. She found that she almost couldn’t. She stood frozen, staring wide-eyed, waiting for it to make a move. She recalled for a second that she didn’t even hear the white humanoid approach in the first place.

It didn’t move. It continued to stare with its wide black eyes, hands hovering beside its hips, long, gangly fingers stretched like claws.

Lilliya thought about trying “hello,” but then already knew its intent. Its malicious stare said it all. Still frozen in place, Lilliya forced herself to unhinge her taut muscle, readying for a run. She was a good runner, at least she had that to be confident about. Her foot shifted about an inch in the other direction, knocking a tiny pebble, barely making a sound.

The white humanoid darted forward in a flash coming straight at her.

Lilliya was so surprised by the speed of the creature that she tripped over her own feet in an attempt to turn and run, falling flat on her back, her legs sticking up in defense.
The humanoid flashed to her side, stopping immediately at her feet, and looked down. Its mouth slowly opened baring silver metal-like teeth, terrifyingly sharp.

Lilliya let out a shout of horror and defiance as she punched her feet into the chest of the white creature, knocking it back a few paces. But it didn’t fall. Lilliya rolled back and onto the balls of her feet, rising slowly in a combat stance.

The creature stood hunched now, fingers clawing the air. The humanoid bared its teeth like an animal.

Lilliya knew she wasn’t prepared to fight something she didn’t know anything about, especially being weaponless. But that was the point of combat training, right?

The thing lurched at her and Lilliya charged, double kicking in the air towards its head. It moved with lightning speed—literally a blur of white—to the left side of her and punched her in the left kidney. She cried in agony and surprise, clutching her left side for an instant. The thing tilted its head to the side as if confused by her scream, then came towards her, mouth wide open.

Lilliya swung her fist up under and to the left of its chin, and felt her fist crack, as if it just contacted with durasteel. She had to bite her lip to swallow another cry. The humanoid retaliated by swinging its white fist towards her temple. This time she ducked and ducked again when the humanoid came for another swing. By the second dodge, she punched it low in the stomach, turning slightly and ramming her elbow into the center of its chest.

It backed away miming a howl. The humanoid made no sound and she faintly realized it hadn’t from the moment it appeared. And then it rushed toward her, another white blur, something she couldn’t even react quick enough too. It punched her square in the chest with a flat hand, but the force was strong enough to send Lilliya flying backwards and smash against a tree. She slid down, tiny blue leaves littering around her, and spat blood.

The humanoid made a sniffing sound and its black eyes widened at the blood on her lips.
Ignoring every ounce of pain coursing through her body, Lilliya jumped up, turned and ran, deciding she was no match for this thing…at least without a weapon. She hoped, at least, that she was going in the right direction toward the Academy grounds. At this point, she really didn’t know.

She ran as fast as her legs could take her for about two minutes before she stopped. She quickly looked behind her. There was nothing but dark jungle, and considering how white that thing was, there was no way it could blend in. Breathing raggedly, she watched behind her to see if anything was coming. She was hoping it was just a random animal born of Ossus that she just happened to accidentally run into…

And then her hopes were lost as something slammed into her from the left, sending her skidding to the ground. Dirt and debris dug into her bare skin and tore open her jumpsuit. She looked up with bleary eyes and saw the white shape of the creature standing above her, perfectly posed for attack. At this point, Lilliya’s mind was out of ideas. She quickly scurried away on all fours, but the humanoid came at her in a flash, shoving her up against a tree, its fingers like ice, gripping her arms.

Lilliya closed her eyes and pushed all of her will into transporting her form from the vice-grip of the creature. She opened her eyes and was disappointed. She was still pinned against the tree, face to face with the humanoid. She thought this would be an ironic way to die. Not in battle, not from a Jedi too lightsaber-happy, and not from Ben Skywalker.

But from an animal lost in the Forest of Ood. Fitting.

It peered at her with its large black eyes. Lilliya could almost see her reflection in them, saw her dirtied face, her resignation, and for a moment, its eyes only seemed curious and gentle. It moved closer, their noses almost touching, and Lilliya cringed. But there was no smell to the humanoid. And no sound.

Interesting, she thought. “So you gonna eat me, or what?” she said, a little surprised she was so casual about the whole thing.

As if to answer her question, the humanoid leaned forward and bit her above the left shoulder.

“Ah!” she screamed in pain, the scream so loud it bounced off the trees and into the distance. The humanoid bit down deeper too, sinking all the way through skin, muscle and nearly to the bone of her shoulder. This made Lilliya’s scream raise in pitch. She wanted to raise her hand to slap it away, but found she couldn’t move. The pain was searing hot, burning through her veins, but that wasn’t why she couldn’t move. She was paralyzed.

Before she could even understand what was happening, the humanoid stood up, blood dripping down its chin, a stark contrast to its blinding white skin, took her by the left arm and started dragging her one-handed.

Lilliya’s ears were ringing and her vision was blurring. She could see the tops of the trees still, even though the sky was darkening towards sunset. She looked up to her captor and wondered vaguely how it was going to end. She couldn’t feel her body being dragged, couldn’t feel its hand grasping hers. She imagined it eating her alive and hoped that this paralysis would keep until the very end. She looked back up towards the sky and smiled, or at least thought she smiled. This was it. Lilliya Starr was done…

***

Something fast and dark flew above and past her, but out of the corner of her eye, she could see a glowing blade. Lilliya glanced up and saw the humanoid’s hand was no longer holding hers. Whatever was happening was happening outside her field of vision. She could barely make out the muddled humming of something powerful, but that was the only sound present. It could have been the ringing in her ears for all she knew.

And she didn’t know how much longer she could stay conscious. The venom that was injected into her was either going to kill her or knock her out to be a convenient dinner for this thing. She had no idea what to expect.

Suddenly she saw the white shape of the humanoid fly past her right, smacking against a tree. And a black boot stepped into her site, a barrier between her and the humanoid.
The humanoid charged in a flash again, coming straight for the person in the boots. But this time, it charged right into the glowing blade of a lightsaber, skewering itself through the center of its chest. It stood still for a second, shivering and twitching, and finally its black eyes rolled white, falling backwards to the ground.

The person in boots moved forward a bit, peering down at the humanoid, making sure it was dead, Lilliya was certain. And then, whoever it was, hurried over to her paralyzed form and knelt down to her.

Lilliya was surprised to find herself looking straight up into the distraught face of Ben Skywalker. She could tell he was trying to check her pulse and see if she was alive, but she couldn’t feel his fingers on her. His mouth moved and it looked like he was saying her name. Lilliya just stared back, feeling the darkness overwhelm her consciousness. And then she was out, the last image in her mind being the anxious blue-green eyes of Ben Skywalker.

“Lilliya!” Ben exclaimed, shaking her limp form in a sad attempt to revive her. He glanced hurriedly at the white form of the humanoid. He was certain it was dead, but it unnerved him that he couldn’t sense the creature in the first place. Just like Lilliya.
His gaze turned back to her pale form and noticed the deep bite mark above her left shoulder. Her eyes were barely open, but she wasn’t responding, though he was confident she would live. Her pulse was slow but steady. He cursed Lilliya for being invisible to the Force. It would be so much easier to monitor her life if she was apart of it somehow. And then he cursed himself.

For everything he knew he’d done wrong.

But there wasn’t time for self-pity. Ben lifted Lilliya into his arms with ease and ran at a Force-sprint back to the Academy. Though he’d denounced the Force in his life, he knew very well how to recall it when necessary. And he was quite aware of the hypocrisy of it all.

The Revolution: Chapter 9 part 4

image 1 “Ben, you must let go of your fear of the Force.”

That was Luke. He stood off to the side of a training circle watching Ben who stood in the center. Ben had disengaged his lightsaber after a series of holographic battle simulations, with which he failed to defend himself during each level. His decision to no longer use the strengths and influences of the Force, ever since his mentor Jacen’s death, Ben’s skill with the lightsaber was no longer efficient against attack. But he was adamant to prove he could still win a fight without the Force.

However, the holographic simulations were programmed for Force-users; therefore much more difficult.

“Father, how many times must I tell you, I don’t fear the Force,” Ben replied, breathing heavily, “I refuse it.”

Luke crossed his arms defiantly. Then quickly relaxed his demeanor. So much like his mother, Ben was. Defensive, hot-headed, and stubborn. But even Mara had the sense of logic to use the Force, even after her haunting premonitions of the Emperor’s death and the task to kill Luke Skywalker so many years ago. And he knew that the death of Jacen and the death of Mara reverberating through the Force to the young teenage boy of Ben Skywalker had scarred Ben in ways a non-Force sensitive could never be.

“If you don’t start conditioning yourself to the Force now, it’ll be harder for you later. Possibly more dangerous. And I’d rather not have to be constantly worrying about your safety.” Ben’s posture quickly turned defensive, so Luke decided to rephrase that last part. “Remember that you’re Ben Skywalker, which means there are plenty of people out there ready to get rid of your existence.”

Ben snorted. “Maybe if they realize I’m not a JedI…” He let his sentence trail off,  noticing the expression on Luke’s face turn dark, and decided not to push his father too far.

“Am I interrupting something?” A woman’s voice startled both Ben and Luke, but mostly Ben. They turned to see Lilliya standing awkwardly outside the training circle, waiting to be noticed. “I’m guessing you guys couldn’t sense me coming, huh?” That last part sounded bitter.

Which took both Ben and Luke by surprise. Luke knew she wasn’t aware of her “invisibility” situation and wondered who spilt the news. Father and son exchanged a cautious look, then Luke moved toward her, while Ben stood perfectly still, perhaps a little on edge.

“You’re right about that,” Luke admitted gently, his blue eyes showing concern. “We are…unaware of your presence in the Force.”

“Funny,” Lilliya said, crossing her arms, “you never mentioned it before.” She glanced from Luke to Ben. Ben kept his eyes on her, and looked more edgy than before. “And he looks like he’s ready to jump me.” She gestured to Ben.

Luke looked back at Ben, who twirled his lightsaber hilt and clicked it onto his belt, shrugging back at Luke faux-innocently. Luke wasn’t fooled. He turned back to Lilliya.

“Ben just finished a holo-battle simulation and probably still has adrenaline rushing through him. And I never mentioned your invisibility before because you never asked.”

“Ha!” Lilliya scoffed. Then turned serious. “Well, whatever your real reasons were for bringing me here, and despite the fact that you’ve withheld important information on myself and the way the other JedI react to me, I’ve decided to really focus on this whole thing. Meaning, I’ll be taking your training a little more seriously.” She leaned forward as if giving away a secret.

That took Luke by surprise even more. He was expecting a big argument coming his way, which was the last thing he wanted after having consistent arguments with his own son.

“Really.” This time it was Ben who spoke up, still standing defensively. Both Luke and Lilliya turned their attention on him. “The Force isn’t something you can just inherit through knowledge. It’s genetic and believe me, I’m paying for it because it runs wild in my genes.”

Luke made a gesture to Ben that seemed to try to quiet him. But Ben continued.
“I work really hard to block out the Force, to make it not a part of my life style. And even still, I find myself being touched by it somehow, through a dream during sleep, or while I’m flying a space fighter. But you—” Ben pointed at her accusingly. “The Force doesn’t touch you at all. You don’t exist in the Force. If it can’t touch you, how in the universe will you ever be able to touch it? And why would you want to?—”

“Ben—” Luke interjected.

“No, Dad,” Ben said, raising his hand towards Luke. “All the Force will ever give you is pain. Power, yes. Strength, sure. But mostly pain. You will have access to every person’s pain…including your own.”

Lilliya stared at Ben, hypnotized by his sudden passion, something she hadn’t seen before. She felt shaky just by looking at his furious stare. But something inside of her grew angry, knotting her stomach defiantly, an animalistic urge to fight him, to beat him to a pulp. Her hands clenched into fists and she bit her lip feverishly. She had to fight to control herself from lunging at him.

Luke watched the two of them stand their ground, like animals ready to spring, and was amazed at how much negative energy radiated off of Ben. It seemed to flow then bounce right off of Lilliya’s invisible “shield.” It shook him to the bone, the anger he felt from Ben. The anger…and the tormented pain caused over the years of his adolescences.

Lilliya took a shaky breath, then replied darkly, “I can handle pain.”

Ben paused for a moment, then said, “Prove it.” With a snap-hiss, his white-blue lightsaber ignited to life and gestured to Lilliya.

“Ben, what are you thinking?” Luke said sternly.

“I’m not gonna cut her arm off or anything,” Ben said to Luke defensively. “I just wanna see what she’s got. I hear you’ve been training her with a lightsaber for about a week now. If she can somehow harness the Force even in the slightest, then she should have been able to pick up on a simple lightsaber exercise. And it‘s not like I‘ll be using the Force to help better my chances of winning.” Ben gestured to Lilliya again.

“That’s enough.” Luke struggled to hold his anger with his son at bay. “You two won’t be—”

“It’s okay, Luke,” Lilliya said, finally, her voice calm and clear. “I’ve been fighting with a stupid laser ball this whole time. Ben will be no different.” She wanted nothing more than to fight Ben, ever since his bad attitude on their way to Ossus.

Ben chuckled lightly, taking note on the subtle insult.

Lilliya stepped into the training circle, a wicked smile crossing her lips.

“This should be fun,” Ben said.

Luke shook his head, hating the whole idea, but at the same time, was ashamed at his curiosity at the outcome. He tossed his own lightsaber at Lilliya, who caught it neatly out of the air, and knew that this was probably a very bad idea. Might as well let the kids fight it out, Luke almost heard the voice of Mara whisper in his ear. He shrugged and stepped farther back from the circle.

“So be it,” he said, giving both Lilliya and Ben the go-ahead. “The first one to fall to the ground loses.”

Lilliya ignited the green-bladed lightsaber and the two of them saluted each other.
And then they struck, blue and green lightsabers colliding for just a moment, then separate. Another clash, blue and green melding into instant blinding light, and they continued, testing each other’s strength, pushing each other gently. Lilliya tentative but strong. Ben, holding back.

They continued like this for a few minutes, pressing lightsabers, pulling back, and quickly colliding over and over. Their speed quickened as they got comfortable with one another, and they began to take bolder strikes. Luke caught his breath as Ben swung his lightsaber at Lilliya’s midsection—which she deftly batted away—but then the saber swung back around towards her legs. Lilliya pushed off the ground, neatly jumping over the blue blade, all the while swinging her green blade at Ben’s shoulders.
He spun away and took a moment’s pause.

“Nice one,” he said, his breath light.

“Thanks,” Lilliya said, breathing much harder.

Then they attacked again, each push and swing more aggressive than the next, their eyes locked onto to each other like targeting computers. The only sounds within the training chamber were the electric hum and clash of the lightsabers…overpowering Lilliya’s heavy breathing.

Ben swung, dipped, and thrust his blade at her, and was very aware of the Force tempting to creep into his thoughts, to guide his movements. And as he glimpsed at his target through the Force for only a second, he saw nothing, and the Force could give no help. Lilliya was the perfect defense against a JedI. This challenged him further and he attacked harder. He swung his lightsaber in a series of parries, which Lilliya fought against, and got close enough to kick at her outer right thigh.

Lilliya felt the impact of Ben’s heel on her thigh, felt the pain surge through her leg, and nearly toppled over, which would have been a win for Ben. But then she quickly regained her balance on her left leg, spinning around and wielding her blade fast—though rather crude—against Ben’s, swinging in random directions as she learned Ben could not second-guess her.

“Good,” Luke said, though neither Ben or Lilliya was really paying much attention. He watched them both, but pushed out with the Force in an attempt to search for Lilliya within it, to see if she shed any light at all, not matter how small.

Lilliya swung her heel around to Ben’s hip this time, with which he shifted neatly out of the way.

“You’re not bad,” Ben muttered. “For someone who’s never used a lightsaber.”

“Dad taught me fencing when I was a kid,” Lilliya replied blandly.

Their lightsaber dance continued, Ben luring her in and then pummeling her back.

“You’re still as ghostly as ever, though,” Ben grinned sardonically. He heard his father groan in the background. “And this is getting boring. I’m gonna win.”

“Oh yeah?” Lilliya said.

“I’m barely exerting any strength on you. If I wanted, I could get you on your knees right now.”

This time Lilliya smiled. “So do it.” As she said that, she shifted to a two handed grip on the hilt and swung right, left and down.

Ben followed with two hands, batting each swing away, then twirled his lightsaber around hers, yanking it free of her hands. The green blade disappeared into the hilt.

Automatic shutdown.

Ben swung towards Lilliya, unarmed. She side-stepped, the blade entering the space she just occupied, and Lilliya punched Ben in the face.

He took a stumbling step back, a look of pain and shock crossing his face as he grabbed his jaw with his free hand.

“Hey!” Ben cried.

“Sorry,” Lilliya shrugged smugly.

“You know, punching isn’t part of the game,” Ben grumbled.

“Oh?” Lilliya smiled. “I didn’t know. I just know I’m gonna win…without a lightsaber.”

Before Ben could recover from his surprise, Lilliya did a quick sprint toward him, slid forward on her right leg, but without touching her left knee to the ground. She continued to slide under the blue humming blade, passed Ben’s side and elbowed him hard in his right kidney. He yowled, falling to his knees, and as his lightsaber fell with him, Lilliya deftly snatched it out of his hands, nearly breaking his wrist in the process, swung it twice for show, and placed the blade’s tip under Ben’s chin.

Giving a big toothy grin.

Ben, gripping his side tenderly, stared up at Lilliya in irritation.

Luke covered his humored smile with his hand. “Lilliya wins,” he said, trying to hide the smile out of his voice.

But Ben could sense it from him, Force or no Force. He felt humiliated and very annoyed.

“My dad also taught me self-defense,” Lilliya’s voice smug.

“If only your dad could see you now,” Ben muttered softly. And then he caught himself, knowing Lilliya had just lost her father on Endor. He knew he thought it, but was surprised with himself for verbalizing it. But it was too late.

Lilliya’s smug smile vanished immediately. “I wish he could,” she said darkly, her eyes glittering. “So he could see I beat the stang out of a JedI wanabee.”

Luke groaned again.

“Wanabee?” Ben scoffed. “I think you got it all turned around. You fit that description a whole lot more than—”

“How could you mention my father like that?” She cut him off, Ben’s lightsaber still humming in her hands, though she pulled it away from his chin.

Ben paused for a moment, regulating her expression. It was hurt, but he could tell she was holding a lot more hurt back. Then he shrugged. “Oh come on. Everyone dies. And everybody loses somebody. It’s not like you’re the only one who’s lost someone.”

Visions of Jenar and her father flashed through her mind like daggers. She blinked hard. She knew she could feel her tears rebel against her will. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of Ben Skywalker.

“Yeah, well—” she gritted through teeth, “doesn’t make it easier. Still hurts.”

“You just said minutes ago that you can handle pain.” Ben slowly stood up as he said this.

“I can handle it just fine!” Lilliya spat. “What I can’t handle is you trying to get a reaction out of me. So I’m gonna give it to you. Don’t ever mention my father again.” Lilliya took a menacing step toward Ben, pointing a finger in his face.

“All right, fine!” Ben said defensively and started to turn away. “Good luck with becoming a JedI. You lose a lot in that career field.”

Lilliya sniffled and hated herself for doing it, but the tears were coming down without control.

“I don’t know what the hell I did to offend you, but from the start you’ve been a jerk,” Lilliya said, despite him walking away.

He stopped, and turned back around for the challenge. “Maybe if you hadn’t broken into my house, messed around with things that don’t belong to you, I wouldn’t even have a problem with you.”

“You can’t be serious,” Lilliya scoffed, despite the tears running down her cheeks. “I didn’t even break in. And besides—”

“There is no besides!” Ben spat. “I don’t need a reason to not like you. I just don’t. So accept it or get over it. And maybe go back to where you came from.” Whoops, that came out wrong, Ben thought. Again, her home was destroyed, so she had no other place. He couldn’t believe what got into himself either.

“That’s exactly where I wanted to go in the first place!” Lilliya cried. “I belong on the team with Jaina Solo. And I shouldn’t have agreed to come out here.” That last sentence was directed at Luke, who still sat quietly on the side on the training circle, watching. She turned directly to him. “So thanks, Luke. For your son, for the students who hate me, for this whole damn place. It’s been a great—a great—” She started choking on her tears and humiliation. She put a hand over her red face, and for a moment, it felt like she was alone, away from Ben and Luke’s critical eyes. She was amazed at herself. She hadn’t had a good cry since she was a young teenager. And as the tears burned her cheeks, all she could seem to think about was Jenar. He would have held her. He would have made her laugh. He loved her. And she never knew.

Her gut twisted in agony as that fact weighed on her mind. He never knew…she loved him. Instead, he died saving her, or trying to.

“I wish…you were here…” she murmured so quietly, she thought Ben and Luke couldn’t hear.

They could.

Dropping her hand, she remembered Ben and Luke staring at her, and that Ben‘s lightsaber was still gripped with her other hand. Thoroughly embarrassed, but not able to do anything about it, she let out a short, mocking laugh of defeat and dropped the unlit lightsaber to the ground. Then she turned around and walked out of the training circle, towards the nearby jungle, not caring what the Skywalkers thought.

Ben and Luke silently watched her go, both men a little taken aback by the sudden rush of emotions. Luke understood it though, knew she had kept it bottled up for so long that it wasn’t surprising it all came flooding out.

Then Luke turned toward Ben. “Go after her and apologize.”

Ben turned to Luke in surprise and was about to debate it.

Now,” Luke said, pointing firmly in the direction she went.

Ben sighed, resigning all argument, knowing he was in the wrong, and nodded silently, not meeting his father’s very stern stare. He followed after Lilliya.