What do people do at four in the morning?

I’m up. Not just up, but wide awake. You would think that after a long, exhausting night at work I would have fallen asleep immediately. Instead, I’m tossing and turning, blowing my drippy nose, coughing, going to the bathroom, drinking some water, pushing my annoying cat out of the way of my face, then finally deciding to take a sleeping pill at around 4am.

After that, I went to the kitchen and got a Klondike bar, cookies and cream, and scarfed it down. Though I couldn’t taste it because I’m sick, so that didn’t really satisfy my craving.

Then, while I wait for the sleeping pill to kick in, I started surfing the web, but…there was nothing really interesting to surf through. So, here I am again, falling back on my blog to write another randomly, self-spilling, thoughtless rant that makes this more like a public diary for the whole world to see.

Not that there are that many people reading this particular blog. I know of only a few…

But seriously, I used to be a great sleeper, but now I find that my brain won’t stop spinning in crazy circles about solving THIS, or fixing THAT. And it won’t let me rest one bit.

So I’m gonna spill all the annoying thoughts on here so that maybe writing about it would help me vent out my brain so I can sleep, for the love of GRAPES! Yes, that is a very irritated and heated sentence. I would also like to point out that I’m writing this without my contacts so I’m relying solely on my fingers to not mess up while typing. Fingers lead the way cause I’m blind as a bat!

Hold on to yourself because I am going to write the next paragraph as one big run-on, thought flowing sentence so you can get an idea of how my brain would not SHUT UP! So here we go…

my cat is so cute all snuggly i’m so glad i brought him with me to california but i’d rather him not be in my face all the time when i’m trying to sleep i hate it when he climbs on the pillows while i’m sleeping it makes me think he’s gonna pee on them right on my face man i feel miserable man i hate being sick if my nose drips one more time i’m just gonna let it drip it’ll have to deal with it ugh i hate that feeling do i really have to blow my nose AGAIN yep okay so back to thinking about stuff that can help me fall asleep why hasn’t he called why was he so mean why do i feel this way did i do the right thing nope of course i didn’t i always screw everything up i can never do the right thing i always feel like i cant do the right thing with him i’ve apologized i think more times all together in my life to him than i have to anyone i think could be exaggerating but whatever that’s what it feels like i cant do anything right with him always making mistakes just like i treated chris oh no that’s how i treated chris made him feel like he never did anything right he always felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me which makes it obvious that we weren’t meant to be together but still i feel like i should write him a letter apologize i must be on an apologizing streak no that’s a bad idea let it stay in the past no need to touch it but wouldn’t that be okay wouldn’t it to just say i’m sorry to amend things to make things better yes and no and definitely not right now cause i’m being impulsive which i always am but when i’m impulsive with letters bad things tend to always happen i hate thinking about my ex boy am i lame could i be any lamer sleep sleep cat get off my fucking pillow dammit i hope i’m better tomorrow i wonder if he will call tomorrow i wish i had my best friend i wish i didn’t say anything how did he replace chris i hate saying i love you bad things always happens best to wait until its safe best to not do it thought that would be silly because then i would be a pathetic loser who couldn’t fall in love lame oh well and my period’s started so you would think i could think rationally nope guess not confused as always think i’m gonna close everything off now but still can’t sleep i feel nauseous damn period and stupid tampon i wonder if i’ve got toxic shock syndrome should i ever write chris an apology letter simple i’ve got it all worked out but why so i can be at peace with that but i can be by just letting it go two different states a new beginning a fresh start i can replace everyone and never have to look back again can i do that to him that text was so mean not like him that’s what i do to guys piss them off i really tried hard to focus on what i was saying i’m stupid though go figure leave it to me to say the wrong things i excel at that maybe he meant it as something else maybe he didn’t mean it to be mean always fucking things up over a text go figure i regret everything i shouldn’t have slept with my best friend i shouldn’t have let us get close like that i knew better but as always i think i’m above the norm outside the usual think i can survive it in the end i’m still human that keeps perfecting myself i must perfect myself must make things better with all people except for the ex should let that disappear under all the dust no need to uncover it wouldn’t matter apology wouldn’t matter his reaction would probably piss me off again again and remind me of things i shouldn’t remember holy shit its 4am fuck!

Okay, so there you have. If you were able to read through that entire jumble of pure unadulterated honesty, the window to my brain, then I applaud you. I’m finally feeling the sleeping pill kicking in…and it does feel somewhat better now that I’ve got most of that stuff off my brain. Aw man it’s 530am. You gotta be kidding me!

How do you choose the right vs the wrong?

When all is well and good, where I have successfully kept myself out of trouble, staying out of relationships, keeping myself safe from heartbreak, guarding my heart and controlling my feelings, I’ve realized that I let one slip through the gates.

What do you do when you’re faced with a difficult decision, confusing and depressing? Where you can’t make sense of what you’re feeling? When you don’t know what to do anymore, and the answer that once was so clear is now so skewed?

Making decisions can suck
Making decisions can suck

Human feelings can suck and screw with logic. No wonder Vulcans look down upon us so. When we are faced with something we don’t want to do, but know is best in the long run, we delay the inevitable. We hold on to what we know we’ll lose. We run from what we know is coming. All the while, we go on with our daily lives, pretending there’s nothing to choose from.

I’ve found that I am exactly in this annoyingly difficult situation. I always knew it would come some day, where I would have to let go of my best friend, but I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be. Considering I’ve been through a lot of hard “letting go” situations, I thought this one would be easier to deal with.

But of course, it’s not easy, and while I convince myself and my feelings that I don’t know what to do anymore, somewhere in the back of mind the answer is glaring at me. I just don’t like it. So I don’t listen.

I’ve always hated making the big decisions. I never feel like I’ll make the right one. There have been many times where I’ve felt like I made a big mistake. But I suppose that’s how it is in most cases. I seem to always choose the bumpy road versus the smooth one. Maybe it’s my personality. I like the challenge rather than the simple. Who knows?

So I’ll leave it all up to God. Won’t claim any responsibility… Just kidding. 😉

But things like this really are out of our hands, and we should just pray and hope the answer is near.

Boys and Girls can’t just be friends…

Unless the boy is gay of course.

I’ve been very stubborn to admit this statement can be true. I mean, come on! I grew up with boys, felt more comfortable with them, and many times considered myself to be one of them. In fact, many of my closest friends were boys. There were a few years here and there where I actually asked my best “guy friend” if he would be my maid of honor (whenever the day would come I would actually get married). We had a good laugh about it. How it would be unheard of. And how I’d better find a husband who wouldn’t mind my bestest friend in the whole world to be another (straight) guy.

I believed I could pull it off having a sans-sexual-tension best friend relationship with the opposite sex. Of course, I always think I can pull anything off, be above and beyond the norm. I was a very stubborn thinker during my teens and to my early twenties. Now that I am nearing my mid-twenties and have attempted to continue this way of thinking, I’ve realized I made a mistake.

Years ago, I saw the film When Harry Met Sally, which is supposed to be a story about two opposite sexes trying to ignore the ultimate sexual attraction they have for one another. They indulge in relationships with other people and keep their best friend relationship. As the movie continues, their friendship gets more complicated (of course!) and lots of random fighting start to sour everything up. Ultimately something needs to change in their friendship, but I’m not going to say what it was in case you haven’t seen the movie. Don’t wanna spoil the ending. 🙂

It’s funny, these platonic relationships. Because someone always seems to be more attracted to the other and has to learn how to control their feelings in case of ruining the comfortable friendship they have (now when I say friendship, I’m talking about really close friendships; best friend status). In most cases, I’ve found that it’s always the guy who starts to feel the sexual tension for his best “female” friend. Usually, for the girl, it never occurs to her unless someone else says something like, “Hey, you guys look cute together…” and only then does the sex idea pop up into her head. Otherwise, usually the girl is completely clueless about her best friend’s attraction to her. Usually.

Where am I going with this? Well, what happens when those two friends start to explore their sexual attraction for one another, all the while trying to stay “just friends?”

Crap happens. The deeper, romantic and complicated feelings start to come out and if the relationship isn’t defined appropriately, the friendship becomes more troublesome and messy than it should be. Everything you once thought was clear becomes cloudy and confusing. And your best friend becomes the source of your problems, instead of the problem solver. There’s no getting away from it, and there’s no sense in denying it.

So what do you do? Seeing as I really don’t have the answer, I’m gonna have to admit that I don’t know. But what I can tell you is to do this: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and wait for the answer to come. You’ll only see it on a clear day.

Crazy dream #3: Werewolves, aliens, and ex-boyfriends…oh, and did I mention teeth falling out! Ah!

Okay, I’m gonna have to say this particular dream gave me the cold sweats. As much as I love exciting dreams involving aliens and werewolves, this one made me more vulnerable that I’m normally used to. Whatever happened to my machine gun I’d always carried with me? It seems in my old age I’ve become more vulnerable in my dreams which sucks!

So I had another random dream about being attacked by aliens (from James Cameron’s Aliens), but honestly, as I write this, I can’t seem to recall the details. All I know is that I was running from them and then found myself in some neighborhood in California. I was with my ex-boyfriend, in his car watching the sunset on this mountain top nearby a high school my dad worked at, and I was vaguely aware of a practicing marching band as well. It was a peaceful moment, but as I lay in his arms listening to him talk, I felt an impending doom approaching. I had to get out somehow. There was somewhere I needed to be. But I didn’t know where.

I rushed out of the car and went inside the high school which evolved into a large dentist’s office. I looked into the mirror and smiled. My teeth felt funny, so I pushed against the front with my tongue, and BAM! A massive chip came off my tooth! My eyes widened in horror and felt with my tongue again, and BAM! Both front teeth tore out, detaching from the permanent retainer I had in. I caught them both with my hands, looked away from the mirror in disgust, and stared in horror at the broken teeth laying in my palms.

I couldn’t believe it! I worked so hard on straightening these teeth, and then they just randomly fell out!

Nonetheless, I felt I was on a mission. I pocketed the teeth, ran outside, my ex was waiting for me in concern, wondering where I’d gone. He started to follow me as I ran towards the west (or east, but it was one of those). But I ran too fast for him and he disappeared from my dream.

I was alone now, but I knew I’d eventually run into my dad. I was looking for him. There was a particular dirt path, surrounded by desert, that I was journeying on. I somehow met up with my old best friend Amy Baker and my mom. We were all following the same path. I was told by some others that I should beware of the wolf people in the next town I’ll be passing.

As soon as I got there, the wolf people came out to hunt. Then it was a full out fight. I somehow ended up with a sword…my only weapon to defend myself. Pretty lame against werewolves, if you ask me.

These things freak me out.
These things freak me out.

So here we were, running around like crazy people trying to fight off the strange pirate looking wolf people. Amy and my mom disappeared from the scene. There was a little girl I found and was compelled to pick her up and make a run for it. But the lead wolfman wouldn’t let me go. I used my negotiating skills on him (which turned out to be flirting) and suddenly he wanted to do me. I thought to myself, having sex with a dogman isn’t what I would call fun. He started to mount me, but before he could do his thing, I kicked him off, grabbed the girl and got the hell out of there.

I continued down the path, the little girl disappearing as well, and I was alone again. All I knew was that I needed to meet up with my dad at the train station. After miles of walking and fearing of being found by the wolves, I finally found my dad. By now, we were in the middle of a desert in Arizona, waiting by the train tracks. We were somehow going to jump onto the train and hide in one of the box cars to continue the rest of the 600 miles. The 600 miles were very specific, but I have no idea why. And there was one more wolf lair we’d have to pass by. It was the most dangerous of them all. They were the real vicious wolves that if they found “food” (humans) nearby, they would attack and eat them. Much different from the wolves I had fought earlier.

This worried me because we had to cover our scent and be very quiet in order to not alert the wolves. And, for some reason the 600 miles to the mysterious destination was very depressing to me. I felt I’d already gone so far. But I had 600 more miles to go. Ugh!

The dream ended with the train passing by, and me nearly missing it. My dad disappeared from the scene as well. I didn’t even get to see what the mysterious destination was. Dreams are lame like that.

Dream #2: Zombies, malls, and Alzheimer’s!!!

So, I had another awesome dream last night about being in a mall with lots of my friends ranging from high school to college. It started out as trying to escape off the planet featured in the movie Aliens, but since we failed to actually get off, the dream evolved into us escaping into a giant mall filled with zombies.

So instead of fighting off aliens, we were fighting off zombies the whole time. Only, I don’t remember us really having any weapons, so we had to use brute strength…and a lot of running. I remember as the zombies kind of chilled out for a second—meaning the calm before the storm sort of thing—we were taking the opportunity to really find a way to get to an escape route and rid our selves of the zombies forever. As we got a head start, journeying towards our destination, we passed a store that was giving out free designer clothes—they were closing because of the zombie infestation—and I couldn’t help myself and walked in. The sales reps were really in a bad mood, but I didn’t care. I was hunting for a very specific dress. I didn’t find it unfortunately, but I did find an equally cute dress. As soon as I grabbed it, another hand reached out and grabbed it too. I looked to see who it was, and it was my old best friend Sara from high school. She claimed she saw it first and had dibs. I claimed that I saw it first and had dibs. There was only one size left and we were fighting over it. She said that it couldn’t fit me because it was too small. I told her I wear a size small! After a little tiff, the zombies we were coming back, so I won the dress and got the hell out of there.

Then, as it seemed I was to be free of the zombie infested mall, I ended up in my grandparents’ old house in Glendale, AZ. I saw my grandma there, and my mom, but I couldn’t find Papa. It turns out we were waiting for my Papa’s return from Wisconsin. He was arriving at night, and I vaguely remember that I was really nervous for him to be traveling by himself because of his Alzheimer’s.

More and more of my family members showed up and I was curious as to why everyone was here. Finally, my Papa arrived. He was standing perfectly straight, smiling brightly, walking fast, and seemed so much more energetic than ever. As if he had gotten younger somehow. I was ecstatic! He had gotten better and was moving like he was young again. I waited to give him a big hug as he approached me. He looked me in the eye, but then bypassed me completely, going straight for my grandma, as if he didn’t recognize me. He scooped up Mana, surprising even her, and took her into the house, laughing all the way. Though, I was happy that my Papa had been cured of his old age, I realized he didn’t know who I was, despite the fact that he brought me up as a child. Knowing the zombies could appear any moment, feeling depressed that my Papa no longer knew who I was, though he knew everyone else, I decided to continue my plan to eradicate the zombies once and for all.

And that was it. I don’t remember anymore.

Wake up and say “I’m beautiful!”

I was watching this TV show with my mom called “My Big Foot” or something like that. I don’t remember exactly. Well it was a little documentary on a woman who had an infected foot that spread up her leg making it nearly impossible to wear pants, shoes, or even walk. The disease she had was very similar to elephantitis, called Lymphedema.

Anyhow, as I watched this show, I felt so horrible for the lady and hoped she could find a way to cure her leg so could live her life normally. Then I looked at my own leg, examining it, and for a moment it was like I had never really LOOKED at my leg before.

Vicki Borkens leg. And I thought cellulite was bad.
Vicki Borken's leg. And I thought cellulite was bad.

Then my mom said, “And you complain about cellulite.”

I grimaced, but she was right. Here I was with perfectly normal and healthy legs, a fit and strong body (I wear a size 3), but I was too obsessed with getting rid of the cellulite that was on my butt and thighs. Whereas, this woman on TV was trying to remove the built up fluid in her leg and foot so that she could walk without a cane and maybe indulge in a stiletto shoe. I hope she can find treatment.

I know that for us girls we have a hard time really accepting our bodies and being content. We constantly strive to look like what is advertised as beautiful, in order to be happy with ourselves, in order to attract others. I am quite guilty of always obsessing over the newest imperfection of my body. First it was my nose, then it was my teeth, then my weight, then my butt, and not all in that order. Instead, I should look in the mirror, see that my legs are intact, I have all four limbs, I have all my teeth, I am in shape, I am healthy, and then say, “I’m beautiful!”

My friend Anthony had to smack me in the face a couple of times to get me to wake up and see that I am beautiful. That I shouldn’t compare myself to others, that I shouldn’t waste my time obsessing over my looks. He told me that there was nothing wrong with me, that every imperfection I saw was a figment of my imagination. Nobody else could see it.

He was right. There’s no point in wasting our time over body imperfections. They aren’t really imperfections at all, rather they are what makes us unique and interesting. And if there is anyone to tell you otherwise…like fixing the cellulite on your butt…fuck them. And then tell them to look in the mirror every morning and say, “I am beautiful!”

That’s what I’m doing and surprisingly it’s working.

Already been done…aw, shit.

So my mom and I went to see Julie&Julia, which was a very cute movie that made me very hungry, and then afterwards, my mom gave me the news.

Apparently, I don’t have very original ideas when concerning my blog. I’m moving to California in three days and I was planning on documenting my adventures as I pursue my career as an actor. Because this career is particularly grueling, I thought it would be a good idea, not only for me, but for other actors who might want encouragement, to read about the trials, challenges, and sometimes positive outcomes that a working actor experiences.

Well! It turns out it’s already been done. Not that I thought I’d be the ONLY one writing about the shit actors go through, but not only has this already been DONE, but the girl who had written it is now famous and making a movie out of her blog!! Which makes my plans completely obsolete!

At least, this is what my mom had heard.

So if I continue with my plan on writing about my adventures as an actor, who would care, because somebody else has already beaten me to it. And making a movie!! A MOVIE! Oh, please. I don’t see how it’s going to be any good. Reading about it is much more entertaining than watching it.

In any case, looks like I need a fresher idea.

But…knowing me…I’ll probably just stick with my original plan. Unless anyone else has any better ideas…whoever you are.

And so the sun rises…

 

It was my last night at work and I didn’t get home until 6 a.m. For the first time in years, I saw the sun rise. As I drove up the curving mountainous highway, only a few of us other late nighters keeping company on the long road home, I watched the star-studded sky fade into a pale blue. And then, from the east, the pale blue blushed orange and red, the distant mountains hiding the awakening sun.

My eyes ached for sleep, my legs throbbed to rest, and I smelled of milk…or rather dried whipped cream. Indeed, it was a long night. And as I spend my last few days living in Arizona, I wonder vaguely who I will become, what will alter me, who will I meet, who will I befriend? And, though the mere thought of existing in a place where life starts all over again is thrilling, I can’t help but feel panicked. Because the people I know today cannot be replaced. And they are amazing human beings.

It’s not every day you look forward to going to work, but when your work includes a ton of fantastic people, it changes your perspective. That is, if you allow yourself to SEE the people and who they are.

Like I said, it was my last day and I ended up closing, which was great cause I needed it! I had a group of friends from work waiting for me at a bar. They came back to see how close I was to being done, and graciously surprised me with whipped cream to the face, which I shared by smearing back on their faces—though some escaped before I could get to them. We met up with some other buddies from work, some of which had already started drinking. Knowing I had a two hour drive to get back up to my parents’ place, I had to make sure I didn’t drink too much.

The boys bought us rounds and we laughed the night away, all work relations faded, all differences gone, acting like we’d known each other all our lives when we‘d only known each other for a short time. Being an observer type, I marveled at how distinctive we were and, yet, very much the same. All searching, all learning, needing, wanting, regretting, forgetting, beginning. Wanting different, but feeling the same.

We watched a friend serenade to us—and the bar—which then inspired them to provoke me into singing as well. I complained about not knowing anything with meaningful lyrics, whereas Hakim had been singing some seriously deep stuff. But, later, as I drove up I-17, watching the sunrise, a song I hadn’t thought about in years popped into my head and I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of it before. The first time I sang this song, I was in 6th grade and didn’t fully understand the meaning of what it was I was singing, though I thought maybe someday I would. I do now. So here it is:

A new life.

What I wouldn’t give to have a new life.

One thing I have learned as I go through life,

Nothing is for free along the way…

A new start.

That’s the thing I need to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life to find a new part,

Just a simple role that I can play…

A new hope.

Something to convince me to renew hope.

A new day.

Bright enough to help me find my way.

A new chance.

One that maybe has a touch…of romance.

Where can it be? The chance for me?

A new dream.

I have one I know that very few dream.

I would like to see that overdue dream,

Even though it never may come true.

A new love.

Though I know there’s no such thing as true love.

Even so, although I never knew love,

Still I feel this one dream is my due.

A new world.

This one thing I want to ask of you, World.

Once before it’s time to say adieu, World,

One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong.

A new life.

More and more as sure as I go through life,

Just to play the game and to pursue life,

Just to share its pleasures and belong.

That’s what I’ve been here for all along.

Each days a brand…new….life.

-Frank Wildhorn

I believe this song relates to all of us trying to find our little niches in this world. No matter how old or young you are, some of us never stop looking for that special…something.

This is what I see in the people I work with. This is what I see in the strangers that pass by me. This is what I see every day. The search for a new life.

That night, we finished by taking home a troubled friend who had had a little too much to drink. Then Erica and I walked nearly two miles back to our cars. Thank goodness it was cool out.

I know that I’ll never forget the people I’ve worked with. It’s not every day your work buddies become an important part of your life. I’ll remember the days we got along and the days we didn’t. But in the end, we all came together…with a little drink or two. 🙂

And as I drove the long two hour stretch back home, I passed Sunset Point and laughed. The sun was rising.

The Revolution: Chapter 8

Days had gone by with no news from Jaina’s team. This was to be expected, of course. Jaina had been informed to not use any forms of communication until they knew it was safe. She and her team had all been fitted with sensor chips that could detect their vital signs and also warn if they had been captured, or killed. So there was no need to call if in distress because Coruscant Security would have been notified through their computers.

The days had also gone by slowly for Lilliya, as she waited anxiously on Ossus for any information from the TwinSuns Squad. She spent most of her days roaming the Academy grounds, exploring the jungles, the rocky cliffs, swimming the cold rivers, and the labyrinth inside the Jedi Temple. She had discovered that the oasis the Jedi Academy resided in was actually planted and built by the students studying there. The alien plant life made Ossus much more hospitable compared to its normally dry and desert-like atmosphere.

The days after her arrival were much more calm and peaceful, the family visitors having left the planet.

And when there seemed there was nothing else to explore, she took up Luke’s offer and followed the students on their training schedule. Mostly, she stood by and watched as they practiced levitation exercises, lightsaber sparing, and mind puzzle solving exercises. Sometimes, she would try an exercise or two, but would fail miserably, always embarrassing herself in front of the others. She did better at the aerobic exercises they did throughout the day. But even those turned out to be too difficult for her at times. She didn’t have the stamina like a Jedi.

And when the students meditated for hours, Lilliya escaped into the Temple’s library, a dark and serene hall where she could really find some peace and quiet. She could sit in one of the deep couches and explore the documents and files for hours.

This was one of those days.

“Hello,” someone said from behind her.

Lilliya jumped in her seat, surprised by the soft voice disturbing the otherwise perfectly silent hall. She turned halfway to see who it was.

A young man, skinny and pale with green eyes, stood behind her, smiling. He was bald without a hint of hair left on his scalp, but it seemed to suit him perfectly.

“How is it going?” He gestured to the data pad on her lap.

“Oh,” Lilliya said, surprised anyone even noticed her at all. “It’s just a little reading.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “I am Forra.”

Lilliya slid up from the couch and greeted the young man.

“I’m Lilliya.”

“Pardon my intrusion,” Forra bowed his head. “I noticed you in here many times. I assume you are the mysterious new guest we have on Ossus.”

“Mysterious?” Lilliya murmured. “I didn’t realize I was a mystery.”

“Oh, yes,” Forra chuckled lightly. “You could say that. Well, I just wanted to introduce myself. I spend most of my days in the library too. But I will leave you be.”

“Wait,” Lilliya said, holding out her hand as if to stop him. “Actually, I wouldn’t mind the company. You’re sort of the first person I’ve been able to talk to. That is, besides Luke Skywalker. But he’s so busy with his students, I haven’t had a real conversation with anyone in a while.” Which was true. She could talk to Ben, whom she saw occasionally training with the other students, but he stayed clear of her. She had to keep reminding herself that Ben didn’t particularly care for her.

Forra raised his eyebrows in surprise and a big smile spread across his lips.

“You are not what they say you are,” he said. “Sure, I will join you.”

Lilliya cocked an eyebrow. “What is it that they say about me?”

Forra shook his head, wishing he hadn’t said anything. “I am sorry. They were just rumors—”

“Rumors? About me?” Lilliya was shocked. “I thought I pretty much stayed out of everyone’s way. I’ve been more like a ghost than anything else.”

“A ghost, yes,” Forra chuckled again. “Interesting choice of words. Well it does not matter what they say.”

Lilliya pondered that for a moment, and decided to drop it. She didn’t really need to know what the rumors were.

“So what do you do here?” she asked instead.

“Me? Oh, I just hang around here a lot,” he said. His demeanor was almost nervous or shy.

“So do I, but I’m supposed to be training with the others. Are you a keeper?”

“Of the library? Oh, no. But I suppose you could say that I am, sort of. I am a Jedi student, but…I am not very strong in the Force. I cannot keep up with the others very well,” Forra said, a somber look flashing across his face. “So I devote most of my time learning the histories of the JedI and the Sith. Most of the older documents are in an ancient language, so I took it upon myself to decipher most of it. I can read almost nine thousand languages.”

Lilliya’s mouth dropped. “Wow, that’s quite a brain you got. I can barely remember six.”

“Six thousand?”

Lilliya barked a laugh. “No, no. Just six. I don’t think my brain capacity could handle even a hundred.”

Forra smiled. “You would be surprised with yourself, but then again, I am not human either. I am a Seviths.”

Lilliya cocked her head to one side. “I am unfamiliar with that species. Where are you from?”

“We have no home planet. We sort of are nomadic,” he explained. “We make it a life’s goal to know most, if not all, the languages of the galaxy. Maybe that is where my Force talent lies. Inside my translation.”

“Maybe so,” Lilliya murmured. “I don’t fit in here very well myself. I am a military pilot. My base was on Endor, until…”

“Yes, I heard,” Forra said, and there was only sympathy in his voice. “Most of us found out why you were here. As soon as you arrived, you became the focus of our attention.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, because…” Forra hesitated. “There are some who feel threatened by you.”

“Threatened?” Lilliya exclaimed. “But I’ve done nothing—”

“It is not what you have done,” Forra said, his voice soft and calming. “No matter. I do not sense what they feel. It may be because I am not strong in the Force, but still. I do not feel threatened by you.”

“Well that’s good,” Lilliya grumbled. “Although, it explains all the strange looks I’ve been getting and why no one comes near me.” She shook her head in frustration. “It doesn’t make sense! I haven’t done anything that could be considered a threat.”

“It is a mystery. It is why you are the center of our attention,” Forra said.

“I don’t know why I’m even here. I only do some of the Jedi exercises to keep my mind off—the waiting.” Lilliya corrected herself. She was going to say, “mind off Endor,” but decided not to bring up that personal subject.

“What are you waiting for?” Forra asked, cocking his head to the side and gazing at her with his innocent green eyes.

Lilliya was a little taken aback by how the question was phrased. And she realized something she hadn’t even considered. She was waiting. But for what? For something better than where she was, or what she was? Maybe for her to be able to tap into the Force, which Luke was so convinced she had. She didn’t know. And for the first time since she’d arrived on Ossus, she felt like she needed to really do something about it.

“That,” she said, a wry smile curling up one side of her mouth, “is a very good question.”

Forra cocked his head to the side again, almost like a curious bird.

“Look at me,” Lilliya chuckled. “I’m spilling my guts out to you like I’ve known you forever.”

Forra smiled.

“Well,” she continued. “I suppose I should make something of my life. I’ve got nothing else to wait around for, that’s for sure. I guess I’ll go meet up with the group and try a little harder.”

Forra laughed quietly.

“What?” Lilliya asked.

“There is no try,” he said, laughing softly. “It is just a little something Master Skywalker likes to say a lot.”

“Interesting,” she said, smiling slightly. “I’ll see you around. Don’t get stuck in here too long. Oh! And one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“Could you do me a favor. I nearly forgot, but once you told me you spoke nine thousand languages—”

Read. I read nine thousand.”

“Oh, yes,” Lilliya corrected. “Well, I found something that belonged to my father.” She unhooked the metal tag from her necklace that she had attached nearly a week ago. She handed it to Forra. “It has an inscription embedded in it. But I don’t know what it says. I would have asked my best friend, Jenar, to translate it, but…” She allowed her voice to trail off.

Forra peered at it curiously, flipping it around in the soft orange lighting. “I don’t recognize it offhand, but if you give me a few days…”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want,” Lilliya said. “It was just something that had me interested.”

“I would be happy to,” Forra said, beaming. “I have been studying so much of the historical documents, it would be nice to solve a little mystery like this.”

“Well, I’m full of mystery…apparently,” she muttered. “Thank you, Forra. I really enjoyed talking with you. I’ll see you soon.”

Lilliya quickly left Forra in the library to hunt down the group of Jedi students being led by Master Skywalker. She ran down the stony path, kicking up dust behind her. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was running for or what even inspired her to suddenly act so excitedly. She only knew that she had to hurry.

She saw a group of people up ahead, nearby the jungle’s edge, and picked up her pace.

“What are you in such a hurry for?” A man’s voice made her stop short, a dusty cloud swirling around her feet.

Lilliya looked to her right to see Ben Skywalker leaning up against an irregular stone sculpture. Lilliya hesitated. He looked casual and relaxed, his expression seeming innocently curious. This was the first time he had spoken to her since they’d arrived, so she felt a little uneasy and suspicious.

“Uh,” she stumbled, “I was trying to catch up with the rest of the students.”

Ben glanced over at the group, then looked back at her, his blue eyes penetrating. “I thought you didn’t believe in any of that Jedi stuff,” he said.

Lilliya hesitated again, wondering about his motives. “I thought I’d give it another chance,” she said, smiling weakly. “It seems to work for them.” She gestured to the group of students, who were now standing on their hands. “What about you? Why aren’t you with them?”

He shrugged, then turned to look at them before answering. “I’m taking a break. It’s been a while since I used the Force. Gets a little overwhelming at times.”

“I didn’t realize you’d stopped,” she said, cocking her head to the side.

“Oh, yeah,” he grumbled. “I was a Jedi Knight. Then I decided a life of pain and suffering wasn’t a life I wanted to live.” His blue eyes twinkled in her direction. “I’m only here for the sake of my father. To please him somewhat in picking up my training.”

“Well that’s awfully nice of you,” Lilliya said. She wondered why he had decided to open up to her now after blatantly avoiding her for days. It was funny that after days of wishing he would talk to her, now she didn’t want anything to do with him. “I think I’d better get going.”

“Yes, of course,” he said, pushing himself off the sculpture and moving closer to her. “Sorry for keeping you. I’m sure you’ll be able to catch up with the lessons in no time.”

Lilliya was about to leave, then stopped herself, turning slowly to look Ben in the eye. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He feigned innocence, smiling ever-so slightly. “I’m sure a girl as talented as you can pick up the traits of a Jedi very quickly. You know, like levitation, lightsaber fencing, being able to sense an attacker’s next move, being able to sense someone’s presence in the Force… That sort of thing.”

Lilliya frowned, crossing her arms across her chest. “I never said I had the Force. But Luke Skywalker seems to believe that I do. I figured I’d try it out.”

“Yes, my father has a lot of faith in the strangest of peoples,” Ben murmured.

“What exactly is your problem?!” Lilliya burst out. “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but this is ridiculous. You haven’t said a word to me in days and now you’re criticizing me for wanting to actually participate in these lessons. Is there something you’re not telling me? Something I need to know?”

Ben stared at her for what seemed like an eternity. Something flickered in his gaze, but she couldn’t quite place it. It was quickly shielded by his critical glare.

“You’d better get over there,” he muttered.

“Oh that’s fine!” Lilliya exclaimed, her diamond scar growing a dark red. “Sure, why not. Don’t answer me. I love these guessing games anyhow. Just let me know when you wanna have another conversation about how I don‘t belong here. About how, maybe, I don’t belong anywhere. You know where to find me.” She stormed off in the direction of the students. Some of them were surprised by her approach and fell from their hand-stands to their sides. Lilliya was so angry, she didn’t even notice all the stares.

“Lilliya?” Luke said, standing from his sitting position. “Is there something wrong?” As he spoke, the small group of students began to lower themselves from their hand-stand positions.

“No, not at all,” Lilliya said, her tone a tad bit higher than usual. She forced a smile. “I just thought I’d join in on the exercise.”

Luke looked confused. He could see the anger in her eyes and the strange diamond scar glowing a dark red. “Are you sure you can do it?”

Lilliya swallowed down her first response and opted for another one. “Of course. I’ve done hand-stands since I was six.”

She heard some of the students whisper to each other, but ignored whatever it was they were saying.

Luke looked warily from his students to her. “This exercise takes a lot of concentration, Lilliya,” he said slowly, trying not to offend her. He saw Ben in the distance and already understood Lilliya’s sudden anger. “It’s more than just doing hand-stands. This is a levitation exercise. You will be trying to lift the object in front of you…with your mind.”

Lilliya’s anger seemed to abruptly subside and was replaced by chariness. She glanced from one student to the other, each one looking at her in anticipation.

“Well…” she hesitated. “I could try.”

Luke nodded slowly. “Yes, I suppose you could,” he said. “Everyone, please return to your positions.” The students obeyed, though some continued to watch Lilliya. Luke moved to where Lilliya was, standing in front of her.

“Now, this may be very difficult for you,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t planning on having you start at this level. But if you feel you’d like to try it, I will help you.”

Lilliya nodded.

“You’ll have to stand on your hands for longer than what is considered normal,” he instructed. “Once you have mastered it and feel confident you can remain in the position comfortably, then place your concentration on an inanimate object nearby you, preferably a rock or something similar. In order to do this, you must let go of any thought that plagues you. Let your mind empty.”

Lilliya looked as though she was going to argue, but she didn’t. Instead, she nodded, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Once she felt calm, she rocked onto her hands and head, then pushed her legs up until they pointed straight and up. Then she slowly lifted her head off the ground with her arms, biting her lips all the way. Lilliya hadn’t done something like this in months, much less keeping herself in a hand-stand, so the effort strained her forearms.

Luke stood close, lightly placing his hands on her knees to help her steady herself until the twitching in her muscles began to subside.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Fine,” she said through gritted teeth. The other students were already beginning to levitate their inanimate objects. She doubted she would get that far.

“Look up and focus on something,” he said. Lilliya had her head tilted back and was staring at the ground. “Keep your eyes on something ahead of you. Don’t look at anything else.”

Lilliya did as she was told, and felt her body nearly topple backwards, but Luke kept her in place. He held onto her until she seemed in control. “You got it?” he asked.

“Mm-hmm,” she mumbled, realizing this was a lot harder than she imagined. Sweat began to trickle down her cheeks and into her eyes.

“Now…” Luke murmured, “let your mind go. Feel everything around you, the ground, the trees, the cool air flowing around you, holding you…”

Lilliya’s gaze went blank as she concentrated on Luke’s words. Her crystal necklace bumped against her face repeatedly as she held her balance.

“There is nothing but you and the life surrounding you, flowing through you, becoming apart of you.” His voice was like warm silk, hypnotic, seductive. He watched her intently, gauging her strength and focus. His hands hovered near her legs, ready for her to falter. She seemed to steady, and to Luke’s mild surprise, was able to keep her balance, even though the simple task of staying in a hand-stand was a difficult one to master for the average person.

Luke also let his mind wander through the Force, searching for Lilliya’s presence somewhere amidst his students. He pushed farther, focusing on the area where Lilliya existed physically. There was nothing but emptiness where she stood. He focused deeper and realized that not only did she not exist, but the immediate space was vacant of any life. Normally he would be able to feel the atoms of life resting around her, but he felt nothing. A small circumference of a void existed where she was, as though she repelled the Force’s touch. He searched for anything, a glimmer of a thought, a strain in the Force, and still he failed to feel her presence.

Lilliya felt her body heat rise as she struggled to keep her position. She knew her muscles weren’t twitching in rebellion anymore, but she could feel herself weakening. She focused on a nearby rock to keep from looking elsewhere and forced her heart rate to slow. But it didn’t. In fact, she could feel her heart quicken with every intake of breath. Her body seemed to be on fire now, every muscle aching to be let down. And there was something else.

She felt something pushing on her, weighing her down with every second. She tried to ignore it, but the pressure kept coming, harder, more unbearable. Dizziness seemed to be clouding her vision and she wondered if she could hold out much longer.

A hot pulsing began to spread from her gut to her chest and something searing hot pressed against the side of her forehead, but she dared not look away from the rock. However, she couldn’t help but notice a bright, glaring light distorting her vision. Something bright grew brighter to the point of nearly blinding her. She could no longer see the rock.

Lilliya stopped breathing as she realized she was going to lose it. Whatever was blinding her was burning her forehead and the invisible pressure she fought against was making her sick. She was vaguely aware of someone saying her name, but all she heard was a loud humming. Lilliya focused harder on the rock, squinting her eyes as she fought against the blinding light. Then, suddenly, the pressure seemed to be loosening up, and when it seemed it would disappear, she pushed.

“Stop!” Someone shouted in the distance. “Whatever you’re doing, stop!”

Lilliya blinked and lost it. The dizziness took her and she fell backwards, landing hard on her spine and head. She thought she heard someone vomiting in the distance, but was too dizzy to open her eyes.

“What happened?” she mumbled through a dry mouth. She felt a hand against her arm, shaking her awake. No one answered her, so she rubbed her eyes open and was glad to see the light was gone and the dizziness had subsided.

Luke was sitting beside her and it was his hand that gripped her arm.

“What’s wrong?” she asked again. But as she pushed herself up on her elbows, she didn’t need an answer. She saw it. All the students who had just recently been standing erect on their hands, were now crouched over on their knees, vomiting. When one of them was able to stop, they started exclaiming to Luke in shock.

Luke didn’t meet Lilliya’s confused stare. He watched his students doubling over in nausea. He also had a hand gripping his stomach as if he was going to be sick too.

Finally, after the students’ sickness decreased, Luke stood up and ordered a recess for everyone to recover.

Lilliya remained in her sitting position, watching the students drag themselves away, some of them glaring at her as they passed.

Luke stared down at Lilliya, a mixture of confusion and worry contorting his face.

Lilliya gulped nervously. She had no idea what had happened and she was afraid to find out.

“Can I ask you something?” Luke said, after many minutes of silence.

Lilliya nodded.

“Where did you get that necklace?”

Lilliya glanced down at the crystal that laid against her chest. It sparkled dully in the sunlight.

“I’ve had it since I was a child,” Lilliya said. “I don’t know where it came from.”

Luke stared at her, his blue eyes scrutinizing. “You wear it all the time?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think you could not wear it once in a while? Maybe not wear it during training.”

Lilliya gulped. The very idea made her nervous for some reason. “Why?”

“Something happened here today that I can’t explain. I’d never seen anything like it. And I’ve got a hunch it is connected to that crystal,” he explained, crouching down on his knees to look her straight in the eye.

“I’ve never really taken it off. It’s kind of apart of me,” Lilliya said quietly.

“You know,” Luke started slowly, “there are some crystals in this galaxy that have their own…power, so to speak. The crystals we use in our lightsabers, for instance, have a very unique strength within the Force, almost a life of their own. And there are other much larger crystals that can contain the Force, or magnify it. Then, just a moment ago, while you were exercising a levitation technique, your crystal started to glow. Very bright.

“Then out of nowhere, everyone started getting sick. I nearly vomited myself. I’d never seen anything like it.”

“I’ve seen it glow,” Lilliya explained softly, nervously, “from time to time. It doesn’t very often, but it has in the past. I never understood it. Never questioned it. But I can tell you that I felt something too. Something like pressure, or smothering. It was making me sick, but then I pushed against it.”

“You pushed?” Luke repeated.

“Yes, kind of, I guess. At least, I imagined I was pushing against whatever was smothering me…”

A new kind of worry flashed across Luke’s face. He sat silent for a moment, staring at Lilliya with a strange curiosity. Then he held out his hand and helped her to her feet.

“Could you not wear your necklace tomorrow?” he asked.

Lilliya hesitated, panic flashing in her eyes, and Luke saw her diamond scar turn a dark purple, almost like a deep bruise.

“I always wear it…” she said, her throat closing up in fear.

Luke frowned at her, curious as to why she was so afraid. “Why is it such a problem?” he asked.

But before Lilliya could answer, Ben suddenly showed up.

“Dad,” he said, his voice sounding concerned. “The students are going crazy in the mess hall. A lot of them are scared or angry and are shouting about—” he looked at Lilliya, “—something.”

Luke sighed, glancing from his son to Lilliya. “Excuse me, Lilliya,” he said gravely. “I have to take care of this.” Luke turned and left, leaving Lilliya standing in shock. Ben stood by Lilliya, staring at her for a minute before turning to leave as well. Lilliya watched the two Skywalkers disappear down the dirt path, her ivory hand unconsciously gripping her crystal charm, knuckles white.

 

 

Another week went by, much slower this time, and still no word from TwinSuns Squadron. Although Lilliya worked hard at keeping up with the other students—running miles along side of them, solving mazes deep below the Temple—she had to quit when faced with anything that involved the Force. Luke suggested she meditate during those hours and try to tap into the Force that way.

Lilliya didn’t know what to look for, and she didn’t believe she would ever find it, but she was thankful for the activities. They kept her mind distracted from the real threat that lurked deep inside of her.

The other students stayed away from her, blaming her for the reason they all got sick. Luke worried this would cause too much tension among his young students, especially among those he felt could be more prone to the dark side. He and the other Jedi Masters watched every student carefully for any signs of emotional instability. There were many that disliked her, merely because she repelled the Force away from her, a mystery Luke still hadn’t solved.

Luke met with the other Masters every night to discuss Lilliya and the mysteries she brought to their attention. He felt himself becoming obsessed with her and needed time to himself to meditate. He had ordered the other Masters to take over for him so that he could meditate privately for days.

Lilliya wondered why Luke had disappeared and felt vulnerable because of it. The other Masters seemed wary of her as well, not like Luke, who acted confident and comfortable around her. With the students hating her, the Masters nervous of her, and Ben Skywalker making her feel like an intruder, Lilliya fell deeper into a depression she feared she could never escape.

It was midday, and Lilliya sat cross-legged under a canopy, eyes closed and meditating. The other students were sparring with their lightsabers in the open space right outside the jungle’s edge. The Masters had retired for an hour, disappearing inside the Jedi Temple. Ben, though he now participated in every other exercise, also excused himself during the lightsaber fencing, disappearing into the jungle.

It was hot out this time of day and Lilliya felt sticky in her tan jumpsuit. Her crystal seemed to dig up against the skin of her chest in irritation. These days she hid the necklace beneath her clothing, rather than leaving it behind like Luke had asked. She forced herself not to fidget as a droplet of sweat trickled down the side of her face. She could hear the lightsabers humming and vibrating, clashing together in loud electrical surges. Some of the students liked to talk during their sparring, murmuring things like, let the Force flow through you, or feel your opponent, sense his thoughts…

Lilliya felt a cynical smile curl on her lips. Let it flow through you, she thought. Right! What a bunch of sith—

“Hey, you.” A man’s voice suddenly broke Lilliya’s reverie. She let her eyes slowly open and saw Pell, a male human standing in front of her, lightsaber humming in hand. Lilliya moaned. Like Ben, this particular human also made her life miserable. Except that he made it a point every chance he got that she shouldn’t be there.

“What do you want?” Lilliya said, sighing in defeat. There was no point in making it a fight…again.

Pell flipped his long blonde hair out of his eyes and smiled sardonically. He was not an unattractive man, but the nasty looks he always shot at Lilliya made him appear hideous.

“Lilliya,” he said, his voice riddled with sarcasm. “Have you ever wielded a lightsaber?”

“No,” she said, closing her eyes and assuming the conversation was closed.

“Why don’t you join in with us?” he pushed.

Lilliya opened her eyes again, glaring up at Pell. The other students watched her warily, some of them whispering to each other. Otherwise, everyone had stopped practicing, all attention on her and Pell.

“What are you trying to do?” Lilliya asked, her voice lowering to a threatening growl.

“I’m sure, with all your combat training, that you could handle a simple lightsaber,” he said, twirling his lightsaber around casually.

“My combat training didn’t include fencing…or lightsabers,” Lilliya grumbled. “Besides, you know I’m not supposed to mess around with those things.”

“I don’t recall anyone saying you couldn’t practice with one?” Pell said. “Come on, Lilliya. I’m giving you a challenge you can’t refuse.”

“Sure I can,” Lilliya rolled her eyes. “And I don’t need to prove myself to you.”

Pell raised his eyebrows. “Really? Then why are you here? You’ve pretty much failed at every other Jedi task, sitting out and meditating. Meditating what, I wonder? You can’t feel the Force like the rest of us. Your mere presence is an insult and a distraction, and a waste of your time.”

Lilliya’s eyes flashed darkly, her diamond scar burning red.

“You know it too,” Pell continued casually. “You know you’re wasting your time here when you could be off doing something with your life. You’re no Jedi. You can’t use the Force, yet you pretend to be like us. And for what?” Pell moved closer, crouching down to his knees to peer at her more directly. “Because…you want to prove something. Maybe you want to prove something to Master Skywalker. You know, it’s because of you that he’s not here right now. You’ve taken up all his time. Why? What is it that you want to prove?”

Lilliya pushed herself off the ground, standing straight and threatening. She had had enough of Pell. “All right,” she growled. “You want to play, you got it. If it’ll only make you shut up.”

Pell laughed mockingly. The other students began to crowd around nervously, still keeping their distance.

“There she is,” he murmured. “Now you’re awake. Someone hand me a lightsaber.” He looked towards the crowd.

“I don’t think this—” Someone said, but Pell cut him off.

“Nobody asked for your opinion, Danican. Just hand me the lightsaber.” Danican hesitated, then unwillingly tossed the deactivated lightsaber into Pell’s hand. Pell then passed it on to Lilliya who gripped the handle tightly. She gulped anxiously, realizing that this was probably a really bad idea. Still, she ignited the lightsaber, a blue blade snapping to life.

Pell brandished his white-blue one menacingly. Then saluted Lilliya.

Lilliya didn’t bother with the salute, rather she smacked her blade against his, swatting it away.

And then it began.

White-blue blades collided in crackling hisses. One was more fluid than the other. Lilliya was clumsy, barely keeping out of the way of Pell’s blade. She fought against him, using only her instincts, wondering nervously how it would end.

Pell laughed as he barely used his full strength on her, letting her gain the lead, then backing her up again and again. It was like a predator playing with his prey, knowing that, in the end, he would win.

The crowd of students began to grow as others from other groups joined in. They stayed silent as they watched, fearful of the outcome, and fearful of being found out by their Masters.

Lilliya felt her heart rate quicken as panic filled her veins. She was tiring, constantly dodging Pell’s blazing blade. She almost thought she felt the ends of her hair singe when the blade got too close.

“You’re not getting tired, are you?” he laughed. “I’m barely out of breath!”

Lilliya gritted her teeth angrily, swinging her blade around at his midsection, trying to push him back. She knew this was dangerous and that either one of them could lose a limb or worse. Pell was able to parry and dodge every swing she made with ease.

“I will say this,” he said, smiling, “you could be a challenge. I can’t sense where you will attack next. But, you are too predictable. Try changing it up.”

“What?” Lilliya puffed, trying to catch her breath. “You’re giving me pointers?” She slashed at him again; Pell batted it away with one hand. He began to back her up towards one of the stone walls.

“Why not? I want to make this more interesting.” He feigned a yawn.

Lilliya thrust her blade at him with a one-handed grip, but Pell knocked it easily, the hilt ripping from her hand. It bounced to the ground, deactivating automatically.

“All right, Pell, you win,” Lilliya said, holding her hands up defensively.

But Pell didn’t stop. He charged at her, swinging at her head. Lilliya had to duck and roll to get out of the way. Fear was caught in her throat as she realized Pell didn’t want to stop. She wondered how far he would go. It would be a shame if she died by accident at the hands of a Jedi student, after all she’d survived from.

“Come on, Pell. She’s unarmed,” Lilliya heard one of the students say.

Pell didn’t seem to be hearing them, though. She saw in his eyes a dark rage that frightened her. He couldn’t really be planning on killing her, could he? She knew that Pell didn’t like her, but she didn’t realize his anger was so strong.

Pell swung at her legs this time and Lilliya jumped, missing the blade. She stepped further back from him, but he wouldn’t let up. He swung again, more towards her waist. Lilliya rolled to her side, close enough to kick out her leg and bash her heel into the side of his knee.

That took him by surprise as he toppled over to one side, nearly losing his lightsaber. If wanted unpredictable, he would get it, Lilliya thought.

She took the moment’s pause to see if she was close enough to reach her lightsaber. She wasn’t and Pell was back on his feet before she had a chance to escape.

He swung again, nearly nicking her arm. She felt the heat of the blade brush her skin as she ducked out of the way. Then, out of nowhere, something punched her in the gut, an invisible force shoving her backwards and against the stone wall. She coughed for air.

Pell moved in, brandishing his lightsaber.

Lilliya peered at him through blurry eyes. Was he really going to kill her? It was the only thought that registered in her dazed mind. This can’t be the way it ends…

Fear rolled inside her, flooding through her and down her limbs, to her fingertips and toes. She couldn’t think straight. All she could see was a blinding blue blade flashing in front of her. She felt heat burning her skin, numbing her senses.

Pell had thrown the blade in her direction, towards her head. Lilliya saw it coming, and all of a sudden the air inside of her vanished. Her lungs collapsed, her vision went white, her skin was on fire, and she felt a rushing sensation, as though she was being pulled through a liquid very, very fast.

Pell’s lightsaber nicked the stone wall an inch above Lilliya’s head, or at least, where Lilliya’s head would have been.

She was gone. Her body had vanished literally into thin air. The lightsaber had fallen to the ground, deactivating, since Pell didn’t call it back to his hand. Pell stood in absolute shock, staring at the place where Lilliya should have been. The crowd was silent for what seemed like forever.

A second later, somebody gasped.

Pell turned to see who it was, but found Lilliya standing directly behind him. She did a double-spin, kicking him square in the chest. He flew back hard against the rock wall, his head snapping back against the stone, knocking him out cold.

Lilliya stood shaking, staring at Pell’s limp body. She felt cold, colder than she’d ever been. And completely horrified.

The students stared at her in repulsion. None of them moved, or could think of moving. All they could think of, all they could recall, was Lilliya’s body dissolving, disappearing, and a second later, reappearing behind Pell.

Nobody, no Jedi or Sith, or any species for that matter, could do that.

Lilliya fell to her knees, sucking in air like she had been drowning, clutching her arms. Then she heard the concerned murmuring, the heated whispers.

Lilliya glanced up to see Luke and Ben Skywalker at the front of the crowd. They had gotten there just in time to witness Lilliya’s transportation. The look on Ben’s face was one of pure disbelief, like he couldn’t comprehend what he just saw.

Luke also stood frozen in astonishment, his blue eyes unwavering.

Still, nobody moved, and Luke came to the disappointing conclusion that this young woman was more of a dilemma than they thought before. Now she was a social obstruction. Now she was a real threat.

The Revolution: Chapter 7

“I’m losing him,” Luke said, his voice a sad murmur in the darkened room. Leia sat by him, the two of them gazing out the large window, watching the last of the atmosphere fire shows. The banquet had ended an hour ago, but there were those that continued their own personal celebrations. Jaina, Han and some of the other TwinSuns pilots had gone out to one of the local cantinas. Han had, yet again, tried to persuade Luke to join them, but Luke graciously refused, explaining that the night had worn him out. Whereas, in reality, he was disturbed by his encounter with the new young woman and conflicted with his relationship with his son.

After Lilliya had passed out in his arms, Luke went to find Ben to see if he could convince him to come with Luke to Ossus, if only for a few months. He was able to find Ben inside his personal quarters. Ben was more aggravated than Luke expected him to be, and the conversation had quickly gone sour with no positive result in Luke’s favor. “I can’t even get him to listen to me for one minute.”

Leia sighed and took Luke’s hand in hers. “He’s just going through something,” she said. “And he needs to do it alone. He’s becoming a very talented pilot, you know.”

“I don’t have anything against him learning how to fly,” Luke said. “But he can get the same pilot training on Ossus and even better. He would be taught how to use his Force skills in conjunction with his physical training.”

“Ben has an aversion to the Force,” Leia said grimly. “It’s brought him nothing but pain…at least, that’s how he sees it.”

Luke’s jaw clenched and he forced himself not to say anything. He wanted to say, “everybody goes through pain in life whether you have the Force or not,” but the pain Ben had experienced, he experienced before he was out of his own mother’s womb. That mother, he lost to his mentor and cousin, Jacen. Luke could understand, he could sympathize, but he still refused to accept that his only son had disowned the way of the Jedi. Ben was his only son, after all.

“I wish I could help him,” Luke finally said, a wave of sadness rolling over him.

They stayed silent for a long time. Leia was busy thinking, however, and thinking hard. She was trying to think of a way to make her brother happy, to convince Ben to go to Ossus. All the while, Lilliya kept popping up in her mind and then she couldn’t stop thinking of her.

“I have an idea,” Leia said, turning to look at Luke. “What do you think of bringing Lilliya with you?”

Luke frowned, then immediately shook his head no. “I don’t think so…”

“Wait a minute, before you completely knock down my idea,” she said. “Maybe bringing her to the Jedi Temple, being surrounded by Jedi, will help shed light on what she is. She isn’t Yuuzhan Vong, I believe that now. If she were an intruder, she had her chance at the Crystal Ballroom to kill a lot of important officials, but she didn’t.

“Of course, she did have tight security on her, but even still, if she was a walking Vong bomb, she would have exploded by now. If she was a spy, she would have found a way to infiltrate the Alliance security network. Her identification checks out, and if we weren’t so adept in the Force, we wouldn’t be questioning her identity at all.

“There is something very different with her. I have a feeling…she is something we’ve never encountered before. I sense she is harmless, for now. But what if something changed in her, something we couldn’t possibly predict because we are blind to her?” Leia shook her head, uncomfortable with the thought of being attacked totally unawares. This must be how “normal” people felt all the time.

“No,” she said, reaffirming her plan. “We must find her out, understand her and know what and who exactly she is. She isn’t entirely human, but you and I are the only ones that know this. Other than the MD droid, of course. And I have a feeling that she doesn’t know it either.”

Luke sat silent, seeming to take it under consideration. And then he said, “How does this have anything to do with convincing Ben to come with me?”

“If I can get Ben to go to Ossus, you have to take Lilliya too,” Leia said, a slow smile curling up on her lips.

“You’re starting to sound more and more like your husband,” Luke grumbled, shaking his head in defeat.

Leia shrugged. “We are one in the same.”

“I’d like to know how you’re going to convince Ben,” Luke said.

Leia flashed a bright, mischievous smile, making her appear much younger and youthful. “I have my ways…”

 

There was a loud knock on the door and someone continuously pressed the door chime, till Ben finally pulled himself out of bed, angry and half asleep. He only wore shiny black pants that dragged slightly against the floor and didn’t care to cover his torso. Whoever was waking him at one in the morning had better have a damn good excuse.

He pressed the glowing blue button and the front door hissed open.

Jaina was standing outside the door, her hair a little disheveled, and her breath smelling of Corellian ale. Gavin and Wess were standing a little ways down the corridor, laughing quietly to themselves. The others must have gone home.

“This better be good,” Ben grumbled to his older cousin.

“It’s always good to chat with Benny,” Jaina smirked, as she leaned against the door panel. “I’ve come on a mission from Mom. But I’m not supposed to tell you that.” She snorted a laugh, shaking her head at herself.

“Are you drunk?” Ben said, more irritated now that he was woken up by his drunken cousin and that this also wasn’t the first time she came home like this. “Don’t you have to leave early for Endor tomorrow.”

She barked a laugh again. “Aw, Ben, you know I don’t need sleep. Besides, I’m not nearly as drunk as you think. Can I come in?”

“Maybe you should go to bed and get some rest,” Ben said, blocking the door frame with his muscular size, towering above the smaller frame of Jaina.

“Don’t need it,” Jaina said, brushing the suggestion off with a wave of her hand. “And besides, we need to talk. It’s important.”

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Ben said, hoping maybe that would make her go away.

“Actually, no it can’t. You and I—we need to talk—right now.” When she emphasized now, suddenly her drunkenness seemed to disappear into total seriousness.

Ben forced himself not to say anything, pressing his lips together firmly. What could possibly be so important as to have a discussion in the middle of the night? And Jaina didn’t seem like she would be persuaded to leave. So he decided to let her in to get the “talk” over with as soon as possible.

“I won’t be long guys,” Jaina called out to Gavin and Wess. “Don’t go anywhere without me.” They waved at her as the sliding door hissed shut behind her.

“All right, what’s the problem?” Ben turned to her, leaning up against one of the lounge chairs.

Immediately and very surprisingly, Jaina went from being sloppy intoxicated to a deadpan sober. She didn’t move from the front entrance.

“The problem is you,” Jaina said, her voice clean of the inebriation.

That took Ben completely off-guard and he quickly jumped on the defensive. But before he could say anything, Jaina cut him off with a raise of her hand.

“Look, Ben,” she said, her tone low and serious. “I love you. You’re like a brother to me, and you know that. You and I have been through a lot of grish together and sometimes I still can’t believe we’re standing here alive.

“So with that said, there are a lot of things that I want to discuss with you, mainly about your situation with your dad.”

Ben stood up abruptly, understanding quite perfectly where the conversation was leading, and he wasn’t going to stand for it. “Oh, no. Not you too!” He whirled around to glare angrily out towards the glittering cityscape to gather his thoughts. He wasn’t prepared for this argument, that was for sure. “Come on, Jaina, you know I don’t want anything to do with the Jedi Academy.”

“It’s not just that you don’t want to go to Ossus with Luke—which is something I think you really need to do,” Jaina continued, still standing in the same spot, hands on her hips. “It’s the fact that you and Luke don’t act like father and son anymore. You guys barely talk and when you do actually speak to each other, it turns into an argument.”

“That’s because he won’t ever listen to me—”

“Oh, please!” Jaina interrupted with sudden fervor it shocked Ben into silence. “I am sick of hearing about this. You’re the one not listening and you know how I know this? Cause Luke has had years of training to be a good listener. It’s called JedI patience. And I also know you and how you argue. Besides no one wants to hear about your troubling, adolescent issues.”

Ben shot an icy glare in her direction, but then it suddenly turned pained.

Jaina took a deep breath as she watched her younger cousin sag in misery and forced herself to calm her own heated temper. Unclenching her fists, she slowly moved over to her silent cousin and leaned against the window opposite of him so that she could look him straight in the eye. His gaze never left the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Jaina said finally. “That was uncalled for.” She waited for him to respond and look up, but he didn’t.

When she spoke again, her voice was softer, more sympathetic. “Luke needs you, Ben. Badly. He needs to have his son at his side. You’re all he has. You should know this more than anyone.”

Ben looked up, but didn’t meet Jaina’s gaze, rather he stared off into the cityscape again.

“You owe him these few months, at least,” Jaina said, and her tone sounded more pleading.

Ben sat silently for a minute, lost in thought. “What about my classes?” he finally said. “I can’t just not show up.”

“Actually, Mom has that all taken care of,” Jaina said, perking up casually. “She already requested a temporary leave of absence in your name.”

Ben’s eyes lit up in anger again, but he quickly pushed the feeling aside, not wanting to add to the already uncomfortable argument. Instead, he said, “Isn’t that illegal.”

“Yeah, sure, but Mom has her ways. And she figured you really wouldn’t make a court case out of it.”

Ben rolled his eyes. Of course he wouldn’t. What was he going to do, sue his aunt and the President of the Alliance?

“I guess I never really had a choice then, did I?” Ben muttered.

“With Mom involved?” Jaina laughed. “Not really.” Jaina pushed herself off the glass and made her way to the front door. Ben followed.

“I’m not gonna like this,” Ben admitted.

“Nobody said you had to like it,” Jaina said, pressing the blue button to let herself out. Gavin and Wess waited in the corridor. Jaina spun around suddenly to Ben. “Oh, and before I forget. You’re also flying with Lilliya Tentle. She’s going to Ossus too.”

“What?!” Ben nearly shouted.

Jaina ignored his outburst. “Surprisingly enough, she was much harder to convince than you were. She’s got nothing here, so I assumed it would be easy. Turns out, she’s not too fond of JedI either. Funny—you two seem to have a lot in common. You guys should get along nicely.” That last comment came out more sarcastic than Jaina meant it to.

“You seem to have been busy tonight,” Ben said wryly.

“Unfortunately.” Jaina glanced back at her waiting comrades. “And now I’m gonna be more busy enjoying the rest of the night.”

“Why do I have to take her?” Ben said.

Jaina cocked her head to the side, bewildered by Ben’s distaste in Lilliya. “Why not?”

“I just get a bad feeling from her, that’s all,” Ben shrugged.

Jaina leaned in and peered closely at Ben as if she was going to tell a secret. “So does everyone,” she said matter-of-factly, then stepped back. “That’s why she’s going, though she doesn’t know it. She thinks she’s going for investigative purposes, so that the JedI could help in uncovering the mysterious new enemy we seem to have.”

Ben crossed his arms defiantly. “Well, you and Leia seemed to have this worked out perfectly. It’s a wonder if anyone gets a say in anything at all.”

Jaina smiled roguishly. “Then nothing would get done right. Pick up Lilliya at her apartment in the morning. Uncle Luke will already have left for Ossus, so it’ll just be the two of you.” She smiled again, but this time, much more insinuating. “Sounds like fun,” she said silkily. “Love you.”

With that, she turned on her heal and disappeared down the hall with Gavin and Wess.

Ben stood in the doorway for a couple minutes more before sliding the door shut.

 

***

 

Morning came swifter than Lilliya wanted. She could have used a couple more hours of sleep, but instead she forced herself out of bed to face the day she knew she would dread. In an hour, she was dressed in a simple grey jumpsuit and black knee boots, and was packed for the trip to Ossus. She didn’t know what compelled her to agree to go to a place full of JedI, but she also knew she had nothing to lose by going. What else was she going to do, be trapped inside this apartment and constantly followed by GP droids? Lilliya came to the conclusion that traveling to Ossus, despite its population consisting mainly of JedI, whom she thought creepy and disturbing, was better than being stuck on Coruscant.

Lilliya gazed out the large window, mesmerized by the heavy air traffic flowing in and out in perfect zigzag patterns throughout the city’s spires. The two suns gave the city a dull, metallic look, lacking any of the color it had the night before.

Three days ago, she would have been looking out at Endor’s lush greenery. Three days ago, she had a family and a career. Now, she had nothing. She was vaguely amazed at how much could change in just a day. She wondered what was to happen to her now.

The door chime snapped her out of her reverie and she strode over to open it. To her surprise, Ben Skywalker stood on the other side, tall and clad in a blue jumpsuit, typical of Academy pilots.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Hi,” Lilliya responded. “Where’s Luke Skywalker?”

“He left much earlier,” Ben said, and something close to irritation seemed to be struggling in his voice. “I’m supposed to take you to Ossus. You ready?”

Lilliya nodded, no longer certain if she wanted to go now. Shaking her uneasiness away, she grabbed a small bag of belongings she’d packed and followed Ben out. Again, to her surprise, the GP guard droids that stood at attention outside her door didn’t follow her this time. It felt like she was being released from prison.

It took about ten minutes for them to reach the docking bay where Ben’s small ship, a T4-9ner, brand new and sleek, sat waiting. Lilliya had heard a lot about them and mostly how they had yet to pass the air safety tests, meaning they weren’t entirely safe to fly because of how fast they were.

The two of them entered silently up the ramp and into the main cabin, Lilliya looking longingly at the little ship. She also always knew she wanted one.

“It’ll be just us two, but you can sit the trip out in here if you’d like,” Ben said, gesturing to the blue and silver swivel chairs that were bolted to the deck around a small lounge table. “Or there are the bed cabins down the hall there if you’d rather sleep on the way.”

“Sleep is tempting, considering I didn’t get very much of it,” Lilliya responded, glancing down the skinny pathway towards where a two bunk beds were hidden behind privacy doors. She assumed they were very claustrophobic, as were most bunks within ships this size. “I think I’d rather be up front in the cockpit. Much more comfortable that way.”

Ben shrugged, but Lilliya could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment. Maybe he wanted to spend the trip alone, but Lilliya never did like someone else flying her when she could do it herself. So he would have to deal with her company for a few hours.

Ben made his way to the cockpit—it was only a few steps more—with Lilliya close behind. The two sat in the forward chairs, Ben in the pilot’s seat and Lilliya in the co-pilot’s. The seats were comfortable and luxurious, melding to each of their body form and weight. Lilliya assisted Ben with the ignition and they were off in just a few minutes. The ship hummed quietly as it sped through Coruscant’s grey atmosphere, Lilliya watching the skyscrapers disappear beneath them, and burst out into the blackness of space. Security recognized Ben’s ship immediately so it didn’t take them long to get through and ignite into lightspeed.

The two sat side by side in awkward silence. Ben glanced over in Lilliya’s direction and noticed her long golden hair, laying in curls around her shoulders, and turned to silver once the stars’ lights no longer reached her.

“You weren’t kidding about your hair,” Ben said, breaking the dull silence. “That is an interesting trait you got going on there.”

Lilliya fingered one of her curls, glancing down at the opulent silvery color. “Yeah, it’s definitely something I’ve never been able to figure out,” she said, glancing in Ben’s direction shyly. “Among the many other things…”

Ben raised an eyebrow. He wondered exactly what she meant by that. The thought that went through his mind was the fact that she was invisible to the Force. Was she referring to that? Probably not.

“So, uh, tell me about yourself,” Ben said, forcing himself to make conversation. It was going to be a long trip and if she wasn’t going to ride it in the main cabin, then he’d better make something of her presence.

Lilliya shrugged, smiling crookedly. “There’s not much to tell,” she said softly. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, you’re a pilot, for one. Where’d you train?”

“My dad started teaching me to fly when I was a kid. He taught me everything I know. We lived most of the time on Endor, at the base, once it was established. Before that, I lived on Coruscant. But when my mother died…we moved.”

Ben was silent for a second. The two of them were staring off into the streaking light field. “What happened to your mother?” Ben asked.

Lilliya sighed, trying to recall the memory. It had been so long ago. “I remember that she was really sick, suddenly. My dad had her see so many doctors from all over, but none of them could give him a straight answer. They all said the same thing, ‘they’d never seen anything like it.’ She died in a week from the first day she got sick. It was…strange. One day she was perfect, the next…” Lilliya shrugged, remembering why she didn’t think about the memory in the first place. She was six at the time, but she never could fully recover from the loss of the mother. “I was really little and so I blamed it on myself for a long time.”

Ben frowned, but didn’t say anything. He continued to stare out the view screen. His expression was somber, from what Lilliya could tell.

“What about you?” Lilliya said, trying to turn the attention away from her. She could already feel the depression creeping up on her and she really didn’t want to deal with it. “Tell me about yourself.”

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I study at the Coruscant Flight Academy. My dad’s a JedI Master. That’s about it.”

Lilliya raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “Interesting. I would think you would have a whole novel to tell me.”

Ben shrugged indifferently, not meeting her gaze.

“Are you a JedI too?” Lilliya asked.

Ben’s jaw twitched. “Not anymore,” he said.

“You had that lightsaber,” Lilliya pointed out, but hoped it wouldn’t bring back any hard feelings about her intrusion into his home.

“Yeah, it’s more like decoration,” he said. “Or a reminder.”

“A reminder of what?” Lilliya prodded.

Ben glanced at her in irritation, and then quickly flickered his gaze back out the view screen. “Of stuff I don’t want to get involved in anymore.”

Lilliya was taken aback. “Really? Then why are you going to Ossus?”

Ben exasperated a sigh. “I owe someone.”

“Like who?”

Ben turned a look on her that meant “none of your business” and Lilliya dropped the subject. The two sat in silence again, the ship’s gentle humming being the only sound in the cockpit. Ben began to twitch in his seat agitatedly.

“There’s food in the cabin behind us and hologames, if you’re interested,” Ben said, breaking the silence.

“Are you hungry?” Lilliya asked.

“Well, no,” Ben said, nervously glancing away from her. “But I mean, if you are? I thought I’d let you know you’re welcome to it…if you’re hungry…or bored.”

Lilliya stared at Ben curiously, then nodded slowly, understanding his meaning. He wanted her to leave the cockpit, to be farther from him. She felt her stomach get hot as frustration boiled inside her. A sardonic smile bent her lips.

“Why…” she said slowly, “do I get the feeling that you don’t like me very much? Is it because I was in your apartment?”

Ben didn’t answer or look in her direction.

Lilliya stared at him now, hoping that would get him to answer, if not annoy the sithspit out of him.

“You really don’t like me, do you?” Lilliya said, a little surprised and hurt by the idea.

Ben shot a glare at her, but he still refused to say anything. Although the icy look in his blue eyes said enough.

Lilliya felt heat crawl from her stomach and through her veins as she became flat out angry. She felt confused and offended that someone who barely knew her had already come to the conclusion that they didn’t like her. And for what? It angered her even more that she didn’t know why.

When Ben looked at her, he was surprised to see the strange diamond scar in her left eye flash a deep red.

“I think I’ll check out the hologames in the back,” Lilliya said darkly, her gaze not wavering from Ben’s.

“Sure,” Ben said quietly.

Without another word, Lilliya got up from her chair and calmly left the cockpit and Ben. They stayed apart like that for hours. Ben didn’t leave the pilot’s chair and Lilliya fell asleep in the main cabin, her head on the lounge table. It was the hyperdrive alarm, warning their arrival to Ossus, that woke Lilliya. She refused to not be present inside the cockpit during the landing, so she bit the insides of her cheeks and boldly walked back inside.

Ben glanced back in surprise, if only that he was reminded that there was another person on board, but quickly turned back to the controls. Lilliya slid quietly into the copilot’s chair as they came out of lightspeed.

Ossus was before them, a grey-brown of a planet. Much different than the green of Endor or the sparkling glitter of Coruscant. Once they were cleared by security, the ship began to make its dissent into Ossus’ atmosphere. It was daytime on the planet, which turned Lilliya’s silver hair back to gold.

They flew across desert, old brown forests, rocky cliffs, small grey lakes, until it seemed there wasn’t any civilization at all.

“Interesting place for a JedI establishment,” Lilliya muttered. “Pretty ugly.”

“Humph,” Ben sighed, turning the ship around a rocky bend and down a canyon where a small river ran. “Well, you’d better get used to it. This is where we’re staying for a few months.”

We?” Lilliya cocked an eyebrow in Ben’s direction.

Ben smiled cynically. “Yep. You and me. We’re gonna get to know each other really well. The academy is a pretty small place. Not much in the way of escape.”

Lilliya looked at Ben and allowed her expression to turn into a sour smile. “Great,” she muttered, and turned back to look out the viewport as they sped down the river. Suddenly, the cliffs and river seemed to drop off ahead of them, leaving only the blue skyline. As the ship got closer, she noticed the river dipped down into a massive waterfall. Lilliya’s sour expression slowly turned into astonishment.

Beyond the waterfall, past the rocky cliffs, there stood an impressive white and silver tower glowing in the center of a valley surrounded by a canyon and other falls. Birds of all kinds soared past them and disappeared into the jungle below. Lilliya could see little rivers flowing all throughout the wild green trees and flowers. Surrounding the glowing tower were little square-shaped structures she assumed were homes for those who resided here.

“Wow,” Lilliya whispered, as they circled the tower, its skin seeming to reflect into the cockpit. She couldn’t tell if there were windows or outlets along the outside. The material seemed so surreal. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“No one has,” Ben said. He set the ship down on one of the landing platforms at the edge of the tower. As soon as the ship powered down, Ben got up from his seat to gather his bags. When he left, Lilliya could have sworn she heard him give a nervous sigh. Before she went to get her things, she saw outside the cockpit’s window a gathering of people in various robes making their way to greet them. Lilliya gulped nervously as well.

She moved into the main cabin and grabbed the bag she had secured in one of the cubbies. Ben was already on his way down the ramp, so she had to hurry to catch up with him. He waved a short greeting at the group of robed people as Lilliya tried to stay close. The two entered through a double sliding glass door and into the central chamber of the tower. It was filled with people, and Ben was moving so fast Lilliya could barely keep up with him.

“Where are we going?” she called, her voice echoing in the reverberating chamber. Her voice nearly drowned out amongst all the other voices with people bustling around busily.

“Not sure where you need to be, but I’m heading off to my quarters,” Ben called back without stopping. “Good luck to you. See you around.” With that, he disappeared into the crowd.

Lilliya stopped following him and allowed herself to be engulfed in the crowd. She was beginning to wonder why she ever came. Someone bumped into her and she barely heard his or her apology. She also wondered why everyone was in such a hurry considering all the rumors she heard about the JedI Academy being a very peaceful place. Her first impression of it now was very hectic and confusing. She decided that she needed to find Luke Skywalker. Once she found him, everything would be okay.

“Excuse me,” she called to someone who moved by her, but they didn’t stop. So she continued down the hall, pushing herself through some of the congested passageways. “Excuse me,” she said again, and grabbed a male Bothan by the arm, her fingers sinking into his deep fur.

He turned and looked her up and down curiously.

“I’m looking for Luke Skywalker,” she said. “Can you tell me where I can find him?”

“He’s at the Cliff Sprie outside with his students,” the Bothan responded. “That way.” He pointed out towards an exit.

“Thanks,” Lilliya said and quickly made her way through and out of the congested lobby.

There were a lot less people here and it was much quieter, only the sounds of insects and wing-bearing animals could be heard. She started to walk in the direction of where the Bothan pointed and hoped that she wasn’t going in the wrong way. Or that she would get lost. Thankfully, she heard some voices in the distance as she walked down a stony path. As she neared, she saw about six people, all in tight-fitting jumpsuits, standing at the edge of a small cliff. Underneath the cliff was a river and across the gap was another cliff where more people stood waiting.

Lilliya held her breath as one of the students on her side jumped off the ground, flew into the air, and landed on the other side, clumsily falling to one knee. She was almost all the way to edge of the cliff, and at the end of the line of students, as each one made the jump. Some were more graceful than others and each time they leaped, Lilliya’s heart skipped a beat.

Finally, Lilliya was at the very edge and was close enough to see Luke Skywalker’s black-suited form on the other side. She was about to wave to catch his attention, but her foot caught a pebble that trickled over the edge of the cliff. She glanced down as she heard an electrical charge and noticed the pebble bouncing off a force field below.

Simultaneously, the last student to jump heard the crackle and glanced at Lilliya, was surprised to even see her standing next to him, and in mid-jump fell over the cliff’s edge.

Lilliya gasped and tried to reach out to him instinctively, and her heart stopped as she watched him fall, screaming all the way. And then he suddenly was caught by the force field, right above the river, and he lay there motionless.

Lilliya heard a synchronized moan emanate on the other side. She glanced up to see some of the other students shaking their heads and staring at her, confused about her presence. She felt her cheeks flush. Great entrance, she thought in annoyance.

In that moment, she heard something land in the gravel behind her. She turned and nearly fell backwards into the pit herself when she saw Luke Skywalker standing there.

“I didn’t do that,” she blurted, motioning towards the space where the last student had been. Then she wanted to smack herself for saying anything at all.

Luke smiled greatly, his sapphire eyes glittering in the hot sunlight.

“It’s all right, everyone,” he said, calling across the pit, and again she heard synchronized murmuring. “This is the guest I’d been telling you all about.” He glanced back at her, as she made a conscious decision to move away from the cliff’s edge. “I’m so glad you decided to come.” His smile creased his eyes, and suddenly Lilliya seemed to feel better immediately.

Lilliya heard more muffled landings as the students came back from across the pit. Even the boy who had fallen had already gained his strength back to levitate himself back to the group.

Luke stood beside Lilliya and gestured to his group of young students.

“I would like you all to meet Commander Lilliya Tentle,” Luke announced. “She will be with us for a few months, learning the ways of the JedI.”

Lilliya shot a surprised look at Luke, who seemed completely unaware. Suddenly, she didn’t feel so good anymore.

The murmur grew louder. The students were giving Lilliya a strange look that made her feel very exposed and very alien.

“Yes, I know it’s a little late to except a new student,” Luke continued, and Lilliya made a point to keep her mouth shut. “But I have strong hopes that Lilliya will become a great addition to the JedI.”

Lilliya’s jaw clenched tightly and willed herself to not throw a fit.

“Welcome, Commander,” one of the male students said, his voice smooth and chime-like.

Lilliya couldn’t seem to find her voice, so she just nodded in response.

“I think we can call for a recess today,” Luke said. “We will begin this exercise again tomorrow.”

The group dispersed immediately, some going off alone into the jungles, others going off in pairs towards the apartments and tower.

Lilliya, fists clenched, teeth grinding, met Luke’s smiling gaze.

“Well, now that you’re here,” he said, taking her bag from her hand. “Let’s get you settled in. I wasn’t sure if you were really coming, but I did reserve private quarters for you. This way.”

Lilliya followed him down the stone path and towards the grouping of small structures Lilliya had guessed were the apartments, still keeping her mouth shut.

Luke must have keyed into her silence and so kept talking.

“So did my son fly you here?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “He so conveniently ditched me in the lobby too.”

Luke cocked an eyebrow but didn’t comment. “I wasn’t sure if he was coming either. He must have gone straight to his quarters. I’m surprised you were able to find me.”

“I had to stop one of your students and ask,” she answered. “By the way, how come it’s like a field day in there? I could barely move.”

“You came on a convenient day,” he said. “Today was visitor day. As a JedI student, you don’t get to see your family too often, so today is when the family members can come see their son or daughter. A student isn’t technically aloud to leave in the middle of training.” Luke gave Lilliya sideways glance. “For various reasons, of course.”

“Well, it was like hell trying to get through there,” Lilliya grumbled. “What is that place anyhow?”

“That?” Luke glanced at the glowing tower. “Is the JedI Temple. It’s fascinating, isn’t it? The metal is made from the sentient planet called Zonama Sekot. The remaining Yuuzhan Vong reside there now, in peace.”

“Why does it glow?”

“It’s an enigma, but we think it’s because the metal is alive and filled with the Force. It emanates a light reflecting its life. Maybe its aura.”

They walked down another stone path surrounded by numerous flowers this time. The path cut through the small apartments and then Luke stopped at one of the doors, punching in a code and stepping into the studio. He set Lilliya’s bag on the plain metal desk that stood by the door.

Lilliya stepped in and looked around. The room was plain. It had one window looking out towards the other apartments and gardens. It had one bunk bed, a closet and a bathroom, and then the desk near the door. It was small and simple, and not unlike her bedroom on Endor. It fit her quite nicely, actually.

“I won’t be under house arrest here, will I?” Lilliya asked, as Luke made his way out the door.

He smiled. “No. You’ll be free to go anywhere you like without having any guard droids at your back. I’ll let you get settled in. All you need to do is relax for today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for you.”

“Oh, yes, about that,” Lilliya said, trying to keep the bottled up anger from entering her voice. “I was quite surprised that you volunteered me as a student. I was not told that was the plan when coming here. In fact, I was told something completely different.”

Luke’s smile faded for the first time, which kind of unnerved Lilliya. She had gotten so used to Luke having a smile plastered on his face. “You’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry about that. I assumed that you wouldn’t have any aversion to learning about our ways considering I sense in you the potential of being able to use the Force.”

Lilliya’s mouth nearly dropped. She remembered Jenar telling her that he thought she might have had the Force, but she really never took it seriously. As far as she was concerned, she’d much rather not have anything to do with it.

“I know that enrolling into the Academy is probably not an option for you at the moment,” Luke continued. “But if you would consider sitting in on some of our lessons and maybe trying one or two of them out…well, who knows?”

“I don’t know…” Lilliya shook her head, feeling very lost, confused, unprepared, and not in her realm at all.

Luke’s expression grew very solemn. “Look, Lilliya,” he said quietly. “I know what you’ve been through. I know how you must be feeling right now. Maybe this would be good for you. I don’t know what will happen today or tomorrow, but…what else…do you have?”

Lilliya’s diamond scar turned a dark green and she made herself shove away the flood of tears that threatened her. So this was why she was here. To give her something to do, to make her feel useful. And why not? She didn’t have anything or anybody anymore. She was a lost soul. A nobody. And he was right. They were all right. She had nothing left.

The rims around her eyes burned red as she fought back tears.

“There’s a data pad on the desk that’ll help you get to know the area and also has the training schedules logged into it, in case you change your mind,” Luke said. “In the meantime, we will be investigating the incident at Endor and will be asking you some questions that could help us. Right now, the TwinSuns squadron is on their way to the system. We should hear from them in a few days with an update.”

Lilliya nodded, not meeting Luke’s prominent gaze.

Luke frowned sadly, knowing how awful she must have been feeling. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but something pushed him away. He still couldn’t sense her presence, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t see her fighting back the tears. And yet, Luke could feel something else emanating from her. It was like warm liquid and the closer he got to her, the more it flowed over him like an intoxicating drug. This unnerved him. He had never felt this sensation coming from someone before, and especially someone who’s life signs didn’t exist in the Force. What worried him more was that no one else mentioned the warmth he felt radiating off of Lilliya. Leia mentioned she felt like she was being pushed away from her. So did Jaina, but the feeling wasn’t so strong. Ben said he couldn’t get a sense out of her at all, but that she reminded him of the ysalimiri, the species that strangely blocked the Force from reaching anyone who stood nearby.

Luke, however, felt a mixture of things, one of which was the warming sensation, and one that also matched everyone else’s description. To him, she resembled a light that seemed devoid of life. Not unlike the Jedi Temple and its glowing metal skin. Like she had the aura, but lacked the soul.

Luke noticed Lilliya fidgeting and decided he’d better leave her be.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said. “Whether you decide to join us in training or not. Get some rest and things we’ll start to shape up quicker than you think.”

Lilliya watched Luke go and continued to stare at the door even when it slid closed. All she knew was that her life had ended. She didn’t know the one she was leading now.