What do people do at four in the morning?

I’m up. Not just up, but wide awake. You would think that after a long, exhausting night at work I would have fallen asleep immediately. Instead, I’m tossing and turning, blowing my drippy nose, coughing, going to the bathroom, drinking some water, pushing my annoying cat out of the way of my face, then finally deciding to take a sleeping pill at around 4am.

After that, I went to the kitchen and got a Klondike bar, cookies and cream, and scarfed it down. Though I couldn’t taste it because I’m sick, so that didn’t really satisfy my craving.

Then, while I wait for the sleeping pill to kick in, I started surfing the web, but…there was nothing really interesting to surf through. So, here I am again, falling back on my blog to write another randomly, self-spilling, thoughtless rant that makes this more like a public diary for the whole world to see.

Not that there are that many people reading this particular blog. I know of only a few…

But seriously, I used to be a great sleeper, but now I find that my brain won’t stop spinning in crazy circles about solving THIS, or fixing THAT. And it won’t let me rest one bit.

So I’m gonna spill all the annoying thoughts on here so that maybe writing about it would help me vent out my brain so I can sleep, for the love of GRAPES! Yes, that is a very irritated and heated sentence. I would also like to point out that I’m writing this without my contacts so I’m relying solely on my fingers to not mess up while typing. Fingers lead the way cause I’m blind as a bat!

Hold on to yourself because I am going to write the next paragraph as one big run-on, thought flowing sentence so you can get an idea of how my brain would not SHUT UP! So here we go…

my cat is so cute all snuggly i’m so glad i brought him with me to california but i’d rather him not be in my face all the time when i’m trying to sleep i hate it when he climbs on the pillows while i’m sleeping it makes me think he’s gonna pee on them right on my face man i feel miserable man i hate being sick if my nose drips one more time i’m just gonna let it drip it’ll have to deal with it ugh i hate that feeling do i really have to blow my nose AGAIN yep okay so back to thinking about stuff that can help me fall asleep why hasn’t he called why was he so mean why do i feel this way did i do the right thing nope of course i didn’t i always screw everything up i can never do the right thing i always feel like i cant do the right thing with him i’ve apologized i think more times all together in my life to him than i have to anyone i think could be exaggerating but whatever that’s what it feels like i cant do anything right with him always making mistakes just like i treated chris oh no that’s how i treated chris made him feel like he never did anything right he always felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me which makes it obvious that we weren’t meant to be together but still i feel like i should write him a letter apologize i must be on an apologizing streak no that’s a bad idea let it stay in the past no need to touch it but wouldn’t that be okay wouldn’t it to just say i’m sorry to amend things to make things better yes and no and definitely not right now cause i’m being impulsive which i always am but when i’m impulsive with letters bad things tend to always happen i hate thinking about my ex boy am i lame could i be any lamer sleep sleep cat get off my fucking pillow dammit i hope i’m better tomorrow i wonder if he will call tomorrow i wish i had my best friend i wish i didn’t say anything how did he replace chris i hate saying i love you bad things always happens best to wait until its safe best to not do it thought that would be silly because then i would be a pathetic loser who couldn’t fall in love lame oh well and my period’s started so you would think i could think rationally nope guess not confused as always think i’m gonna close everything off now but still can’t sleep i feel nauseous damn period and stupid tampon i wonder if i’ve got toxic shock syndrome should i ever write chris an apology letter simple i’ve got it all worked out but why so i can be at peace with that but i can be by just letting it go two different states a new beginning a fresh start i can replace everyone and never have to look back again can i do that to him that text was so mean not like him that’s what i do to guys piss them off i really tried hard to focus on what i was saying i’m stupid though go figure leave it to me to say the wrong things i excel at that maybe he meant it as something else maybe he didn’t mean it to be mean always fucking things up over a text go figure i regret everything i shouldn’t have slept with my best friend i shouldn’t have let us get close like that i knew better but as always i think i’m above the norm outside the usual think i can survive it in the end i’m still human that keeps perfecting myself i must perfect myself must make things better with all people except for the ex should let that disappear under all the dust no need to uncover it wouldn’t matter apology wouldn’t matter his reaction would probably piss me off again again and remind me of things i shouldn’t remember holy shit its 4am fuck!

Okay, so there you have. If you were able to read through that entire jumble of pure unadulterated honesty, the window to my brain, then I applaud you. I’m finally feeling the sleeping pill kicking in…and it does feel somewhat better now that I’ve got most of that stuff off my brain. Aw man it’s 530am. You gotta be kidding me!

How do you choose the right vs the wrong?

When all is well and good, where I have successfully kept myself out of trouble, staying out of relationships, keeping myself safe from heartbreak, guarding my heart and controlling my feelings, I’ve realized that I let one slip through the gates.

What do you do when you’re faced with a difficult decision, confusing and depressing? Where you can’t make sense of what you’re feeling? When you don’t know what to do anymore, and the answer that once was so clear is now so skewed?

Making decisions can suck
Making decisions can suck

Human feelings can suck and screw with logic. No wonder Vulcans look down upon us so. When we are faced with something we don’t want to do, but know is best in the long run, we delay the inevitable. We hold on to what we know we’ll lose. We run from what we know is coming. All the while, we go on with our daily lives, pretending there’s nothing to choose from.

I’ve found that I am exactly in this annoyingly difficult situation. I always knew it would come some day, where I would have to let go of my best friend, but I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be. Considering I’ve been through a lot of hard “letting go” situations, I thought this one would be easier to deal with.

But of course, it’s not easy, and while I convince myself and my feelings that I don’t know what to do anymore, somewhere in the back of mind the answer is glaring at me. I just don’t like it. So I don’t listen.

I’ve always hated making the big decisions. I never feel like I’ll make the right one. There have been many times where I’ve felt like I made a big mistake. But I suppose that’s how it is in most cases. I seem to always choose the bumpy road versus the smooth one. Maybe it’s my personality. I like the challenge rather than the simple. Who knows?

So I’ll leave it all up to God. Won’t claim any responsibility… Just kidding. 😉

But things like this really are out of our hands, and we should just pray and hope the answer is near.