Tag: human

Who did WHAT to me?!?!

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

Below is a list of five people who impacted/affected my life within the past five years. Something I walked away with while knowing them.

Chris Cameron—motivation for academic straight-A’s when motivation was grim.

Marilyn Rodriguez—acquired the ability of defense (not taking shit).

Rachel Bruce—learned to listen.

Mathew Solace—learned to love…not necessarily romantic love, but unselfish love.

Anthony Garcia—real devotion and patience…not necessarily a strong trait in myself, but something I’m working towards because of.

Notice how I didn’t mention my parents. It’s because they could only teach me the general nuts and bolts of living. The rest, you begin to learn when learning from those outside your parental region.

Well, that’s my list, but there’s always more to come now that I’m meeting new people (like Michael Duisenberg—still learning…). S’why I love meeting new people. You never know what you’re gonna learn about yourself.

Who added to your learning of life? You’ll be surprised when you take the time to think about it.

The Revolution: Chapter 9 part 2

Christanna Rowader4 Comments

The darkness lasted for what seemed like seconds—not long enough—before Jaina felt the pain roll through her body as she slowly woke. There were voices, quiet and curious, but she couldn’t tell how many there were. On Endor, she thought she had died along with her team. To her dismay, it seemed they—whoever they were—decided to keep her alive.

“Is she awake?” Jaina heard a man’s voice say. She debated whether she should fake unconsciousness or not.

“Not sure,” another answered. “She should wake any second.”

“Send him in, then,” the first man’s voice spoke. Another minute passed and then she heard hustled footsteps followed by slow, controlled steps clinking against metal. Jaina reached out with the Force to sense her surroundings. She felt two presences—human, according to their thought processes—and only two. Jaina could handle two, depending on her physical condition and surrounding. At the moment, she didn’t know the status of either.

“She should wake any moment, Admiral,” the first man’s voice said.

“She is already awake,” a new voice, darkly musical and soft, said. “And she can hear me. Can’t you?”

Jaina assumed that last phrase was directed at her. No sense in keeping up the pretense, she decided, and slowly opened her eyes.

Pain shot through every nerve in her body just from the simple movement of her eyelids. Her vision blurred as her eyes watered in pain, her face tingling as she attempted to regard her surroundings. She was inside a small, metal cell. It was clean as far as she could tell, and she happened to be laying on her back on a cold, hard cot. She risked turning her head towards her visitors and winced as pain rippled through her neck. But the effort was enough to see who was standing in the cell’s entrance. Two men stood to the side, human just as she had predicted, and in silver military uniforms. But there was a third person she didn’t sense through the Force. He stood in the center of the entrance, tall and muscular, shockingly handsome with ivory skin, silver hair chopped short, and a glistening white smile.

The smile sent shivers down Jaina’s spine.

“Hello,” he said with that silky, mesmerizing voice. He cocked his head to the side, starring at Jaina with an animalistic curiosity.

She opened her mouth to respond out of habit, but nothing came out and she quickly shut her mouth.

“Her vocal cords may be temporarily paralyzed due to the paralysis,” the man with gray-white hair, to the left of the handsome man, said.

“I can fix that,” the handsome man said, cocking his head again.

Jaina’s heart quickened, fearing what he meant by that. She did indeed feel like she couldn’t move her body, and it frightened her more that the man moving towards her was completely invisible to the Force. It was like watching something unreal and ghostlike stalk her down and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

The handsome man sat down on the cot beside her and gently lifted her to a sitting position, his cold hands gripping her bare arms. As he helped her up, Jaina realized her pilot uniform had been replaced by a thin white sheet which barely covered her body. Normally this wouldn’t bother her, but the close proximity mixed with the invisibility of the handsome man put her on edge.

The man reached out with his right hand and placed it on her neck. He gently began to massage right underneath her chin and Jaina felt warmth spreading into her throat. She watched his eyes. They sparkled strangely and his eyes were the darkest blue she’d ever seen. And then she noticed something in his left eye. There was a black spot to the side of the iris—deep black and diamond-shaped. It reminded her of something, but her head hurt too much to concentrate.

He massaged her neck for about a minute before releasing her, smiling again.

“What is your name?” he asked, his eyes penetrating and hypnotizing.

Jaina debated answering, but couldn’t think of a reason why she shouldn’t.

“Jaina Solo,” she answered, her voice crackling. She coughed to clear it.

“My name is Maurel,” he replied, his breath cold against her skin. Jaina noticed the man with the gray hair frowning in disapproval, or confusion, she couldn’t quite tell. Her connection with the Force felt numb and distant for some reason. “You are a JedI, I assume?”

Jaina frowned realizing she was under interrogation and it was already a bad idea that she gave out her name. She made an effort to keep her mouth shut, but found it hard not to answer the questions.

“You’ve been given a mental-calming serum. You’ll be more corporative this way, but don’t fight it. You’ll overload your brain and die if you do,” Maurel said. “At least, that’s what happened to the last girl we interrogated. What was her name?” He turned to the gray-haired man behind him.

“Macy,” the older man answered.

“Yes,” Maurel breathed. “She was the President’s personal aide. She died a painful death. She rejected the serum and her brain, in simpler terms, exploded. I’ve never met a JedI before, so I would like to keep you alive for a while longer. So, please, cooperate.”

Jaina’s vision blurred as Maurel spoke, her head feeling heavy. She would have fallen over if it weren’t for Maurel holding her up with his hands.

“Of course we already know you are a JedI,” Maurel continued. “We’re studying your lightsaber. It has some fascinating qualities. I’m surprised you JedI use—crystals, is it—as the power source. An interesting choice, I will admit, but a smart one. If only the crystals you used were of a better, stronger material. I experimented with the crystal you had inside your lightsaber. It overloaded and shattered.

“Interesting actually. It symbolizes you, or your galaxy’s species. So frail…” Maurel brushed a cool, white finger along Jaina’s jaw. Her eyes rolled back, the room spinning around her sickeningly. She squeezed her eyes as she tried to regain control.

“You sure risk a lot—” she gulped as she forced herself to speak, “telling me all this.”

“Not really,” he smiled again. “You won’t remember this conversation.” His finger continued to stroke her cheek, then suddenly snatched her chin in a tight grasp, forcing her to look directly at him. “What were you doing in this system?”

Jaina bit her lip, fighting against the urge to answer. Her mind seemed to be rebelling against her. So she breathed deeply, as deeply as she could handle since her lungs were tight, and tried to concentrate on the little connection she had with the Force. Surprisingly, it gave her some strength and resistance to the serum she was under.

“No matter,” Maurel silky voice caressed her skin. “I already know you are the President’s daughter. Of course you would be sent here to investigate one of your military bases. And seeing as this is one of your furthest outposts, it is only logical to assume that someone alerted you to the base’s destruction. Someone who escaped…”

Jaina immediately thought of Lilliya. She pictured her silver hair cascading down in ringlets, her long muscular form, her drawn face and sad expression…

Maurel’s grip on Jaina’s chin tightened as he leaned closer. “I need you to help me,” he murmured darkly, his tone suddenly turning ominous. “I am looking for someone. A girl. She escaped to Coruscant and I know that she had met with your President. Which means that you know of her existence.”

Jaina shook her head, not in response to Maurel, but in an attempt to shake off the drugging serum.

“She would have white skin,” Maurel continued, “and gold hair by day, silver hair by night. She would be very unique compared to the rest of you. And beautiful, very beautiful. I need to know her name. I need to know where she is.”

Jaina knew exactly who he was referring to, but refused to tell, fighting against the serum. “I don’t know—” Jaina whispered, and the mere lie sent excruciating pain to her head and behind her eyes. It really did feel like her head would explode. So she quickly reverted back to meditating on the Force in order to help her clear the pain.

It sounded as though Maurel growled, but she couldn’t be sure. She was barely keeping conscious as it was.

“Maybe this will spur your memory,” Maurel muttered, pulling out a necklace from the folds of his chrome-colored tunic. From the end of the necklace hung a familiar crystal charm. It glittered in the dim light, refracting little rainbows on Maurel’s pale skin. “If she were smart, she would be wearing one of these at all times. And I guarantee she is very smart.”

Jaina glanced at the charm, then back up into Maurel’s smoldering eyes. The diamond scar seemed to grow blacker, if that was even possible.

And then something struck her. Maurel’s diamond scar and crystal necklace were exactly the same as Lilliya’s diamond scar and crystal necklace! Somewhere within the foggy dimness of her mind, Jaina made a revelation. She just couldn’t pinpoint it in her current mindset.

Suddenly, Maurel grabbed Jaina’s head, placing both hands on either side, and squeezed. Jaina gasped, the pressure of his hands sending shock waves of pain into her head.

“This is going to hurt more than the serum,” Maurel growled. “But you leave me no choice. You will tell me where she is. You will tell me her name.”

Maurel’s eyes, smoldering sapphire, bored into hers, lighting on fire. Then, before she could blink away, something powerful slammed into her head, her brain feeling as though it were being torn open to expose her every memory, thought, dream…the pain so unbearable a scream ripped through her throat, echoing off the chamber walls and down the corridors.

And somewhere amidst all the agonized screaming, a name was whispered.

“Lilliya…”

Maurel smiled.

2010: The Sequel! And…what should be my new Resolution?

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

Of course, I’m referring to the 80s film 2010 which precedes 2001: A Space Odyssey. Neither of these films actually foretold the future of the Millennium very well. We have not built a base on the Moon and have not found the answer to the beginning of intelligence on Earth.

However, once 2010 hits, a simple revelation will be made…sort of. Of course, I’m referring to myself. What else are blogs for but to write personal accounts, heavy opinions on topics that reside within my own brain, untouched and stubborn to the outside thoughts of others, but mildly interested and appreciative of those thoughts.

2010 is coming and so a whole new year will unfold. It was only a year ago when I was making my slow-crawling ascent from the depths of despair which I had somehow allowed myself to tumble down into. My New Year’s Resolution then was to go “whimming,” to start a whole new look at life, to find happiness when happiness seemed so foreign and far, to embark on adventures, to laugh and play, to DATE like no other had dated before! Allowing myself to be open in case lightning struck me hard, waking me from a dreamlike reality I had been escaping to.

I found it: the path to Happy Ville. I found the ability to not need too much, to use logic rather than emotion ( in simpler terms, I have found a way to become more Vulcan), to be more confident in my beliefs about life, to not be knocked down, and so on.

At the beginning of 2009, I was barely surviving my own destruction, deciding on writing being the only way out. I made the bestest (YES, bestEST) of friends I could ever think of having and had the pleasure of creating memories I will never forget.

In 2009, I discovered the life of dating many different types of guys, while finally slowing down with The Terminator, whom I also refer to as my manfriend.

In 2009, I finally found a home: California. I never thought I would feel so comfortable here as fast as I did. I still revel in the fact that people here actually pronounce my name correctly right off the bat, rather than always screwing it up as they did in Arizona. I always think that’s a sign I belong…

However, not everything is all peaches and cream. My grandfather, Papa, is dying, mentally and physically. Once the smartest man I knew, is now the weakest man I know. I thought it would frighten me that he couldn’t remember me or mom, but it hasn’t. I had come to accept this, along with the rest of my family. He may not last another year, and even if he did physically, he will have no memory left. He brought me up as a child, but he will not witness me become a wife, a mother, a successful person…It is weird to think about.

Nonetheless, I actually did conquer my previous New Year’s resolution. I found the motivation to keep up a consistent blog, I finally graduated college, I got the hell out of Arizona and didn’t get stuck in a place I never wanted to be, I found a drama-free living situation with roommates who are kind yet distant, I am interning in two places at once, both being apart of the entertainment industry, I have already done three different Red Carpet events, met Patrick Kilpatrick, and have developed friendships with wonderfully interesting and fun people.

Most importantly, I found where I belong. I found my Happy Place. I guess finding happiness is easier than losing weight…? At least it is for me—I like food too much.

Next New Year’s Res.? I am FINALLY READY to find Love!…Although, considering this is much harder to achieve than even losing weight, I might change it to Being Able To Quit BJ’s. Or maybe they shall both be my New Year’s Res.? What do you think? Which one should be my Resolution? Love or Quitting BJ’s? You tell me.

I hope all of you had your wishes come true this year. And even if they didn’t, or you feel disappointed in some part of your life, just remember, tomorrow is another day! (thank you, scarlet o’hara).

The Revolution: Chapter 9 part 1

Christanna Rowader1 Comment

A cool breeze whipped Jaina’s hair as she stepped out into the opening, kicking a metal shard with her boot. The smell of burnt decay wrinkled her nose and she tried to ignore the small animals scavenging the dead bodies.

The TwinSuns team had landed on Endor nearly over two weeks ago. They had decided to stealth land outside the Raider Base perimeter in case the base was being watched by the invisible enemy. When they had arrived in the system, there was no sign of a ship, but that didn’t make Jaina feel safe. The other investigation team had vanished in just a matter of hours, so Jaina and her team were taking every precaution.

They journeyed towards the base perimeter on foot, surveying the forest for any sign of alien life. By the end of the week, as they neared the base, they had discovered a crashed Z-Wing, half way melted to the ground.

The team had set up camp within the forest outside the wide crater where the Raider Base once stood, and waited. Nothing showed up. No sign of any alien life appeared on their scanners. Just a few local animals greeted the team every once in a while. So Jaina decided to move on ahead to the base. With her adept Force skills, she couldn’t sense anything out of the normal, and she felt it safe to accept the possibility that the ship had moved on. But that meant, wherever it might have moved to, there would be another attack, and that would be very bad.

“We’ve done a full scan of the area,” Gavin called from a few meters away. “There’s no evidence of the investigation team even landing here.”

“If that ship was here when they arrived in-system, there’s a chance they never landed at all,” Wess said, surveying the debris.

Jaina pursed her lips. The situation was more perplexing than she thought it would be. “Well, looks like whatever was here is gone now. And I think it’s safe to assume the investigation team has been eliminated. Nothing left for us to do, but to return to Coruscant and let the Alliance know we have a dangerous rogue ship on the loose.”

“Unfortunately that means we’ll have to wait for the next attack before we can do anything about it,” Gavin said. The other pilots exchanged grim looks.

“Seems that way…” Jaina grumbled, scooping up to pick up a melted shard of metal. She peered casually at it, thinking she recognized the warped emblem on the black metal. As she looked closer, it dawned on her. It was the specific Alliance emblem for secret security. The Raider Squadron wouldn’t have been issued the emblem because it was only given to the highest agents of the secret Alliance corps. That corps came from Coruscant. But before she could say anything, something froze inside of her.

“Sithspit!” Wess shouted from behind her.

She looked up from the shard and noticed a ghostly white figure, tall and slender, facing her from the edge of the forest. Jaina dropped the shard in surprise.

“Jaina, we got company,” Gavin called to her.

She turned around and saw five more white humanoids all spread out along the perimeter of the crater. They didn’t move.

“Looks like,” Jaina muttered, wrapping her fingers around the lightsaber’s hilt hidden within her jumpsuit. Gavin, Wess, Kenalle, and Bayley pulled out their rifle blasters and started to form a tight circle with Jaina. Still, the humanoids didn’t budge.

“You think these are our guys?” Kenalle said.

“Most likely,” Gavin said, his voice tight.

Bayley made a low growl in response.

“Don’t do anything yet,” Jaina said, locking her eyes on the humanoid across from her. “Let them make the first move.”

As soon as Jaina said that, the tall humanoids started sauntering towards the pilots’ little circle, no weapons in hand.

“All right…they’re making the first move,” Kenalle grumbled tensely.

Jaina’s grip on her lightsaber tightened as she realized she couldn’t sense these humanoids. She could sense the nervousness of her pilots, but the white humanoids were as though they didn’t exist…like ghosts. Like Lilliya. This realization turned her stomach to ice. It seemed that Lilliya was an imposter after all. Her thoughts turned to Ossus, fearing for the safety of the Jedi Temple.

“Jaina,” Gavin said, “what do you want to do?” The humanoids were just meters away, their strides careful and even, almost dance-like.

“Shoot ‘em down,” Jaina muttered, igniting the blue blade.

At her command, the pilots fired upon the oncoming humanoids, red laser beams propelling from the rifles.

Strangely enough, the beams absorbed into the humanoids’ skin, leaving nothing but smoke. And they kept coming. This time, all six of them pulled out a long silver, wicked-looking rifle, all aimed at the pilots.

“We are in serious trouble,” Wess said.

“Never saw that before,” Kenalle grumbled.

“Grenade!” Jaina yelled, pulling out a small round mine and tossing it at the humanoid in front of her. It exploded on contact, except that the humanoid had dodged it effortlessly. It was now charging at her, rifle aimed and firing. Silver-white bolts flew in Jaina’s direction, but she deflected them easily with her lightsaber, forcing the silver bolts back at the attacker. They struck the humanoid and it’s body disintegrated in sickening silence, leaving only a pale dust.

Jaina’s eyes widened in horror. “Bad news guys,” she called, “don’t get shot.”

Too late, it seemed, as she heard someone behind her cry out in agony.

“Bayley!” Gavin cried out, running to support Bayley’s crumpling body. Bayley’s left arm had melted off and his shoulder still seemed to be disintegrating from the bolt.

Two other grenades went off as Wess tossed them towards his attacker. The second one successfully blasted the legs off of the humanoid. Unfortunately, this didn’t stop it. It started crawling towards Wess with its arms. Wess stared in horror, shooting at the humanoid’s head and hands to no avail.

Jaina propelled herself through the air, landing on top of the humanoid’s torso, and drove her lightsaber into the back of its neck, ending its progression. She grabbed the silver rifle the humanoid had dropped and tossed it at Wess who caught it swiftly.

The other pilots were retreating towards the forest, tossing grenade after grenade in an attempt to slow down their attackers. Gavin was nearly dragging Bayley.

“Come on!” Jaina clapped Wess on the back, snapping him out of his temporary shock and the two of them ran for the forest. Wess shot at one of the humanoids who had directed its attention towards them, but missed as the humanoid dodged the bolt.

Jaina flew through the air towards Gavin, Bayley, and Kenalle to help them fight off the other three attackers. She landed in between the pilots and the humanoids, deflecting the blazing silver bolts with every swing and arc of the blue blade.

“Wess!” Gavin yelled, shouldering Bayley onto Kenalle’s arm. “Get the hell over here!”

Wess was determined to shoot down the other attacker, but this one was adapting to Wess’ firing pattern, dodging every shot and getting closer with its own rifle.

Jaina was busy with her own threesome as each deflected shot seemed to miss the oncoming attackers.

“Grenade!” Kenalle shouted, as he tossed another mine towards the threesome. The explosion took out one of the humanoids, but the other two kept coming with relentless fire.

“Behind you!” Gavin cried, but his voice was soon drowned out by a guttural scream. Jaina took a second to glance behind her just in time to see Kenalle’s body melt away, Bayley falling into his dust.

“How!—” Jaina exclaimed, but was cut off as another bolt shot through Bayley’s chest this time, evaporating his body. In that instant, Jaina noticed Wess could not be found and saw the fourth humanoid charging at them from behind.

Gavin and Jaina exchanged tense looks as they grimly realized they were going to die.

Jaina turned back to her two attackers and concentrated on surviving a little longer, wielding her lightsaber in a blinding flash. She vaguely heard Gavin call out “grenade” and recognized multiple explosions from behind. She hoped one of the mines would take out that humanoid. Sweat trickled down her forehead. She wondered if this was really how she was going to die after all the wars, kidnapping, and assassination attempts she somehow survived. She was going to die on Endor by two alien humanoids shooting at her. She was the last surviving Solo child and she still wouldn’t make it to retirement. What a way to go down in history, she thought wryly. One of the bolts escaped her blade and nearly nicked her face if she hadn’t slid to her knees.

“Gavin?” she called out, wondering if he was still alive.

“Still here!” he called back, but his voice was tight. Jaina stole a glance behind her. Gavin somehow was able to disarm the humanoid and was now in hand-to-hand combat with it.

Jaina reached out with the Force and pulled at the abandoned silver rifle. It landed smoothly in her hand and she swung it at her attackers, firing wildly from side to side. The humanoids seemed to anticipate her move and fell to the ground rolling in opposite directions.

“Dammit,” Jaina muttered, watching the humanoids spread apart, making it more difficult to shoot at them. Then the rifle in her hand was shot away, the silver metal melting rapidly on the ground. As soon as that happened, the two humanoids sprung back up with incredible speed and were now sprinting towards her from both sides, rifles ready but not firing.

She pushed with the Force at one of them. It flew back a few meters, but didn’t slow it down. They weren’t firing at her anymore, so she didn’t have any bolts to deflect back at them. She pushed again at the second humanoid. Same result.

Wondering about Gavin, she glanced behind her to check on his status and came face to face with the other humanoid. For a split second she was completely caught off guard, but that was all it needed. The tall humanoid punched her in the nose, the impact knocking her backwards and blurring her vision. Jaina rolled to her side, grasping her nose reflexively and thought she saw Gavin lying on the ground a few meters away. She reached out, sensing that he was still alive. Maybe they weren’t going to die. Maybe the humanoids wanted prisoners, which could buy Jaina some time to escape…

A white hand grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet, pointing the silver rifle in her face.

Then again, maybe not…

The other humanoid stood ready, its rifle also aimed at her face. Jaina could feel warm fluid running down her mouth, tasted like copper, so she assumed her nose was bleeding and broken.

For the longest moment, it seemed, nobody moved. Jaina got a good look at her attackers. Their skin was whiter than white, almost clear. Their hair was also white and bristly. Their bodies masculine and lean, with muscle that bunched and twitched with every motion. And their eyes…their eyes were the most disturbing part of them all. Ice-blue and blank. There was no emotion, no hint of fear, anger, determination—nothing. Which disturbed Jaina even more because she couldn’t sense their presence in the Force either. But none of their appearances looked anything like Lilliya’s. The only thing they had in common was their ability to be invisible to the Force. But that was enough to put Jaina on edge and be convinced Lilliya was one of them.

“What now?” Jaina growled when nothing happened.

The humanoid to her right cocked its head curiously, then Jaina heard a moan from behind. Gavin was coming to. Jaina turned to see him grabbing his face in pain. The  humanoid that cocked its head sauntered over to Gavin. For a moment, fear stabbed Jaina in the gut hoping that Gavin would know to stay perfectly still.

It didn’t matter. The humanoid pointed its rifle at Gavin’s torso. Gavin opened his eyes, peered up at the white alien, then flickered to glance at Jaina. Before he could even open his mouth to make a sound, the humanoid fired a single silver bolt into Gavin’s gut, disintegrating his body instantly.

Jaina felt bile rise up her throat, Gavin’s agonized expression imprinted into her memory. And then something burning pierced her in the back, blackness overtaking her.

***

“I can’t feel the damn rock!” Lilliya exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air, pacing back and forth in the center of the training room.

Luke sat cross-legged on the floor, his fingers making a steeple lightly touching his lips. He seemed to be battling patience with irritation and confusion. He had spent full days alone with Lilliya trying train her in the Force. He had decided to take her on as his personal student for many reasons. One of them being the other students felt antagonized by her ever since her confrontation with Pell, another being that she was a mystery that needed to be solved. He had tried to have her reenact the transportation technique, but she couldn’t do it again. Lilliya admitted that she had never experienced that before and had no idea how it happened.

Luke was convinced she was able to tap into the Force in a different way than most, which was in defense. So Luke spent hours putting her in situations which would cause her to protect herself, but nothing extraordinary happened. Lilliya was able to defend herself like any other normal being.

So Luke then tried the old-fashioned way of Force training. He used techniques and exercises on her that Yoda used to use on him. Still, to no avail. And Lilliya was losing her patience fast. Which meant she was losing concentration, making any Force training exercise pointless.

Lilliya kicked at the rock she was supposed to levitate, or at least sense through the Force, and winced.

“There,” she grumbled, “now I felt it.”

Luke looked up at her from his sitting position, rubbing his temples in exhaustion. She stood facing him, hands on her hips.

“Come here,” he finally said, weary seeping into his voice.

Lilliya hesitated for a second, then grudgingly knelt down in front of him, running a hand through her golden hair.

“Let’s try something else—” he started, but Lilliya interrupted.

“Aren’t you tired yet? I feel like we’ve tried everything in the book. I do not have the Force…” Her voice trailed off in response to Luke’s stern expression.

He took a deep breath and cleared his mind of frustration. “This is simpler. It’s just a meditation exercise. It should help you calm your mind. It is possible you are too distracted.”

“I just don’t understand the point of this,” Lilliya argued. “I’m a pilot, not a JedI. I should be out with the TwinSuns Squadron investigating Endor, not here wasting my time pretending to be something I’m not capable of being.”

“Don’t you think it’s extremely out of the ordinary that you could transport your body through time and space? By accident?” Luke said, his voice soothing.

“Yes. It’s the strangest thing I’ve faced yet,” Lilliya admitted sarcastically. “But I don’t really care about investigating it because it seems I can’t do it again. I’m okay with calling it a fluke accident.”

“Lilliya,” Luke said, resting a hand on her shoulder. “You are very unique and—”

“Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I’ve heard it before,” Lilliya muttered, jumping to her feet. “I’m one hell of a special girl, blah, blah. What I want to know is why you have such an interest in me. Why you? And Leia? And I can tell all the other JedI around here look at me like I’m some freak. Especially your son.”

Luke sighed, sensing defeat for today. He was bothered by Ben treating Lilliya so harshly. He was surprised that Lilliya wasn’t lashing out at him yet.

“The reason I have such an interest in you is because you have displayed a skill that has never been recorded by any person in the whole galaxy,” Luke said, rising to his feet to counteract Lilliya. “That makes you very unique and worth understanding.”

“I’m like a science project to you.”

Luke was silent for a moment while he thought of a response. “In a way…yes.”

Lilliya was about to turn away, but Luke grabbed her arm and continued.

“I know how you feel,” Luke started, his voice suddenly very soft. “I know that you feel isolated, alone…useless. Everything you belonged to is gone now. It’s all gone.”

Lilliya looked away, trying to hide the pain building in her eyes.

Luke took her other arm, holding her at arms length. “This is your new beginning. You are unique. To me. This is why I want to waste all my time teaching you. How else do you think I single-handedly built the JedI Academy from the ground up?” He smiled wryly because if anyone else were to have heard him say that, he would never hear the end of it. “I believed in people and never gave up on them,” he continued. “Just like you.”

Lilliya stared at the ground, her lips pulled in a tight line. She shook her head in defeat. “This is…ridiculous,” she muttered, then met Luke’s blue stare with clear eyes. “Jenar—my best friend, or was until…” Her voice trailed off, but Luke encouraged her to continue, gently tightening his grip on her arms. “Well, anyway, he always thought I had a connection to the Force. He and I would argue about it all the time. I didn’t like the whole JedI thing because he kept pushing it on me. He never gave up, I guess. I told him he was crazy…”

Luke cocked his head in interest. “What inspired him to think you had the Force?”

Lilliya hesitated. She wasn’t sure how to explain it. “There were times,” she said softly, “where I could feel something about to happen before it did. Almost like really accurate intuition. It always came as a tingling sensation, like on the back of my neck. I got that feeling the day of the attack. The problem is I can’t always pinpoint it. I just know something is going to happen or change.”

Luke nodded slowly. “All the more reason to keep you training. We’re bound to discover something.” He smiled crookedly, sensing the tension between him and Lilliya had passed.

Lilliya rolled her eyes. “I guess that means we’re not taking a break.”

Luke smiled widely. “Nope.”

“You JedI are relentless,” Lilliya groaned in resignation.

“We are at that,” Luke laughed. He sat back down and crossed his legs, motioning for Lilliya to do the same.

She sat opposite of him on the hard stone floor, wiggling to get comfortable. “I’m assuming this is gonna be a while. Do we have any pillows?”

“JedI move past any discomfort. Meditation helps with this,” Luke explained. “With this particular exercise, I am going to help you in meditation. I will be reaching out to you with my mind, hopefully connecting with your thoughts, and help you focus them.”

“Sounds invasive,” Lilliya said humorously.

“If you think of it that way,” Luke said, cocking his right eyebrow. “But I’d rather you think of it as me helping you focus on a target, so to speak. I will be helping you aim your thoughts on a spot of light. That light will represent the Force. Of course, it won’t really be the Force, but it will help you direct your thoughts in knowing what to look for.”

Lilliya nodded, taking a deep, relaxing breath.

Luke took her hands in his; she jumped at the touch, so he squeezed tighter in reassurance. “Close your eyes,” he said, his voice turning hypnotic. “And clear your mind of all thoughts…worries…desires…”

Lilliya did as she was told, letting her eyelids fall and pushing all thoughts from her mind. The last image she saw was of Jenar smiling at her before she fell into a deep meditation. Her senses resorted to the physical. She could feel a warm breeze emanating from the windows brush by her skin; could hear distant animals call each other from the jungles; could smell the sweet scent of floral mixed with dry, dusty dirt; felt her lungs slow with every intake of oxygen and her heart beat in a calming rhythmic pattern; felt warm hands clasped to hers.

Very warm hands. Almost too warm. Lilliya concentrated on not thinking about how Luke’s hands tingled against hers. But as she forced herself to forget about it, the tingling worsened, moving up her arms, crawling up her chin and to her mouth, down her throat and into her chest. Her chest felt heavy, the tingling nearly overwhelming, as if it were drowning her. Her breathing began to quicken and she felt something very hot against her sternum. The sensation was familiar, but she couldn’t pinpoint it.

She slowly opened her eyes and noticed Luke’s were still closed. He didn’t seem to notice her change in countenance. Lilliya was beginning to perspire and the room was spinning.

“Stop,” she said, but the word was barely audible. She tried to let go of Luke’s hands, to break the connection, but she couldn’t seem to remember how to move them. Searing heat pressed hard against her chest. She figured it was her crystal necklace again. She neglected to take it off like Luke had requested, and instead hid it beneath her clothing. A heavy weight seemed to press against her lungs and it felt like only a matter of seconds before she would pass out.

“Stop it,” she mumbled again. Her eyes rolled back and she began to fall backwards.

This snapped Luke out of the meditation immediately. He felt Lilliya’s weight pull on his arms as she fell backward to the stone floor. He let go of her hands and quickly moved to her side, placing his hands on either side of her face. Her eyes were flickering and rolled back. She wasn’t having a seizure, she was definitely not coherent.

“Lilliya, can you hear me?” Luke gently patted her cheek, trying to bring her to. He couldn’t believe this happened again. The last time he tried to penetrate her mind was at the YVA celebration on Coruscant, but he thought that was because she was unaware of the intrusion. This time he warned her of what he was going to do and still she reacted badly. A mind connection through the Force wasn’t supposed to be harmful. Never was before.

“Lilliya!”

Her eyes blinked twice, then closed tightly as she rolled to her side.

“I don’t feel so good,” she mumbled, clutching her stomach.

Luke stared at her in concern. “What doesn’t feel good?”

“My stomach…and chest…head.”

“Everything?”

“Mm-hm.”

Luke sighed in frustration. “Well, I guess that won’t work either. I’m not sure I understand what went wrong.”

“Science experiment…” Lilliya muttered, smiling weakly as she leaned her forehead against the cool stone floor.

Luke smiled sadly. “I suppose you are.”

Lilliya’s breathing began to even out and the heat against her chest subsided completely. She blinked a few times and pulled herself up to a sitting position, Luke supporting her in case she fell again.

“Do you have a history for passing out a lot?” Luke asked wryly.

“Just around you,” Lilliya answered.

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?” Luke said, turning serious.

Lilliya thought for a minute, collecting her thoughts. “I thought I was doing good. I was focusing on everything involving my senses—wasn’t thinking about anything—just noticed how everything felt. Then your hands felt hot—tingly. It spread up my arms, throughout my body, and before I knew it, I couldn’t breathe anymore—felt really sick to my stomach—dizzy.”

Luke frowned. “I’ve never had anyone react that way before.”

“You’ve never seen anyone transport through time and space,” Lilliya mocked. “Unique…”

Luke didn’t respond this time. His blue gaze stared off into space as more and more questions filled his mind. Only one possible answer kept popping up into his thoughts: not human.

His dark blue eyes flicked back to hers, meeting her concerned gaze. His eyes burrowed into hers as he examined them. One eye blue, the other green. The green eye had a diamond scar that flashed colors according to her mood. Her hair changed from gold to silver according to the sun. She didn’t exist in the Force. She couldn’t feel the Force. She could defy physics by transporting. And she wasn’t human, according to her DNA. But she looked exactly like a human, as far as he could see. And that didn’t answer anything.

“Why are you staring at me like that? You’re making me uncomfortable,” Lilliya said, snapping him out of his reverie.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said. “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

Luke took a deep breath and decided to change the subject. He needed more time to think on this. “Let’s try one more thing and then we’ll call it a day.”

“Are you serious? After I had already gotten sick?” Lilliya exclaimed.

“This one is less complicated and involves more combat. Something you already know.” Luke stood up and called to his hand a remote. He set it to “light stun,” activating it. The remote hovered in the center of the room as Luke pulled out a practice lightsaber.

“Let’s do some lightsaber exercises. Really simple ones,” he said. “I want to test your concentration and defensive skills.” He handed her the lightsaber.

She hesitated, staring at the weapon, then looking doubtfully at the hovering remote. She decided to keep her mouth shut and get the exercise over with. She knew it would be a quick failure anyhow.

Shaking her head, she ignited the lightsaber in resignation, the light blue blade snapping to life.

Luke watched her from across the room clumsily parry with the remote. He knew the exercise would be pointless and wouldn’t shed any light on the mysteries behind Lilliya, but it bought him some time to think. And as he watched, he noticed the lightsaber whined higher and louder than usual; the blue laser blazed brighter. Another curious, unique, and inexplicable reaction to Lilliya’s invisible existence.

Sex, Love, and Success!

Christanna Rowader7 Comments
These three words may be the most complicated words in the human emotional dictionary. Each of us has our own personal definition or way of life for each of these words, and which is the right way and which is the wrong. I of course have my own uncommon perspective on what these words mean, and I will admit that I know my perspective will change as I get older and older.
Let me start with the word SUCCESS. Definitely a loaded word, but so are the words LOVE and SEX. Success has a multitude of “deep” meanings. Success is “trying not to please everybody” (Bill Cosby), is “going for your goal steadily and aiming for it unswervingly” (Cecil B. DeMille), is “to be able to spend your life in your own way” (Christopher Morley), is “finding your lifework in the work that you love” (David McCullough), is “the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm” (Sir Winston Churchill), and it “usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it” (Henry David Thoreau). The list of meanings goes on and on, but the real, straight-up definition of success is defined as “a degree or measure of succeeding; favorable or desired outcome; the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).
As we all grow into the people we are being shaped to be, we are all faced with the fear of failing in whatever it is we are striving towards. Some of us are more fearful than others, have expectations that seem impossible to fulfill, and we are always standing on the edge of what-ifs and how-comes. Some of us have dreams that are never achieved and we feel we have failed in life because of it. I tell you that is not so. Things change and alter around us for a reason and it is how we react to those changes that determines our success. It is our fear of failing that will cause us to fail. The ability to overcome your fear will bring you success. That is what SUCCESS means to me. To live life without fear getting in the way.
Now it’s ironic that fear is the leading cause in failing in another area of life: the ability to LOVE. If you fear love, you fail love. Another loaded word. Here’s what the world thinks of love: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson); “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides” (David Viscott); “One’s first love is always perfect until one meets one’s second love” (Elizabeth Aston); “All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built on sand” (Ella Wheeler Wilcox); “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness” (Friedrich Nietzsche); and finally, “There is no remedy for love but to love more” (Henry David Thoreau).
In my current situation, I have had only one great love. But even then, as I look on it now, I don’t know if I was really in love or not. I have found that I don’t know what real love is or how it feels. I can’t seem to recognize it. So I go out and test my reactions to certain people by dating them. Some of them excite my physical side, others are intellectually fun to talk to, and some of them are the infamous arrogant bastards playing off as good guys. Can’t fool me! I can smell a sneaky asshole from miles away.
Finding out what love means for each and everyone of us takes a lifetime. So, if I could tell you what love means to me right now, I know that years down the road it will change again. So I can only tell you that, after careful observation of the chemical reactions in my body and mind that is closely related to what I consider “love,” this feeling of obsession and desire is very hard to find when masked by bitterness. After a messy breakup, bitterness takes its place, as much as some of us deny it, and won’t fade until desperation for love comes again. And when I say “desperation,” I’m talking really, really, really desperate. People can go a long time without falling in love again, feeling invincible to the potential heartbreak love brings. But even with all the bitterness I’m working on disintegrating from my heart, I know now that love is a decision, a “choice you make to want the best for the other person.” I heard that from somewhere, but I don’t remember where. I think I finally understand what it means.
Which leads me to the last complicated word: SEX. Love is most commonly related to the action of sex, or sometimes referred to as “making love.” Sex is also seen as “the act of love” even if the two people aren’t really IN LOVE—whatever that means—but it is a moment where people share a moment of tenderness.
This is how sex is seen by much wiser people than me: “I know nothing about sex because I was always married (Zsa Zsa Gabor); “In America, sex is an obsession. In other parts of the world, it’s a fact” (Marlene Dietrich); “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp” (Joan Rivers); “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” (Billy Crystal); “One thing I’ve learned in all these years is not to make love when you really don’t feel it; there’s probably nothing worse you can do to yourself than that” (Norman Mailer).
I was once a girl who wanted to wait until marriage so that sex was the gift I would give to my husband. I was very adamant about it, but then lost my V-card to a boy I thought I was madly in love—same old song and dance—after seven months into the relationship of both being virgins. I was 21 years old. After the relationship ended, I made myself promise that I wouldn’t have sex again until I was “in love”…again. Instead, I had a night with someone I cared very deeply about. My best friend. And it was also seven months in. Not that there’s a pattern, but I thought it interesting to mention. Then I moved to California and a week into it I had been asked out by The Terminator. By the second date, I gave into my desire for sex with him. Totally out of character for me! Because it wasn’t out of love that I had sex with him, but rather it was a moment of random passion. I realized then that my perspective on sex really had been completely altered. I’d overheard that after the end of your first serious relationship, the whole idea of love and sex changes. And so it did. Which surprises me and then…makes perfect sense.
There isn’t a sense of regret for any of it. Sex is still something I hold very special, but only for the one I choose it to be special with. The Terminator may have been a one time thing, because I still want to wait until I’m in love before doing it again. And falling in love for me is rare and numbered. So maybe, when the day finally comes where the feelings of obsession and happiness combine, where I can finally say “I am madly in love with you!” and it is returned, I will be successful in something everyone wants. Love plus sex. A success in of itself.
So there you have it. Some wise words explaining wise words from someone who’s learning to be…

These three words may be the most complicated words in the human emotional dictionary. Each of us has our own personal definition or way of life for each of these words, and which is the right way and which is the wrong. I of course have my own uncommon perspective on what these words mean, and I will admit that I know my perspective will change as I get older and older.

Let me start with the word SUCCESS. Definitely a loaded word, but so are the words LOVE and SEX. Success has a multitude of “deep” meanings. Success is “trying not to please everybody” (Bill Cosby), is “going for your goal steadily and aiming for it unswervingly” (Cecil B. DeMille), is “to be able to spend your life in your own way” (Christopher Morley), is “finding your lifework in the work that you love” (David McCullough), is “the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm” (Sir Winston Churchill), and it “usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it” (Henry David Thoreau). The list of meanings goes on and on, but the real, straight-up definition of success is defined as “a degree or measure of succeeding; favorable or desired outcome; the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

As we all grow into the people we are being shaped to be, we are all faced with the fear of failing in whatever it is we are striving towards. Some of us are more fearful than others, have expectations that seem impossible to fulfill, and we are always standing on the edge of what-ifs and how-comes. Some of us have dreams that are never achieved and we feel we have failed in life because of it. I tell you that is not so. Things change and alter around us for a reason and it is how we react to those changes that determines our success. It is our fear of failing that will cause us to fail. The ability to overcome your fear will bring you success. That is what SUCCESS means to me. To live life without fear getting in the way.

Now it’s ironic that fear is the leading cause in failing in another area of life: the ability to LOVE. If you fear love, you fail love. Another loaded word. Here’s what the world thinks of love: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson); “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides” (David Viscott); “One’s first love is always perfect until one meets one’s second love” (ElizabethAston); “All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built on sand” (Ella Wheeler Wilcox); “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness” (Friedrich Nietzsche); and finally, “There is no remedy for love but to love more” (Henry David Thoreau).

In my current situation, I have had only one great love. But even then, as I look on it now, I don’t know if I was really in love or not. I have found that I don’t know what real love is or how it feels. I can’t seem to recognize it. So I go out and test my reactions to certain people by dating them. Some of them excite my physical side, others are intellectually fun to talk to, and some of them are the infamous arrogant bastards playing off as good guys. Can’t fool me! I can smell a sneaky asshole from miles away.

Finding out what love means for each and everyone of us takes a lifetime. So, if I could tell you what love means to me right now, I know that years down the road it will change again. So I can only tell you that, after careful observation of the chemical reactions in my body and mind that is closely related to what I consider “love,” this feeling of obsession and desire is very hard to find when masked by bitterness. After a messy breakup, bitterness takes its place, as much as some of us deny it, and won’t fade until desperation for love comes again. And when I say “desperation,” I’m talking really, really, really desperate. People can go a long time without falling in love again, feeling invincible to the potential heartbreak love brings. But even with all the bitterness I’m working on disintegrating from my heart, I know now that love is a decision, a “choice you make to want the best for the other person.” I heard that from somewhere, but I don’t remember where. I think I finally understand what it means.

Which leads me to the last complicated word: SEX. Love is most commonly related to the action of sex, or sometimes referred to as “making love.” Sex is also seen as “the act of love” even if the two people aren’t really IN LOVE—whatever that means—but it is a moment where people share a moment of tenderness.

This is how sex is seen by much wiser people than me: “I know nothing about sex because I was always married (Zsa Zsa Gabor); “In America, sex is an obsession. In other parts of the world, it’s a fact” (Marlene Dietrich); “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp” (Joan Rivers); “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” (Billy Crystal); “One thing I’ve learned in all these years is not to make love when you really don’t feel it; there’s probably nothing worse you can do to yourself than that” (Norman Mailer).

I was once a girl who wanted to wait until marriage so that sex was the gift I would give to my husband. I was very adamant about it, but then lost my V-card to a boy I thought I was madly in love—same old song and dance—after seven months into the relationship of both being virgins. I was 21 years old. After the relationship ended, I made myself promise that I wouldn’t have sex again until I was “in love”…again. Instead, I had a night with someone I cared very deeply about. My best friend. And it was also seven months in. Not that there’s a pattern, but I thought it interesting to mention. Then I moved to California and a week into it I had been asked out by The Terminator. By the second date, I gave into my desire for sex with him. Totally out of character for me! Because it wasn’t out of love that I had sex with him, but rather it was a moment of random passion. I realized then that my perspective on sex really had been completely altered. I’d overheard that after the end of your first serious relationship, the whole idea of love and sex changes. And so it did. Which surprises me and then…makes perfect sense.

There isn’t a sense of regret for any of it. Sex is still something I hold very special, but only for the one I choose it to be special with. The Terminator may have been a one time thing, because I still want to wait until I’m in love before doing it again. And falling in love for me is rare and numbered. So maybe, when the day finally comes where the feelings of obsession and happiness combine, where I can finally say “I am madly in love with you!” and it is returned, I will be successful in something everyone wants. Love plus sex. A success in of itself.

So there you have it. Some wise words explaining wise words from someone who’s learning to be…

*all these quotes were taken from http://www.quotationspage.com/

Fall is coming and so is cabin fever.

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

It’s nearly been a month now and I don’t think I’ve ever been so hungry to find friends before. It reminds me of my first semester at ASU where I didn’t know anybody and none of my classes ever gave an opportunity to make friends.

I suppose because I have now moved to a different state, where things are brand new, I want more than ever to have a good collection of friends to experience all the new things around me. Somewhere in the back of my head I’m scared that I’ll never have a good group of friends like I did my last year in college. Those kinds of friends a rare and hard to find.

I did, however, manage to make at least one friend, The Terminator. But because he’s an hour away, it makes it hard to enjoy spontaneous night outs.

The days are going by fast here and fall is approaching. It is beautiful out and the leaves are just starting to golden. And I wait patiently for something to happen…

What do people do at four in the morning?

Christanna Rowader6 Comments

I’m up. Not just up, but wide awake. You would think that after a long, exhausting night at work I would have fallen asleep immediately. Instead, I’m tossing and turning, blowing my drippy nose, coughing, going to the bathroom, drinking some water, pushing my annoying cat out of the way of my face, then finally deciding to take a sleeping pill at around 4am.

After that, I went to the kitchen and got a Klondike bar, cookies and cream, and scarfed it down. Though I couldn’t taste it because I’m sick, so that didn’t really satisfy my craving.

Then, while I wait for the sleeping pill to kick in, I started surfing the web, but…there was nothing really interesting to surf through. So, here I am again, falling back on my blog to write another randomly, self-spilling, thoughtless rant that makes this more like a public diary for the whole world to see.

Not that there are that many people reading this particular blog. I know of only a few…

But seriously, I used to be a great sleeper, but now I find that my brain won’t stop spinning in crazy circles about solving THIS, or fixing THAT. And it won’t let me rest one bit.

So I’m gonna spill all the annoying thoughts on here so that maybe writing about it would help me vent out my brain so I can sleep, for the love of GRAPES! Yes, that is a very irritated and heated sentence. I would also like to point out that I’m writing this without my contacts so I’m relying solely on my fingers to not mess up while typing. Fingers lead the way cause I’m blind as a bat!

Hold on to yourself because I am going to write the next paragraph as one big run-on, thought flowing sentence so you can get an idea of how my brain would not SHUT UP! So here we go…

my cat is so cute all snuggly i’m so glad i brought him with me to california but i’d rather him not be in my face all the time when i’m trying to sleep i hate it when he climbs on the pillows while i’m sleeping it makes me think he’s gonna pee on them right on my face man i feel miserable man i hate being sick if my nose drips one more time i’m just gonna let it drip it’ll have to deal with it ugh i hate that feeling do i really have to blow my nose AGAIN yep okay so back to thinking about stuff that can help me fall asleep why hasn’t he called why was he so mean why do i feel this way did i do the right thing nope of course i didn’t i always screw everything up i can never do the right thing i always feel like i cant do the right thing with him i’ve apologized i think more times all together in my life to him than i have to anyone i think could be exaggerating but whatever that’s what it feels like i cant do anything right with him always making mistakes just like i treated chris oh no that’s how i treated chris made him feel like he never did anything right he always felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me which makes it obvious that we weren’t meant to be together but still i feel like i should write him a letter apologize i must be on an apologizing streak no that’s a bad idea let it stay in the past no need to touch it but wouldn’t that be okay wouldn’t it to just say i’m sorry to amend things to make things better yes and no and definitely not right now cause i’m being impulsive which i always am but when i’m impulsive with letters bad things tend to always happen i hate thinking about my ex boy am i lame could i be any lamer sleep sleep cat get off my fucking pillow dammit i hope i’m better tomorrow i wonder if he will call tomorrow i wish i had my best friend i wish i didn’t say anything how did he replace chris i hate saying i love you bad things always happens best to wait until its safe best to not do it thought that would be silly because then i would be a pathetic loser who couldn’t fall in love lame oh well and my period’s started so you would think i could think rationally nope guess not confused as always think i’m gonna close everything off now but still can’t sleep i feel nauseous damn period and stupid tampon i wonder if i’ve got toxic shock syndrome should i ever write chris an apology letter simple i’ve got it all worked out but why so i can be at peace with that but i can be by just letting it go two different states a new beginning a fresh start i can replace everyone and never have to look back again can i do that to him that text was so mean not like him that’s what i do to guys piss them off i really tried hard to focus on what i was saying i’m stupid though go figure leave it to me to say the wrong things i excel at that maybe he meant it as something else maybe he didn’t mean it to be mean always fucking things up over a text go figure i regret everything i shouldn’t have slept with my best friend i shouldn’t have let us get close like that i knew better but as always i think i’m above the norm outside the usual think i can survive it in the end i’m still human that keeps perfecting myself i must perfect myself must make things better with all people except for the ex should let that disappear under all the dust no need to uncover it wouldn’t matter apology wouldn’t matter his reaction would probably piss me off again again and remind me of things i shouldn’t remember holy shit its 4am fuck!

Okay, so there you have. If you were able to read through that entire jumble of pure unadulterated honesty, the window to my brain, then I applaud you. I’m finally feeling the sleeping pill kicking in…and it does feel somewhat better now that I’ve got most of that stuff off my brain. Aw man it’s 530am. You gotta be kidding me!

How do you choose the right vs the wrong?

Christanna Rowader1 Comment

When all is well and good, where I have successfully kept myself out of trouble, staying out of relationships, keeping myself safe from heartbreak, guarding my heart and controlling my feelings, I’ve realized that I let one slip through the gates.

What do you do when you’re faced with a difficult decision, confusing and depressing? Where you can’t make sense of what you’re feeling? When you don’t know what to do anymore, and the answer that once was so clear is now so skewed?

Making decisions can suck
Making decisions can suck

Human feelings can suck and screw with logic. No wonder Vulcans look down upon us so. When we are faced with something we don’t want to do, but know is best in the long run, we delay the inevitable. We hold on to what we know we’ll lose. We run from what we know is coming. All the while, we go on with our daily lives, pretending there’s nothing to choose from.

I’ve found that I am exactly in this annoyingly difficult situation. I always knew it would come some day, where I would have to let go of my best friend, but I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be. Considering I’ve been through a lot of hard “letting go” situations, I thought this one would be easier to deal with.

But of course, it’s not easy, and while I convince myself and my feelings that I don’t know what to do anymore, somewhere in the back of mind the answer is glaring at me. I just don’t like it. So I don’t listen.

I’ve always hated making the big decisions. I never feel like I’ll make the right one. There have been many times where I’ve felt like I made a big mistake. But I suppose that’s how it is in most cases. I seem to always choose the bumpy road versus the smooth one. Maybe it’s my personality. I like the challenge rather than the simple. Who knows?

So I’ll leave it all up to God. Won’t claim any responsibility… Just kidding. 😉

But things like this really are out of our hands, and we should just pray and hope the answer is near.

Boys and Girls can’t just be friends…

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment

Unless the boy is gay of course.

I’ve been very stubborn to admit this statement can be true. I mean, come on! I grew up with boys, felt more comfortable with them, and many times considered myself to be one of them. In fact, many of my closest friends were boys. There were a few years here and there where I actually asked my best “guy friend” if he would be my maid of honor (whenever the day would come I would actually get married). We had a good laugh about it. How it would be unheard of. And how I’d better find a husband who wouldn’t mind my bestest friend in the whole world to be another (straight) guy.

I believed I could pull it off having a sans-sexual-tension best friend relationship with the opposite sex. Of course, I always think I can pull anything off, be above and beyond the norm. I was a very stubborn thinker during my teens and to my early twenties. Now that I am nearing my mid-twenties and have attempted to continue this way of thinking, I’ve realized I made a mistake.

Years ago, I saw the film When Harry Met Sally, which is supposed to be a story about two opposite sexes trying to ignore the ultimate sexual attraction they have for one another. They indulge in relationships with other people and keep their best friend relationship. As the movie continues, their friendship gets more complicated (of course!) and lots of random fighting start to sour everything up. Ultimately something needs to change in their friendship, but I’m not going to say what it was in case you haven’t seen the movie. Don’t wanna spoil the ending. 🙂

It’s funny, these platonic relationships. Because someone always seems to be more attracted to the other and has to learn how to control their feelings in case of ruining the comfortable friendship they have (now when I say friendship, I’m talking about really close friendships; best friend status). In most cases, I’ve found that it’s always the guy who starts to feel the sexual tension for his best “female” friend. Usually, for the girl, it never occurs to her unless someone else says something like, “Hey, you guys look cute together…” and only then does the sex idea pop up into her head. Otherwise, usually the girl is completely clueless about her best friend’s attraction to her. Usually.

Where am I going with this? Well, what happens when those two friends start to explore their sexual attraction for one another, all the while trying to stay “just friends?”

Crap happens. The deeper, romantic and complicated feelings start to come out and if the relationship isn’t defined appropriately, the friendship becomes more troublesome and messy than it should be. Everything you once thought was clear becomes cloudy and confusing. And your best friend becomes the source of your problems, instead of the problem solver. There’s no getting away from it, and there’s no sense in denying it.

So what do you do? Seeing as I really don’t have the answer, I’m gonna have to admit that I don’t know. But what I can tell you is to do this: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and wait for the answer to come. You’ll only see it on a clear day.

Crazy dream #3: Werewolves, aliens, and ex-boyfriends…oh, and did I mention teeth falling out! Ah!

Christanna Rowader2 Comments

Okay, I’m gonna have to say this particular dream gave me the cold sweats. As much as I love exciting dreams involving aliens and werewolves, this one made me more vulnerable that I’m normally used to. Whatever happened to my machine gun I’d always carried with me? It seems in my old age I’ve become more vulnerable in my dreams which sucks!

So I had another random dream about being attacked by aliens (from James Cameron’s Aliens), but honestly, as I write this, I can’t seem to recall the details. All I know is that I was running from them and then found myself in some neighborhood in California. I was with my ex-boyfriend, in his car watching the sunset on this mountain top nearby a high school my dad worked at, and I was vaguely aware of a practicing marching band as well. It was a peaceful moment, but as I lay in his arms listening to him talk, I felt an impending doom approaching. I had to get out somehow. There was somewhere I needed to be. But I didn’t know where.

I rushed out of the car and went inside the high school which evolved into a large dentist’s office. I looked into the mirror and smiled. My teeth felt funny, so I pushed against the front with my tongue, and BAM! A massive chip came off my tooth! My eyes widened in horror and felt with my tongue again, and BAM! Both front teeth tore out, detaching from the permanent retainer I had in. I caught them both with my hands, looked away from the mirror in disgust, and stared in horror at the broken teeth laying in my palms.

I couldn’t believe it! I worked so hard on straightening these teeth, and then they just randomly fell out!

Nonetheless, I felt I was on a mission. I pocketed the teeth, ran outside, my ex was waiting for me in concern, wondering where I’d gone. He started to follow me as I ran towards the west (or east, but it was one of those). But I ran too fast for him and he disappeared from my dream.

I was alone now, but I knew I’d eventually run into my dad. I was looking for him. There was a particular dirt path, surrounded by desert, that I was journeying on. I somehow met up with my old best friend Amy Baker and my mom. We were all following the same path. I was told by some others that I should beware of the wolf people in the next town I’ll be passing.

As soon as I got there, the wolf people came out to hunt. Then it was a full out fight. I somehow ended up with a sword…my only weapon to defend myself. Pretty lame against werewolves, if you ask me.

These things freak me out.
These things freak me out.

So here we were, running around like crazy people trying to fight off the strange pirate looking wolf people. Amy and my mom disappeared from the scene. There was a little girl I found and was compelled to pick her up and make a run for it. But the lead wolfman wouldn’t let me go. I used my negotiating skills on him (which turned out to be flirting) and suddenly he wanted to do me. I thought to myself, having sex with a dogman isn’t what I would call fun. He started to mount me, but before he could do his thing, I kicked him off, grabbed the girl and got the hell out of there.

I continued down the path, the little girl disappearing as well, and I was alone again. All I knew was that I needed to meet up with my dad at the train station. After miles of walking and fearing of being found by the wolves, I finally found my dad. By now, we were in the middle of a desert in Arizona, waiting by the train tracks. We were somehow going to jump onto the train and hide in one of the box cars to continue the rest of the 600 miles. The 600 miles were very specific, but I have no idea why. And there was one more wolf lair we’d have to pass by. It was the most dangerous of them all. They were the real vicious wolves that if they found “food” (humans) nearby, they would attack and eat them. Much different from the wolves I had fought earlier.

This worried me because we had to cover our scent and be very quiet in order to not alert the wolves. And, for some reason the 600 miles to the mysterious destination was very depressing to me. I felt I’d already gone so far. But I had 600 more miles to go. Ugh!

The dream ended with the train passing by, and me nearly missing it. My dad disappeared from the scene as well. I didn’t even get to see what the mysterious destination was. Dreams are lame like that.