• SUBJECT: Re: birthday

Thank you!!! I’m 40 now and I can’t believe it. I still feel young except my body disagrees with me. My LEFT knee has been a pain the ass (sorry). I did another show during my birthday so we waited to celebrate a few months later. We went up to NorCal, to San Franscisco and Napa Valley. This is where I want to live the rest of my life. This is where home feels like home. Marin Valley and places like it. That’s where I belong. No more New York City, so I know you’ll be happy about that one. I’ll never let go of your piano. It is safe with me and will be refurbished with respect. I’ve taught myself a lot of new songs on it that I think you’d be surprisingly proud of me. I can even look UP instead glued to the keys. That’s a huge deal for me haha!

Bobby and I are doing really great! I very much wish Papa could have met him. I feel like he would’ve seen somewhat of himself in Bobby. They would have had many interesting talks. And you would’ve loved to have Bobby cook in the kitchen with you! He’s SOOOOO good with food!

I know that you said it was okay if I never married anyone, but that you thought I would simply be happier with someone who was good to me. Bobby is that. And I’m so thankful for him.

Speaking of, I know I always said that I’m never having kids! Like, absolutely no way! Well…

I did. 

I had a girl.

Her name is Lilliya (from the Star Wars books I wrote when I was in 7 the grade and made you read them). Lilliya Robbie Rowader Josker

Yes of course she will have 2 last names. You know how I am. I don’t follow the norm. And Robbie is the feminine for Robert, so……..I wish Papa could know.

Honestly, when you left us, I was so devastated I couldn’t do anything. I know you had asked me to speak for your funeral and I KNOW I promised I would. 

But I could not. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t speak. My brain just stopped.

I was filled with so much anger and sadness. I hated that you were so far away. I hated that you were so ready. I hated that no matter what, time wasn’t going to slow   down anymore.

I knew you wanted me to come out, that you asked me multiple times. But I couldn’t. I wanted to blame the show I was in. But I couldn’t. I was too afraid that if I went out there, you would be saying “it’s time.” And I knew it. We knew it. 

So I’m sorry I didn’t come out to see you one last time. It’s been killing me every day. I see you in my dreams, sometimes in Glendale, sometimes in Green Lake, maybe with Papa, and we’re cooking or baking. And there’s always something I’m doing that’s slightly annoying you, haha! 

But every time I see you, I swear you’re alive, and I say, “Mana! You’re here! You’re not dead!”

And you say with a wry smile, “Well thank you, I’m not dead yet.” But then for some reason I can’t reach you, or get close to you. I keep losing you. And you disappear into darkness.

I wake up knowing that you would be so proud of me, that you would be ecstatic that I changed my mind when it came to having a child. YOU were my inspiration for that. I wanted to bring you back to life. I thought, maybe this could work, if I willed it hard enough! And she looks like you. She has your pure blue eyes. She is naturally talented at drawing and painting, and other arts and crafts. Lilliya is beautiful and all exists because of you.

Trust me, I’m only having one. I’m definitely a singular type human. But I know deeply in my heart that you love Lilliya, that Papa would love Lilliya. And it saddens deeper that you’ve never met her. But I feel you both in her. I know it. I see it in the eyes, and in the inflections, the mannerisms. I WISH I had her before either of you left. At least then you could’ve laughed and said, “Glad you changed your mind, Christanna.”

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything at the funeral. I know you asked me at Papa’s funeral if I would write the same thing for you when it was your turn. But when it came your turn…I was so scared. I was scared that if I wrote or said anything that that would make it reality. And I didn’t want you gone. I don’t want you gone now. I’m at a standstill with my words. I’d rather pretend that I’m writing an email to you that will be read by you later tonight. And apart of me really believes you will read this somehow.

So I’m here now to smash away all the insecurities that you had. 

You were SMART! No one EVER thought otherwise!

You were TALENTED! Who could challenge that?!

You were LOVING! I know this for a FACT!

You were BEAUTIFUL! I would say GORGEOUS, with your deep blue eyes and chocolate brown hair, how could anyone deny this?!?!

You were my everything, Mana. You are my everything. And I will not let you go. You will be in Lilliya’s art. You will be in the PERKINS piano as we play. And you will be in our voices as we sing. I miss you in ways that guts me. I miss you every single day. I miss you.

Thank you for being so open, so truthful, so real, so YOU. My respect for you soars to the stars. And when I asked again, “Mana, do you still believe in God?” You said, “Well, I want to. I want to because I WANT to see my loved ones again. Your Papa, my children, grandchildren, you. So I hope so.”

That was the best answer I’d ever had. And I hope too, Mana, I hope it’s real just so I can see you and Papa and the rest of those I love once more.

I love you to infinite and beyond, Mana. Times ditto xoxo

Love forever, Christanna

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• From: DL Perkins
• Sent: Friday, May 1, 2015 7:29 AM
• To: Christanna Rowader
• Subject: birthday

Hi  Christanna,   HAPPY BIRTHDAY on your 30th.  (My favorite age)     Have a great time.   Wish I could make you a cake.    Love and a great big hug and kiss.   Mana