Tag: family

Email to Mana

Christanna RowaderLeave a comment
  • SUBJECT: Re: birthday

Thank you!!! I’m 40 now and I can’t believe it. I still feel young except my body disagrees with me. My LEFT knee has been a pain the ass (sorry). I did another show during my birthday so we waited to celebrate a few months later. We went up to NorCal, to San Franscisco and Napa Valley. This is where I want to live the rest of my life. This is where home feels like home. Marin Valley and places like it. That’s where I belong. No more New York City, so I know you’ll be happy about that one. I’ll never let go of your piano. It is safe with me and will be refurbished with respect. I’ve taught myself a lot of new songs on it that I think you’d be surprisingly proud of me. I can even look UP instead glued to the keys. That’s a huge deal for me haha!

Bobby and I are doing really great! I very much wish Papa could have met him. I feel like he would’ve seen somewhat of himself in Bobby. They would have had many interesting talks. And you would’ve loved to have Bobby cook in the kitchen with you! He’s SOOOOO good with food!

I know that you said it was okay if I never married anyone, but that you thought I would simply be happier with someone who was good to me. Bobby is that. And I’m so thankful for him.

Speaking of, I know I always said that I’m never having kids! Like, absolutely no way! Well…

I did. 

I had a girl.

Her name is Lilliya (from the Star Wars books I wrote when I was in 7 the grade and made you read them). Lilliya Robbie Rowader Josker

Yes of course she will have 2 last names. You know how I am. I don’t follow the norm. And Robbie is the feminine for Robert, so……..I wish Papa could know.

Honestly, when you left us, I was so devastated I couldn’t do anything. I know you had asked me to speak for your funeral and I KNOW I promised I would. 

But I could not. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t speak. My brain just stopped.

I was filled with so much anger and sadness. I hated that you were so far away. I hated that you were so ready. I hated that no matter what, time wasn’t going to slow   down anymore.

I knew you wanted me to come out, that you asked me multiple times. But I couldn’t. I wanted to blame the show I was in. But I couldn’t. I was too afraid that if I went out there, you would be saying “it’s time.” And I knew it. We knew it. 

So I’m sorry I didn’t come out to see you one last time. It’s been killing me every day. I see you in my dreams, sometimes in Glendale, sometimes in Green Lake, maybe with Papa, and we’re cooking or baking. And there’s always something I’m doing that’s slightly annoying you, haha! 

But every time I see you, I swear you’re alive, and I say, “Mana! You’re here! You’re not dead!”

And you say with a wry smile, “Well thank you, I’m not dead yet.” But then for some reason I can’t reach you, or get close to you. I keep losing you. And you disappear into darkness.

I wake up knowing that you would be so proud of me, that you would be ecstatic that I changed my mind when it came to having a child. YOU were my inspiration for that. I wanted to bring you back to life. I thought, maybe this could work, if I willed it hard enough! And she looks like you. She has your pure blue eyes. She is naturally talented at drawing and painting, and other arts and crafts. Lilliya is beautiful and all exists because of you.

Trust me, I’m only having one. I’m definitely a singular type human. But I know deeply in my heart that you love Lilliya, that Papa would love Lilliya. And it saddens deeper that you’ve never met her. But I feel you both in her. I know it. I see it in the eyes, and in the inflections, the mannerisms. I WISH I had her before either of you left. At least then you could’ve laughed and said, “Glad you changed your mind, Christanna.”

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything at the funeral. I know you asked me at Papa’s funeral if I would write the same thing for you when it was your turn. But when it came your turn…I was so scared. I was scared that if I wrote or said anything that that would make it reality. And I didn’t want you gone. I don’t want you gone now. I’m at a standstill with my words. I’d rather pretend that I’m writing an email to you that will be read by you later tonight. And apart of me really believes you will read this somehow.

So I’m here now to smash away all the insecurities that you had. 

You were SMART! No one EVER thought otherwise!

You were TALENTED! Who could challenge that?!

You were LOVING! I know this for a FACT!

You were BEAUTIFUL! I would say GORGEOUS, with your deep blue eyes and chocolate brown hair, how could anyone deny this?!?!

You were my everything, Mana. You are my everything. And I will not let you go. You will be in Lilliya’s art. You will be in the PERKINS piano as we play. And you will be in our voices as we sing. I miss you in ways that guts me. I miss you every single day. I miss you.

Thank you for being so open, so truthful, so real, so YOU. My respect for you soars to the stars. And when I asked again, “Mana, do you still believe in God?” You said, “Well, I want to. I want to because I WANT to see my loved ones again. Your Papa, my children, grandchildren, you. So I hope so.”

That was the best answer I’d ever had. And I hope too, Mana, I hope it’s real just so I can see you and Papa and the rest of those I love once more.

I love you to infinite and beyond, Mana. Times ditto xoxo

Love forever, Christanna

  • From: DL Perkins
  • Sent: Friday, May 1, 2015 7:29 AM
  • To: Christanna Rowader
  • Subject: birthday

Hi  Christanna,   HAPPY BIRTHDAY on your 30th.  (My favorite age)     Have a great time.   Wish I could make you a cake.    Love and a great big hug and kiss.   Mana

Blue Shirt

Christanna Rowader4 Comments

 

So many things can happen in one summer. If we could all remember every little detail we experience, maybe we would finally realize how exciting and interesting our lives really are. We all are living an adventure deserved to be written about. This is why I write. This is why I nag my grandmother, whom I call Mana, to write her story. This is why it saddens me that my grandfather, Papa, never wrote his before he passed away. And this is why I write about the people in my life, because they have an adventure deserved to be documented too.

This summer, I made friends. Good friends. The closely-knit kind I’d been wanting badly. Samantha, Pablo, Katie, Helena, Monique, and many more. They will always be apart of my life story.A drawing of me as Marian by Joseph Lusker

This summer, I got to play Marian Paroo in the The Music Man. Of course, I got a horrendous chest cold during the callback. Somehow survived it, but was out from work the following days. Still got the part. Weird how that works. Anyhow, she was one of my dream roles. I grew up with The Music Man. My family grew up with it too. The musical felt more apart of me than usual. It felt like being home. During the run, I met some wonderful people that I’ll never forget. And, of course, I am madly in love with my opposite, Kristopher Kyer, who played Harold Hill. One of my favorite people ever, truly.

This summer, I got to be apart of The Movie Guys, a comedy group that previews and reviews movies every month. I specialize in the sci-fi stuff, of course. Winking smile I love working with Paul Preston, Karen Volpe, Lee Kias, Adam Witt, and many others. I’ve The Movie Guysmet some very wonderfully funny and interesting people throughout the months.

This summer, I got to sing with the Prescott Pops Symphony orchestra once again, conducted by my father. A year ago, he wanted to book me to sing as one of his soloist, and I kept telling him I couldn’t commit because I didn’t know if I’d have a better gig by then. As the months passed, things worsened for my father at the Prescott college. He was disrespectfully, and without warning, fired through an emailDad conducting by the newest head of the music department at the college, reason being simply a difficulty in communication. And then other soloists were dropping out at the last second for the concert my father was putting on in July. I decided to commit to the concert, not only because I couldn’t abandon my dad, but because I wanted him to know he still had the respect and the support of other singers.

This summer, I developed an unexpected but fully embraced sense of love and support from my aunt and uncle who live in California. There was always love within my family members, but now I feel a sudden closeness to them that I only rarely feel for a handful of people. This feeling is hard for Familyme to describe, but to put it simply, it is the feeling one might feel for their own child…they would kill for them, or die. I’ve felt this way about my parents and my Mana and Papa. There are just a few others I’ve had this feeling for, but now my aunt and uncle have joined this circle in my heart. Sometimes I laugh and brush this emotion off as a fault of my “artistic” side. But it’s there, nonetheless. Now my uncle is leaving for Afghanistan…I can only hope it’ll be boring.

This summer, I also met someone. The man with the blonde hair and the blue eyes. I caught a glimpse of him in the audience during my show. The blue shirt is what drew my attention. And I thought, “he’s cute.” Then I saw him again at dinner with a friend. Coincidence? I don’t know. But I thought it was cool. Because I remember details like that. Just like in a movie. And then he asked me out.

But that’s all I’m gonna say. This story deserves a separate blog.

There’s a little story in all of this, but I think the most important thing to understand is that this was a happy time. I want to remember it well. That’s why I’m writing it now. Because I know when there’s an up, there’s always another down. And the dark side of my brain likes to take over during those downs.

So I hope for the happy times like now to last a long time, and I write to keep it real.

There’s an adventure in all of us, so don’t take it for granted, and remember all the details down to the last blue shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep...

Whimming high up in the sky…

Christanna Rowader3 Comments

…With Funny Man, Mr. Georgia, and Funny Man Jr. (names have been removed for privacy reasons). And when I say high, I don’t mean stoned, although that would be another interesting whim. It was a great time, just three older guys and a kid-girl getting to know each other for about an hour as we flew from Van Nuys, CA to Mesa, AZ on a Hawker 800 for Funny Man’s comedy tour.

But getting to that Hawker is a whole nuther story in of itself.

My dear friend Anne was supposed to pick me up 45 minutes before I needed to arrive at Clay Lacy Airport. The time to get from Simi Valley to Clay Lacy is about 35-40 minutes. But she needed a buddy to ride with us so they could get back to Thousand Oaks in time for work by way of the carpool lane. So our friend Joe calls me. He decides he’ll be driving because both of their cars are out of gas and Joe drives fast enough to get me to the airport on time. As he’s explaining his plan, he’s also sitting at Cisco’s having a few drinks with our other friend Reid. I roll my eyes thinking Anne will still be driver.

So 4:17 rolls by, just a few minutes behind when I need to be leaving, and my friends pull up with Joe as driver. I immediately have a bad feeling. This is going to suck somehow.

I jump in and Joe takes off. In the wrong direction.

“Where the hell are you going?” I say, as he begins to drive deeper into the mazelike neighborhood, instead of having turned around back to the main street which he should have done in the first place!

“What? You never gone this way?” Joe says in his usual cocky tone.

Anne laughs.

It takes 10 minutes for Joe to blindly and arrogantly navigate through the neighborhood to finally pull out back onto the main street. As we drive towards the freeway, we pass my road. Obviously, THAT was no shortcut.

Anne laughs again. At this point, I want to pull out my hair, which I spent time making pretty, and was now being blown around by wind and smoke because Joe decided to start smoking in the car.

“So where’s the gas station?” Joe asks. At this point he’s finally listening to me, which he should have been doing 10 minutes prior! I tell him and we get gas as he’s smoking and admitting it’s illegal. Of course! Joe is Mr. Invincible and can get away with everything as long as he buys the other whoever a drink.

We hit the freeway at 100 mph. In traffic. Not too heavy, but enough that driving 100mph made me think we were either gonna DIE or get pulled over, which BOTH would have made me very late! Needless to say, from what should have taken 40 minutes took only 20 as we pulled up to Clay Lacy. As I frantically tried to straighten myself up and pretend like I didn’t just go through hell, Mr. Georgia came out and greeted me. All was better. He took my bag and ushered me inside the private reception area as Joe took off with Anne.

I told Mr. Georgia the entire story. He just laughed. We walked toward the Hawker 800 right as Funny Man and Jr. pulled up to board. To sum up the flight, I talked with the pilots, asked if I could fly (no, alright next time), got to know Mr. Georgia and Jr., and Funny Man Christanna2 piped in once in a while either teasing me about living in Simi Valley or why in the world did I move to California if I did mainly theater stuff. Mr. Georgia would back me up. 🙂

All in all, it was a lifetime experience. Thankfully Mr. Georgia had a camera because I forgot to bring mine. It was nice of him to offer taking pictures. It was also great to see my parents and grandparents whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. It’s not everyday you can just call up your mom and say, “hey, what are you doing? I can hang out today in an hour if you want” when you live in another state.

One of these days, private jets will be the only way I fly. 😉

PS-Come to find out later that Joe rear-ended someone after dropping me off. But he was only going 30 mph. Lol.